sleep

The purpose of my imediate life is sleep. I don't know if I'm tired, I'm more likely sick of everything and all seems to go away when I sleep or when I'm in bed and watch tv. Tomorrow we have a free day, it's the national holiday and it's great to have a free day in the middle of the week:)). This is why I feel so good today (except for getting my salary), I have a day of sleep and sweet laziness tomorrow....
something else makes me wonder... Yesterday C. came to my place to say good bye, he's leaving tomorrow morning. But I didn't cry... I think I don't realize it... Very sad though...

stability

That's the key word. That's what I need. That's what I've been missing for the last almost 2 years. And last night I finally decided I shoud stabilize for a little while at least. That's why I asked M. to move back in for good, I don't wanna see him move for a while somewhere else and to end-up eventually in the same place, that's my place. So he agreed and that's it. Coz I don't like being alone and my birthday is coming up soon. Coz even if I don't feel anything too intense now, and even if maybe I won't marry the guy, we both need each other right now. For different reasons, of course, but still, the interest is the same. Nevertheless, I can't help feeling guilty, like I betray C. and this is weird, he has someone else, he will leave soon (if he hasn't already), why should I feel guilty? Maybe it's because of his last text left on my computer, from Saturday night, he was happy, I was happy, why did we broke up? Sometimes I don't remember, some other times I feel it so present that i could break up with him again, just to make him feel the pain I felt.
Ohhh, and he suffered.... I know he did.
So... that's my decision. I might discover later that it was the worst move of my life. But now I see it like something temporary.

what the heeeeellllll?

well, cannot believe this, but it's true: C. is leaving to Barcelona after all, leaving me here, in the perfect chaos. His life is always a chaos, and this is why he is used to it, but me... that's a different story. And M. is coming back, oh God, i shouldn't feel this, this summer we were in love and now I can't stand the thought of him in the house... It's strange, but I can't actually tell him to move back in, even though I wanna help him, because I just can't. I thought of waiting for C. to leave and then.... I'll see.
This makes no sense. Yea, I know. so what?
And the one I love... he is in too much pain and unhappiness to be albe to talk about him right now. someday maybe..
And that's it for today.

the truth

I should tell now the truth about it all, although I really don't feel comfortable admitting that this way of life is actually my fault. Because it was me to let it happen, I was waaaay too indulgent with my ex boyfriend and everyone around me. So we broke up, of course i couldn't have done it without some extra help and so some other guy ... "happened". Well, and this guy was kinda married, kinda divorcing because of me, kinda going back to his wife for a while, not emotionally but physically (cause we made the mistake to move in together, and after that he was gone, leaving me all alone, I really wonder how I managed to pay the rent so far) and kinda wanting to come back now, when I threw him out of me.... On top of this, as I was wondering one Sunday afternoon "do I really love anyone, or I'm just dried out for a while?", I realized that I do love someone. And as you, readers, might expect, it's not my ex boyfriend (I see him Thursday to Sunday each week), nor my new one, it's someone else, who was there all the time, and now it's impossible for us to be together. I'm not saying I hit the jackpot with him, but now I don't even have the chance to see if it's true or not... And this leaves me a little bitter and sad. But hey, life's too short to be unhappy, isn't it?

As for the problem of the last post, well, actually I got discouraged to see how troubled I was (and I still am) during the past few months. I think I'm gonna be the happiest person on earth when this fucking year is done. But thanks for being there, you guys:)).... (that's no reference to male readers only :P )

weeellll

I made the mistake to read my previous posts, can't believe it, I am always complaining about something, and always mentioning my chaotic way of life (which, by the way, it's my fault:)), it's getting boring, huh?
I'll rethink the whole concept of this blog.... really. I hate being so fucking unstable and always complaining about it.

too close to Christmas

I like writting in different colours:)). Today I feel better, although, the perspective of another year passing by doesn't or shouldn't make me feel so good... One of my teachers once told me that nobody should be glad and party for their birthday, coz it's nothing to be glad for, getting older is not.... merry. Well, although my problems are getting more and more complicated (some are divorcing, others waiting for me to stabilize), I know that there are solutions for these problems and everything will be ok. Suddenly, I feel things will fall into their right places just like that. Uff, hope this mood will last longer than few hours:)).

oooh my God.....

i've been thinking a lot about different things that happened to me lately, it's not weird, it's just confusing and chaotic, this hurts me and the consequences of my actions will be seen a looooong time from now on. Unfortunately, I'm the most miserable of all, knid of think that it was my choice, why not be unhappy if it's possible...... And now i'm ok, but just sad. Not depressed, not crying, but sad. It'll go away, I'm sure.... Maybe once I will find someone...