my mistake

It suddenly struck me….my mistake, last summer’s mistake led me now to this impossible situation. In fact it’s not that impossible, I’m not living on the street or anything, but I’m on the edge of survival or at least this is how I’m feelin’ it right now, maybe I’m overreacting, but I’m having a state of panic and anxiety that I rarely, if ever, experienced in my life. I shoudn’t have left my brother’s house…that’s all. That’s a house that felt like home, like my old house, like my parent’s house in Deva, there were familiar things there and I worked for that place as if it were my own. I shoudn’t have left, that’s all. I rushed into a relationship with no chances of survival, I didn’t listen to people saying that M. is no good for me and it will only get me hurt, I was too eager to get over the trauma and the pain inside and I tried to kill all this by doing something foolish…. Well, now I know all that but there is nothing I can do, it’s all in the past, I only have to go through this anxiety, right now, this moment. Maybe it’s only today, maybe tomorrow morning when I wake up, it’ll all be just a bad dream. But I see that I got down too soon, too easy. With no fight at all.

It’s important, I think, to see everything from different points of view. Trying to…not today, I think today I’m entitled to be depressed.

C's birthday on Sunday... As I was "redecorating" (that means I rearranged all my books and wooden boxes and finally moved my bed in the bedroom, as it is normal), I was thinking about the appropriate time to call, cause I was thinkink he might have been partying and clubbing, and I was right and my timming was still bad, coz I woke him up and I know he hates that, it's irritating to him......but well, the conversation was very short and conventional, like I was just an acquaintance asking if everything is allright with him, if he is ok, what did he do the night before, well, bye then, thanks for calling.... That was about it. This is what's left after five years.... I'm not reproching it, I'm just noticing the strange nature and the weird development of human relationships. It's all so relative and shallow if you think about it...Well, beside all these "worries", I'm doing fine, that's if you were wondering:))). Yesterday I got nervous at one point coz I got hungry and walking pointless to find a stupid post office to get a stupid little package from somebody just as stupid as all of the above, and as I got home, my boyfriend was waiting in the car with pizza...I was in a hurry and irritated and behaved accordingly and then.....after few hours as I got into bed, I was thinking that this was one of his kindest gestures to me and all I did was to treat him bad...ufff...sometimes I am not empathetic at all...brrr...

word therapy

Just wanted to signal the good mood, nothing else. I feel good these days, not moody or anything, just me, calm and relaxed. I don't feel excited or enthousiastic, but this is nothing but an "extra option" of the "deluxe version" of my life. I think that this will come in time anyway.
But there are other things I'm thinking about, I really need to be more active about myself. Somebody told me once that all I really need is to find myself another job and to write. Well, as far as the writing is concerned...I'm doing it from time to time, not really satisfied with it, but doing is improving. The job....or anything connected to my carrier, it's like I'm stuck here, and though I see I'm going deeper every day, I do nothing, I just sit and wait for the perfect job to just pump up and come knocking on my door.
I can't imagine what would make me move already, maybe a very nasty athmosphere for a longer period of time, I guess.
I realized that I had begun writing for fun, but now this became a "safety valve" to me, it helps releasing the pressure in my head, clarifying my thoughts, depressurising me entirely. Now that I think about it, it's always been like this, since the 6th grade when I began writing a diary :))). Writing as a therapy, words instead of pills...killing the "mental viruses" by saying/pronouncing/expressing them.

words

Words are important to me, no question about that. I can feel people through their words, sentences, phrases. I can read between the lines and sense every intention, feeling, mood, state of mind, everyhting. My intuition works like charmed when it comes to words. So this is why I think I'm a bit out of reality and fail to appreciate facts. It is out of my scheme to dissect facts rather than words. And in the end, facts are the ones that matter, right? Still, I can't deny the importance of words, no matter my angle, my point of view.... but there are people who express themselves through their actions and sometimes maybe these actions/gestures/facts are so symbolic and meaningful that it would be a pitty not to see behind them.
How about words? What are their status in this case? Well, still trying to consider where the equilibrium should be, coz there must be an equilibrium here too... I'm just figuring it out these days :).

trapped

Now, i knew it would happen like this...don't you ever say something good about my writing, or anything bad, coz this will make me not write at all... I do have this problem, like I have nothing to write about, nothing to share, me of all people, me, the extrovertite, the sociable, the friendly, the talk-a-lot-about-all-stupid-things-in-this-world, me me me... I guess it has to do with my lack of trust, professionally that is, my lack of confidence in my powers or in my value (which is relative, I hardly see any value in my writing....but there are people with different views on this issue). It also has to do with a boring job and with my not-so-ambitious nature. I envy my colleagues who used these three years that have passed since graduation to become something.....me....I'm nobody, I feel like i achieved nothing and this was not my plan, seven years ago, when I left my pinkish bedroom from my parents' house. Ah, I know I wrote about it, but this ... issue, it comes up over and over, until I find a solution for it...
Well, but hey, it's the first day of spring....apparently, I should hope for more, shouldn't I?