my father's eyes

I think I don't have a recent picture of me and my father, alone. The last one is from 10 years ago, I was on my way to university, he was...ok. I sometimes wonder what affected me the most: his existence, or his non-existence? I used to have this conflictual relationship with him, we hardly talked and our tastes didn't match one bit. But somewhere deep inside I felt like I knew him, I think I inherited from him the same taste for life and the same tendency to imprudence, maybe the same naivity. When he was gone... my whole world collapsed. He was not, not anymore, the man I had to obey, he was.... my father.
I sometimes remember the life before, the life with him. I guess he was a guarantee for what my world was. For Home. Three years later, I still cry when I remember him. He would have been 61 today. And I guess missing him wouldn't go away. Never.

some things are meant not to be mentioned

I can't write about this...about the concert. The next day I felt like hit by a train. I couldn't realize I was there. And I suprised myself shouting my lungs out when they came on stage. I think I am still marked by this ... event or whatever it was. But I can't write about it. I can't describe it. I remember the feeling and now, when I listen to some of their songs on the radio, it all comes back to me. I would rather keep these feelings for myself, because writing about them, confessing them, exposing them to the public would only make them not... mine anymore. Nor mysterious or private. Some things are much better when they are just felt, not asserted.

I think I've changed a lot. Next week I'll be on vacation. Maybe the only vacation I'll ever have this year. I ... don't have that feeling. I am stressed, I am nervous, I am dizzy, I cannot focus. I came to hate the place I work. Not the work in itself, not the people, or not all of them.... just the place. I hope I will get outta there soon. Because that place is a brainwashing factory, that I'm sure.

And now, after a beer in the city with my friend, I got nostalgic, emotional, I remember myself few years ago, or even when I started this blog and it seems it's not the same person anymore. I got more acid, disappointed, bored, I lack patience and concentration, I got a little mean...but I hope somwhere deep down I'll still find, when in need, that piece of me which will never change, no matter what. oh, and yes, bitter, I almost forgot this, I sometimes get bitter. But only when alone or tired. Not now.