feel

Little by little I come to understand my life and its problems...the feeling of not belonging and of not being able to adjust (although people around me don't see it this way)... It's incredible how parents affect their children's lifes in such a subconscious and profound way that they don't even realize it. That's why I feel, unlike my woman-friends, that I wouldn't be ready for a kid right now.
But what I know is that I need to create new habits and new ways of approaching things for myself, impose them inside of me, because this means evolution...this is what I need for feeling better.
Weird thing...today i feel good, I feel confident and kind of happy, I feel stable and reasonable, it's been such a long time that I forgot how it is:)). And no, I'm not dissecting this feeling now, I'm just enjoying it.

frozen?

Yesterday I was trying to write something..... I was finally understating the idea of space in a couple, based, of course, on my previous experience. I remember how I turned, from an independent girl, to a control-controlled freak. And this happened only because I let C. invade my space and I invaded his. And I also remember that some time ago I regretted my hurry for intimacy, because I needed my space and I couldn't get it back... But right now this need for space was also a test...I thought that he could miss me, realize that I might mean something more than before. Well, "prognosis negative" to quote from Seinfeld.... That made me really sad. But I got to the conclusion that falling in love is not necessary for loving, that falling in love can be desastruous, but loving is not, that a relationship is not a struggle, a fight of who influences who or a process of adjusting to each other...by force and empowered by pheromons. Because sometimes it just happens to find somebody that doesn't require all those complicated actions. The routine calls for the torment, but it's vain. Hence, the frustration.
I just feel that I belong with him, that's all. And this, as far as I know, is pretty fucking rare. But I can't ask him to feel the same if he doesn't.
Can one fall in love after a while? Can one wake up one morning and discover that he/she is in love?
Relationships are like the lottery I think. Or like a box of chocolates. You never know what you gonna get.

too much Sex and the City

Apparently, this year started very good, in fact it was all that I wanted, something relaxed and not troubled.... It felt right, that's the word for it.... Step by step, the waters calm down and everything becomes clear.... The chaos that was my life last year transformed into something else. It feels like I've grown up, and now every day comes as a surprise, coz things happen to me and I don't really know how to react to some of them. Experiences from my adult life, things are shaping up now and maybe it's all thanks to this new relationship that is not like anything else I've experienced. Of course, now I'm being extreme on the other side: if years ago I used to treat my relationships emotionally, by impulses, without thinking of them at all, now I'm over-thinking them and it ruins the fun, the magic, everything else. Maybe it's a bad influence of this "Sex and the City" trend, very fashionable right now, to analyse in details the actions of the partner and your feelings as a response....but losing somehow the best of it. So, besides trying to find in me the resources to be a woman, exploring the possibilities of my inner self, I'm trying not to think too much... I never thought a 21st century woman could come to this conclusion, but here it is...