my mistake

It suddenly struck me….my mistake, last summer’s mistake led me now to this impossible situation. In fact it’s not that impossible, I’m not living on the street or anything, but I’m on the edge of survival or at least this is how I’m feelin’ it right now, maybe I’m overreacting, but I’m having a state of panic and anxiety that I rarely, if ever, experienced in my life. I shoudn’t have left my brother’s house…that’s all. That’s a house that felt like home, like my old house, like my parent’s house in Deva, there were familiar things there and I worked for that place as if it were my own. I shoudn’t have left, that’s all. I rushed into a relationship with no chances of survival, I didn’t listen to people saying that M. is no good for me and it will only get me hurt, I was too eager to get over the trauma and the pain inside and I tried to kill all this by doing something foolish…. Well, now I know all that but there is nothing I can do, it’s all in the past, I only have to go through this anxiety, right now, this moment. Maybe it’s only today, maybe tomorrow morning when I wake up, it’ll all be just a bad dream. But I see that I got down too soon, too easy. With no fight at all.

It’s important, I think, to see everything from different points of view. Trying to…not today, I think today I’m entitled to be depressed.