how to...

You know there are lots of books about "how to": how to quit smoking, how to write a wonderful book, how to have a great body shape, how to fuck your brains out.... I think I'll be needing a book about how-to-live-my-life-alone-for-one-year. I guess it's the first time it happens for such a long time. I'm glad for him, I'm just happy he gets to study there, but I can't stop wondering "what about me?". I cannot figure my life right now. My only hope, as I see it, is to jump into a whirlpool of issues such as my house, my job, my pets, my..self. We'll see...

....

It's pretty difficult for me now to describe last week. I had such busy, emotional, physically challenging days that I can hardly put them into words. The strongest emotion is certainly my going back HOME. yes....you heard me....HOME. The appartment we used to live in was in front of the railway station. When I arrived and saw MY window, MY balcony....I couldn't help crying. I didn't care people were staring, I went to my aunt's in tears, wondering why am I here and not going home.
For the rest...I was surprised to notice how much I liked the town, how deep inside my mind are imprinted its alleys, its streets, the schools, my parents' work places... And especially how I felt that this was my home. I own a little house at the country side where I grew up, I might buy myself a little home in Bucharest, but I guess nothing will compare to that feeling of HOME I experienced on Friday.
My highschool colleagues are almost the same:). I loved seeing them, I loooooved going back to school.

I loved being back home. Except that I can't tell when I'll be going there again.

nothing...

yesterday, while ironing my skirt, it struck me: my parents hardly loved one another. I can't remember seeing them kiss or hug or anything that would betray love. My dad would make fun of my mom and she would answer back to him and that was that. And now I think this might have affected me one bit... coz when it comes to family, I picture it based on a "life-contract" more than based on love. Although I couldn't imagine not loving my husband (if I had one).

And I really can't wait next week when I finally go home. I fear going to Deva because I haven't been there since April 2003. I cannot remember the house with no furniture, with boxes all over. To me this house is still there. I'm afraid I might be tempted to go.... home. But that "home" no longer exists.

I'll see my highschool mates though. We have our ten-years-since-finishing-highschool party. And in September I''d have been here for ten years already... dunno if it's good or bad.

It's hot. It's only like the mid of May and we're all suffering from heat, as if it were July. But I'm glad, better than freeze anyway.
As last year I didn't have any vacation, this year I was planning a good rest by the sea. But it seems my plans won't work. First I have to see if I can finally buy myself a home and then, only after seeing this one come true, I might consider rest. However, this buying-a-home plan is energizing :).

I've been away for a few days and, because of the sad reason of my travel, I didn't watch tv at all. When I woke up this morning to go to work I had the strange feeling that I forgot everything about my work. Of course, once I entered the office and turned on my PC, it all came back to me. It was like I was waking up from a short amnesia and start recognizing things.
Despite the sadness and the tragedy around me, I discovered a nice little town, very charming and very close to me. I liked it.

I'll try to make it simple and clear: I really thought this blog died. But on Friday evening someone said I could revive it somehow. He said I could write in Romanian, so I didn't. He said I could write about work...which I won't, not right now. Because when I started this blog, the concept was "public diary" or smth. Right now, blogs aren't just that. I mean...nobody just writes about feelings. To have a good blog, one must be interactive. To be interactive, one must create/talk about subjects that interest people. My personal experiences (and also MY routine, MY boredom) were not interactive. I was asserting them and that's all.
Well...I can't say I'll change something. And I must confess, although probably somebody would react to this, that I stopped writing not only because I didn't feel like it, but because I was afraid of others' reactions. I didn't want to write about breaking up, finding someone new, other experiences..because I know someone would read and suffer. And I hate it when people suffer because of me. And I seem to make them suffer on a regular basis.
BUT...nevertheless I just said to myself "Fuck all that" and just write....stupid or not, don't read me if u don't like it...
AND I really believe that by breaking up with me, guys change, evolve and even acquire features they never had when in relationship with me.
SO... my own, personal cenzorship..I'll try to let it go a bit.

