spriiiing?

I feel spring coming today, dunno why, maybe it's just something in the air, maybe because it's warmer and raining instead of snowing as it was expected (though I heard some terrible news about snow coming....brrrr). I feel like I was asleep and now I opened my eyes and see real life...not a very nice view at times, but not as depressing as I thought . Step by step some things are getting into shape and now I confrount myself with another problem: several persons told me this blog is not as boring as I thought and that I write ok and now I became conscious of it and I am aware that now I should write something cool, something meaningful, something that people like, u know..SOMETHING....and so I'm afraid to write anything at all.
And I also noticed that I write well and that I have points of view especially when i'm mad or angry or in a bad mood, but not depressed. So, again, happy people are not interesting. See, nothing to complain about, nothing to dissect or to psychoanalyse, nothing to suffer from and friends to confort you.... But hell, I wouldn't want to be unhappy just to have subjects to write about!!!
Well, except that, i think a certain somebody deserves a big big HAPPY BIRTHDAY from me :)))). Today is a shinny day, the beginning of the weekend, it's that mood...you know...when you expect things and have that joyful disposition to make them happen....hopefully.

my life or something like it

Now I do have all the freedom in the world to finally do whatever I want....and I don't. I guess I'm stuck in the past, in my past habits and mental setups, I'm dealing with different people here and I can't ajust, I just judge them according to these setups. When i shoudn't judge anyone at all, when I should accept them for what they are... It's so difficult that I can't do it all alone. Coz I don't rationalize them all and in the end I'm the one crying, all because of me:((. I need patient understanding people around...but this kind of patience doesn't come out of the blue. Who's gonna be that patient as to understand me everytime I go crazy, everytime I'm sad or happy for no reason, everytime I am too sensitive about meaningless things that may mean a great deal to me? Who could be able to find me answers when I ask questions, who's gonna be able to love me for what i am not for what I might be?
I know, I know.....today i'm such a cry-baby, I hate myself for that really, but this is how I need to write it, to exorcize it out of me and to relax at last...
Yes, not in a perfect mood indeed, but I'm ok.
and yes, stable:).

age &stuff

I am 26. People expect me to act like 26. How is that? How am I to know how should I act? I am 26 now...I don't realize it and act accordingly and to tell you the truth I don't care. I got tired of fulfilling other people's expectations and forget about my own... It's true I define myself depending on others, but I DO have my own expectations of this life. I got a little bit sad remembering the day I got this job, my first day at work, how it all seemed bizzare and oldish and how I was swearing to myself that this would be only temporarely, untill I find something better. I got stuck here, I got used to them and to this atmosphere, but I didn't evolve, I kinda feel plain, like my brain only smoothened instead of getting more and more wrinkeled.
C. came back.... I was surprised to see him, I was curious to hear his stories, but nothing is like it used to be, I cannot pretend last year never happened, I don't want that. I just need my life to be as it is now, like it was last night ( I think it was one of those perfect evenings when nothing seems artificial, forced, blurry, everything was just...perfect), like it appears to become or evolve. I'm turning into something else, I know, I'm changing and I feel it, and yes, this is el fin de una epoca, so it makes no sense of hanging on to the past. So that was it.
But last night was perfect, as I said. And I say that for one reason in particular: this was one of those days when I was craving for tender touch and a bit of desire and passion and that was what I got, expectations fulfilled:)). I went to sleep happy and woke up smiling, that's what I call a good mood.
Happy people are not interesting at all, I have the feeling, while writing this post, that I only write facts, not feelings, like robots, it's like once you're well, the mind is too relaxed to make connections, to think, to be interested in stuff .... or maybe it's just too busy living every second of it since it's so rare and lasts so little.

Moody again.....of course it's the PMS, what else?!! And also, the small talk in the office, the problem of searching for a new job that'll fit me (but I actually don't know what fits me), my own complexes of stupidity, lack of ambition and self confidence.... And the worst is that whenever I mention this to people, they don't try to get me out of my gloomy mood, they would just leave alone to recover myself. I admit I am mean and not easy to deal with right now, but since people i talk to very often are supposed to be my friends and to care about me... they should think of how to get me out, not to just keep the distance, and wait for me to say "hey, I'm ok right now, I'm back, just as funny and caring for others as always"!!! I think I should be more selfish...although this is not me, selfish...cannot picture myself like that....
Enfin. On verra...it'll just pass away. Still...nevermind.