Tuesday, May 31, 2005
headache day
This doesn't mean I should treat people, "innocent stand-byers", like hell, no sir...
This is why I decided I should leave my worries and troubles and minor inner conflicts to this blog, and chat more relaxed and free of any frustration or troubles whatsoever. Because it seems I am poisonning every conversation and it degenerates, invariably, in a stupid quarrel. And the thing is that I forget all about it as soon as I get out of the office and stop chatting. It's not the chat...it's my obsession with words and meanings that leads to this stupid situation and I hate it.
Somehow...I've gotta stop.
I also realized these days that one must have a trained eye for beauty in order to see it. Not every man appreciates La Gioconda, to uneducated or less educated or not-interested-in-art people, the smile of Mona Lisa is not mysterious and the whole painting in itself is not a genius' work, it's just a painting of an ungly woman of whom there are rumors it could have been a man. It's the same with people. One must know beauty in order to see it.
Friday, May 20, 2005
constant invasions of my privacy
Nothing new, just the story of my life. I’ve always suffered from people’s curiosity and from their sneaking into my privacy. So I guess it’s nothing new, just another depriving of something of my own. I admit that the problem was WHAT I wrote, not that I wrote. It generated bad feelings and pain…and lots of words, written and sa(i)d. I’m dizzy and my head spins right now, I can’t breathe easily… I realise that the past 2 years exhausted me in such a way that now I just can’t face problems as I should, I’m passive and weak, I need to run away from them instead of confrounting them. This passiveness comes also from too many shocks and another one was too much, it just hit me and caught me unprepared and I just could react at all.
It’s all so weird in the end. When I was 12 I had my frist diary. My grandma found it, read it and judged me for what I had been writing, asking me to burn it. So I did. After that I had a number of diaries that were read by my mother, my father, my brother, a friend, all without having my permission. Followed by intrusions into my intimacy by my boyfriends…the ones that mattered, in fact. And so, I come to judge my reaction: I was not angry that something was read without my permission, but that what I wrote caused trouble and pain…
And on top of everything, I feel I should go away, disappear for a while, because I’m harming everyone around me: my mother is unhappy because I’m difficult, stubborn and not close to her, my brother feels we don’t talk to much, my friends don’t know anything anymore about me, because I never talk or listen for that matter. And, of course, the worst is that I succesfully regressed in a relationship that was starting to evolve. This is what happens when I try to make everyone happy. I tried to please everybody in my life, not to make people sad or depressed, and I failed :((((. So..you can imagine my conclusions, my mood, my thoughts. Not happy. Not happy at all. What should I do about myself in this life? How am I supposed to be so that things like that shouldn’t happen anymore??
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Anyway, I suppose in a way they are harmless, I know there could be even more dangerous/mean/annoying people in other offices, so perhaps I should be grateful they are like that. Nevertheless, today I'm not into that peaceful mood when I think optimistically and don't mind stuff like that. Today I'm...selfish I think. Sometimes I feel the need to be selfish. To have everything my way and to get nervous if it isn't. Cause maybe I've been too much unselfish and I got bored...hell knows.
Eh, nevermind...Tomorrow will be a better day, I hope.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
the root of all evil
I saw this movie...."Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind"....pretty weird, I liked it, I got the picture....and I didn't have to see that movie to know that even if you try to erase the conscient memory of a person from your mind, you could never erase the emotional memory, the tactile memory even. And no matter my memories, good or bad, they are mine, they are part of me and in them resides that past-Miruna I sometimes hate or like....but it's Miruna...
Well I guess the world didn't need my comment on this movie :)), I nevertheless delivered it, because it's my blog, I write whatever I want in here. Like in a vault. Not throw away the key yet:).
P.S. - Thank you for the positive considerations on my blog. It's not much and I decided not to write for the writing, but for the self, or better yet it's a writing with a catharsis function. So please don't criticise too much the style, just read between the lines.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
felt like 1999
Actually, this had happened to me before, but not so strong, the feeling, the voyage to the past was not so real as this one...I had a moment when I really felt that 6 years didn't pass just like that.....
Other than that, everything is ok, Easter just ended, today is the first day at work after a mini-holiday that I needed so. I got kinda depressed coz I miss my Dad these days more than ever....I think I miss the old traditional Easter with all the family, we had few days together.. Now my mother went to meet her sisters in their parents' house, my brother visited "the in-laws" and so I was left behind, or at least this is how I felt when I heard the Easter plans.... But it wasn't so bad as I thought, of course, as always, there was someone there who helped me get past these days, to even enjoy myself....to have a good time. And this is why I began to feel even better, just the thought that there is someone who thinks of how to make me feel better is already lighting up my day:)).
And I love the weather today, it's warm and sunny and I'm calm, I'm even a bit dreamy...I like this:).