Today I am such a crybaby

Emotional week. The peak was Saint Nicholas night when I had a dream. I was hugging my dad, he was so thin I could feel only his bones through the jeans jacket he was wearing. He told me "I'm sorry I cannot be with you now, at the begining of your road". I started to cry and so I woke up. All day I felt like crying. My brother got engaged on that day. I was thinking of how proud my dad woul have been of his son. In the evening I took my mother to a tribute-to-Abba concert. It was very funny for me, but mom was happy. Again felt like crying imagining myself at her age :(.
And today... because I think I'll spend the day all alone, I suddenly had the 2001 feeling. A song caused this sensation, but it didn't stop, it was like I "engaged" myself back into the past... had a pure feeling of a similar moment of 5 years ago. (I still cannot feel 2001 as being so far away in time...5 years mean a lot...but to me they feel like 2 at most). And so I got sad, it's a profound feeling of falling into my self, moments like this allow me a clear perspective of my own life...make me aware of feelings and moods and sensations I thought I had already forgotten. I can't explain it...it's like I'm taking a journey into me, into my mind and into my past..and live moments all over again. And when I wake up and realize I'll soon be 28 and we're not in 2001 anymore...that's when I get sad. I feel like I lost important moments of my life because I was blinded and irrational, I feel like I could have done things better or different, I regret I never said words I should have said.
Finally, I hope next week will be just different. I felt like writting, hoping I could take the weight off my chest, that's all.

Hell, it's been a long time I've been here. I guess my taste for writting a blog or more like the lack of it relates to my job. I am "surrounded" by dozens of blogs (mostly work, that's true) and they kinda...turn me off.
And there's this other thing: it's like I've created a huge complex in my mind that everything I would consider writing about is boring and maybe not worth mentioning (which I think is true, since there are very few people interested in how I feel/think and they don't have to read the blog in order to find out latest news about me). So...why keep blogging? I mean... this isn't working anymore. Writing isn't good anymore... it's not taking out the devils inside my head, my psychic burdens are almost inexistent right now or so I make them be.... Therefore I might consider ending this blog...or maybe closing it for a certain period of time...until I feel the need to do it again. Or maybe I'm really dried out and waiting for something to shake me up, to turn my world upside down and to make me .. live inside my head again.

Much better these days. No particular reason, I guess I'm about to find an inner rythm and stick to it. Biggest problem now is the house, I might have to wait until December or something to really be able to purchase something I could call "home". This place I'm living in right now does not comply at all with my definition of "home". In the meanwhile, I dream about that, I buy magazines and fancy around those imagines, like in a day-dream. Perhaps this could be soon a reality. Time is still a problem, but I discovered that it's all about time-management really. I just have to be "in the mood":). And mood is so unpredictable and beyond control that I cannot help being under the weather sometimes.
Weeks go by too fast, it's the end of October and I am not quite aware of it. I have, from time to time, a strike of reality, but it easily dissovles into my daily routine. And that is web web web.. No wonder I let my blog die. I understood however that this was in me all the time, this web thing, starting with spending lots of time on various astrology sites or women online magazines.. to wanting to learn web desing for the chemistry magazine I was working for. Of course, this does not make me an expert, I never pretended I was one, but it gave me a fresh look into this business.
But enough about work.. time to relax and to read some blogs. :)

void

That's what I feel lately. Long talks with my boyfriend about our relationship. Void again. Corporate void this time. I think, just as I told him tonight, that my problems are not menial, are so serious that I don't even want to utter them, for this would mean they exist. It's enough that my own self warns me that I kinda dissolved my spirit, that my effervescence is now only empty bubbles, I don't want to make it official, to admit it. Coz I wouldn't know what to do next. Get a life would be the answer, yes, I know. But I still believe that there could be a balance between life at work and life outside work. Admitting the problem would only draw me back even more, making me unable to act, to react, to do what I am probably supposed to do: LIVE. Searching for that balance is even more troubling. I need to have people around me who, not on purpose, could take me out this vicious circle I've entered.
I need a home, this is what I am struggling for. I need friends to make me think of other things than work or problems. I cannot do it by myself. And this I knew from the very beggining, from the first day at work, and I promised to myself I won't become what I am about to become: work freak. I guess I have to be forced to have fun sometimes. Sad story and a sad perspective, I know. Any suggestions?

blogs

It's very cold outside these days, but I kinda felt relieved that summer passed away, I didn't use it the way normal people do, I didn't go anywhere, I didn't have a proper vacation, I indeed feel frustrated about it, but hey, this isn't such a big deal after all, you know...
I've been reading some stuff about blogs, more about on the blog-phenomenon that's conquering Romania nowadays, and I must say my blog is not at all interactive or anything...I started well I guess, but I kinda lost interest on the way and it became just a webpage. It would have had more importance had I granted it some, but I rarely feel interested in much lately as I mentioned before..so I guess it lost the "human" touch. It became dull and grey, just like today and just like me these days. Still I find it interesting how blogs have a life of their own. I know somebody who has a common blog with some friends, it's more like a forum or a chat room, and they seem write about stuff, about things they are affected by, about facts, their oppinions..it's interactive all right and represents their common world. My world is about me alone, with my thoughts and my lack of interest, friends, vacation, carrier stability, anything. I started reading again though, which is good, I have to add this guy, Tom Sharpe, on my writers list. Although to some he's an old chap, to me he is brand new and I like that:).
uff, and that's about it for today. I have this obsessive thought about never having a driving licence in my life and I somehow must deal with it, but haven't found the solution yet. And it's getting really cold around here..brr

existing

After a week or so at the new job, I'm just beeing....cautious. Maybe I became over-prudent, I lack trust in people and I prefer just watching them for a while. Just to be sure (as if anyone can ever be 100% sure!) they're people I can rely on. Except for that, everything is ok, I guess. The new house is just big and cold, could never call this place "home" and I keep wondering when will I have a place of my own. I've been longing for it for so long that now I became a little skeptical about it. I used to picture it into my mind as I tried to fall asleep, I made various scenarios of what my house would look like. Now it's gone.. this was an over-used dream.
As a matter of fact I discovered I don't need anything anymore. I used to like things, I used to want stuff, like clothes or books, but now it's all gone. I don't even care what I eat as long as I am not hungry. How do I go back to beeing me? I feel like I lost interest in everything, and I generally am impartial, neutral, polite but cold, sometimes pretending I care, sometimes faking interest. Is that the new way of living? Is that the life style of my generation? I cannot say anymore. I am not sure I care.
Nevertheless I must admit I am not that tired anymore. Maybe because I start working at 10 a.m. which is much better, since I am closer to work than I was, I save a half an hour of sleep in the morning.
I still believe though that when I'll wake up from this thing I entered into, I will be able to find myself again...and I hope I won't be disappointed. And in the end, the system just dragged me in like in a vacuum. Five years ago I would have fought it. Now I just don't care...

always on the move

I'm moving again. I have a new job, next Monday will be the first day there, anothere TV station, a commercial one this time. I'm also moving to another house, an appartment this time, still no rent, lucky me. Things are shakin' up over here, and they're changing my world again. It's odd, but I am not enthousiastic, or afraid, or anything, maybe just a little bit worried. To tell ya the truth, I am sick of all that changing, I've had it, I need some peace and quiet, that's all. Hell, maybe I'm just too tired and just miss my summer hollidays an the sea. I haven't seen the sea yet, not this year. I wonder if I will...

my father's eyes

I think I don't have a recent picture of me and my father, alone. The last one is from 10 years ago, I was on my way to university, he was...ok. I sometimes wonder what affected me the most: his existence, or his non-existence? I used to have this conflictual relationship with him, we hardly talked and our tastes didn't match one bit. But somewhere deep inside I felt like I knew him, I think I inherited from him the same taste for life and the same tendency to imprudence, maybe the same naivity. When he was gone... my whole world collapsed. He was not, not anymore, the man I had to obey, he was.... my father.
I sometimes remember the life before, the life with him. I guess he was a guarantee for what my world was. For Home. Three years later, I still cry when I remember him. He would have been 61 today. And I guess missing him wouldn't go away. Never.

some things are meant not to be mentioned

I can't write about this...about the concert. The next day I felt like hit by a train. I couldn't realize I was there. And I suprised myself shouting my lungs out when they came on stage. I think I am still marked by this ... event or whatever it was. But I can't write about it. I can't describe it. I remember the feeling and now, when I listen to some of their songs on the radio, it all comes back to me. I would rather keep these feelings for myself, because writing about them, confessing them, exposing them to the public would only make them not... mine anymore. Nor mysterious or private. Some things are much better when they are just felt, not asserted.

I think I've changed a lot. Next week I'll be on vacation. Maybe the only vacation I'll ever have this year. I ... don't have that feeling. I am stressed, I am nervous, I am dizzy, I cannot focus. I came to hate the place I work. Not the work in itself, not the people, or not all of them.... just the place. I hope I will get outta there soon. Because that place is a brainwashing factory, that I'm sure.

And now, after a beer in the city with my friend, I got nostalgic, emotional, I remember myself few years ago, or even when I started this blog and it seems it's not the same person anymore. I got more acid, disappointed, bored, I lack patience and concentration, I got a little mean...but I hope somwhere deep down I'll still find, when in need, that piece of me which will never change, no matter what. oh, and yes, bitter, I almost forgot this, I sometimes get bitter. But only when alone or tired. Not now.

Strange love

Strangelove
Strange highs and strange lows
Strangelove
That's how my love goes

I can't miss writing about this:). I am not, not anymore, a teenager, enthousiatic and totally devoted to some gods on a poster. Nevertheless, the Depeche Mode concert of tomorrow brings out from within me some leftovers from my teenage years. Maybe because I never had the chance to go to a biiiiig concert like that 10 years ago, or maybe because such events always bring a hint of euphoria, I don't exactly know what it is, but I am totally and completely focused on tomorrow. I imagine scenes, I picture gestures and I create expectations.. It is very likely I will be a bit disappointed, perhaps I will be disturbed by the crowd pulling me, people trying to get a better view, worries of keeping myself safe and sound..but still, the thought of me being able to see this band I like on stage....well, that's something. In fact, this week Gotan Project had a concert here as well, I missed that one, I can't afford going to both concerts, but hey, it's been quite a week from this point of view.
I picked up this quote because I just feel like it tonight.

My muses

I sometimes find people who inspire me. I sometimes become inspiration to others, but these rare cases I do not consider, for I, my friends, aim to only evolve as a spirit. People who inspire me help me evolve. I do not know if this is a general truth about myself, but so far, this is what happened. People who helped me, in any way, get in the mood where I could just take a glance of the bigger picture, where I could see myself from above somehow, objectively, those were the ones who contributed to my evolution. And I do not mean material progress, but a mental and spiritual one. I truly feel that I am what I am just because I had the fortune of meeting such people. And I thank them for doing that, although they may not have a clue they've done it in such an important way to me.
Right now I think I like myself the way I am.... I guess there will be a limit to that too, but for now, for this moment, thanks to all of those who turned me into ME, I fucking love my life!

I'm feelin that I loose myself

I wanted to write several times but either I quit because of lack of ideas, or my computer went so slowly that I didn't have the patience to wait for the page to load. And sometimes I feel like I have so many things I would like to write about, but they just vanish the minute I begin the post. And I end up with a completely common piece of writing that I grow to hate every time I try to add something to it, so I just...quit. I figure I must have the time and the mood to write and to feel like writing again. And this is no time for that.
My job takes almost all my time. What I have left I try to share between my boyfriend, my mother, my driving lessons and some other things I complicate my life with. But this Friday was special, because I had nothing planned, I could sleep late (Friday is my day off) and drink my coffee in peace and even go to the market place, which was weird, coz only me and some old ladies were around and I felt like I was in a holiday or something!
And now I've come to appreciate my one month vacation/summer and my 8 to 4 working hours. I don't miss the work though. Nor the people. I like these ones better. And the work as well. I just hate what's goin on there, I mean people trying to stop something that's going fantastically well, people trying to take somebody's else place...ugly stuff like that. I know you people gonna say "wake up girl, that's the real world!", but I don't believe these things just happen like that everywhere. I hate this lack of stability or purpose or motivation and I need something to stabilize all that.
I really feel that I don't remember who I am anymore or what I want with my life, I just work and sleep and get tired and tired and tired. And I suppose now I'm just complaining and, yes, I know, there are people with worse problems than mine, but..well, this is my blog.

mad

Now I am really mad. I've grown to hate technology in every way. I hate computers because, if I work too long, my eyes hurt, I hate the Internet because you develop a virtual world where there is no touch with the reality, because it sucks you in a hole and loose every trace of your persona...I hate it because people have developed so many little programs that spy, copy, send by e-mail, take screen-shots of whatever you're doing on your computer....and why? Just because people wanna know, people are insecure, people need to believe that the other is not harming them.. I have to say there is nothing wrong in beeing hurt once in a while, otherwise we wouldn't appreciate the value of happiness. But, hey, not everybody is like me. Anyway, I really hate it and I probably would like to separate myself as much as possible of this kind of world. We are not here in "1984". We are supposedly free.

a girl still in her twenties

Today I saw a girl that reminded me very much of myself at her age.. that is some 4 years ago, and I suddenly felt old. I really have no idea what is best: to do everything to keep youself "young" (I mean clothes, music you like, lifestyle, etc.) no matter the age, or just try to assume your age and act accordingly? Because both variants have flows. If I keep myself like in my twenties, even if I am 40, I would look ridiculous. If I assume my age, I'd have to be a little bit oldish I guess. So what's the middle way?
Beside that, I realised I have to emphasize more on me and this doesn't mean I should become selfish, I just have to...you know, take care of me. I haven't been doing anything for myself lately, except work, I really need to invent things that remind me of me. And now we go back to the real question: what am I like? I know things about myself, but I generally adapt so easily to the circumstances and to the environment that I forget about me. Or maybe I identify to the new "group" so much that my old values seem to perish little by little. It's 2 months since I read my last book, it's too long since I had time to get bored and to start thinking about crazy stuff and to get ideas, new ideas. I didn't have anything to blog about. My life goes around my work and very little now on my relationship. And things will get worse I think. Maybe I am a little pessimist today, but I really feel like I forgot to LIVE. Or maybe I always need somebody around to show me how to do that, to spice things up and never let the system get me. Coz now this is the way I've taken.