24th of December, Santa Claus, the phone guy and 2005

This is my last post of this year... I hope the next year will be much much better, cause this one has left me weakened and dried out, too much trouble and too many mistakes, too many people were hurt, and many lives have changed suddenly during this year... I really hate this kind of thinking, you know, conclusive and final. Maybe because my conclusions are not very satisfactory... Only these last days seem better, and I'd like to point out "seem", cause I wouldn't like to take the chance and say "is", it's too soon to be so sure that what's in my head is real :)). Anyway, it's promising, this, what's going on right now, not necessarely that I'm floating in a sea of joy, but I'm stable, that's what's important.... After all, I guess my inner equilibrium is regaining balance and I become me again... I wonder what I'll discover after that:)). But, as I said, these last few days were quite refreshing, so I have every reason to hope for better... Let's say...for an upgraded version of me.

I'm tired and very low mentally, I feel like this birthday of tomorrow is the worst day of this year, it was not enough that I've been through so many things meant only to destabilize me... now I have to face the fact that i'm also getting older and uglier, and lonelier.. I really hate myself right now. I hate myself for being so stupid sometimes, for not dealing with things when I was supposed to, for letting myself go, for being so dryed out right now... I mean it's not that I'm incapable to feel things, I do, but there's always something missing. God, i'm tired! I'm gonna sleep one of these days so deep that I won't get up until everything has gone away.....

f......g birthday week

at least I have no time get bored. Coz except for that I have everything. Got depressed today (I'm also very tired and I haven't slept for 2 days), I remembered my birthday is this week and I really hate it, cause I kinda feel old and you know... when I was ten I was sure that when I'll be 26 I'll be married with children... Well, it's not that I wanna get married, or I might but it takes two for that, but I feel like I must do something with myself, my life was not supposed to be like that, I should have been somebody who could make a difference. Hm I guess not, isn't it? And to make it even more difficult to endure, nobody is meeting me on my birthday, they are all home with their families... as I am supposed to be with mine, but I really can't stand those phonies more than 3 hours. So i'll be taking my brother and his girlfriend and go some place.... the very thought of it makes me feel like crying....
still, there is one thing, in fact one person that made these last few days easier. He knows many jokes, i love to laugh...Bingo! perfect match:)). But you know what's weird? we only met once, but we talk so much all day long that I feel I know him for ages.. and that's great.

invisible

I should do something about myself regarding my behaviour with guys..... I've been having this problem since highschool, gosh, such a long time... I'm too impatient to get what I like, I'm not mysterious nor play hard to get and this seems to mean something.. either that I am easy (which I am not!!!) or that I'm desperate (I'm not that either). So... this new guy... it started ok and I blew it because I grew attached over him, a stranger.. Well, i felt like we were friends, that's all. Of course, it's my problem, not his fault. But is there a cure for this? Except for turning invisible and hiding under the desk for being too embarassed for this situation.. Hmmm. I'll think about it.

don't you know that Rome wasn't built in a day

Let's say things haven't changed that much during the last few weeks. C. is still in Barcelona, M is still calling me every god-damn morning to ask me how I am... He came home few days ago to see me and I can feel that he is desperately hanging to this "relationship", he doesn't want to lose me, but he can't hold me since he left me.. He said he wanted to tell his parents about me. Oh come on!!! I thought, this summer I was unhappy he didn't do it, now I asked him not to. I don't wanna be official, I just want him to leave me alone, I want him to understand that we can be friends, but not lovers/a couple or something like that... I can't talk about all things that make my life, but I can write about things that are important, persons that I consider worthy of mentioning... and so is this guy.. Eh, you'll say that this is what my life was lacking: guys!!!! But it all started as a very pleasant Friday conversation and now... I kinda wanna see him, I feel some things about him... I mean I think I like him in a way (but I haven't met him yet, so it's kinda... I'll see after this weekend) and things are starting to be coloured and cheerful again. And I start wondering if that's what I need to be a little glad? Just a bit of attention from somebody I like? Maybe...

p.s. - OR MAYBE NOT... Perhaps all I need is someone to really care, difficult mission indeed, coz people who care about me, like M., don't get much out of me, and those I think I care about don't give me much.
p.p.s - I might get a haircut today, i'm sick of me like that. As a matter of fact, I'm sick of everything right now. Moods changed very quickly, I know...

I took a moment of thinking about a talk I had yesterday with him... and it seems to me that he accepted this whole situation and acts according to the given facts. I was sitting in my bed and trying to figure out if he really will end up being happy, he is happy right now, or he is not happy at all but cannot do anything about it. In fact, to be honest, I wanted to know his feelings for me. My friend told me it's no use of knowing this, this will hurt me even more... But it already does, so what's the difference? I need to know, good or bad, I hate uncertainty.
Nice things happen: people bzzz on YM, they are crazy, just like that, to buzz a person.

not happy

yes, it's true, it's no surprise anyway, considering the latest facts of my life.... and I don't think things will improve soon. But these are things that happen and I really can't make anything to change the situation. Maybe I'll decide eventually to write the novel I though of for some time now, not to make a difference in the literary world, but to tell everyone what's in me, to tell them the whole truth, beginning with my mother and finishing with you-know-who. In fact, on a second thought, I have nothing to tell him, nothing... He knows I love him (strangest thing is that this kind of love is so....free that i'm surprised of me, of my reactions, I could be able of many things that usually contradict the normal situation, if I knew it makes it easier for him), so I don't have anything else to confess or share with him. I mean I would have, but I can't....
Ahhhh, and this Christmas stuff, i really hate it, every christmas all i can think of is that I got older, one more year passed and I did nothing to make me feel that it didn't pass in vain. Hate this period....

serenity now.... insanity later

All day long I tried to convince myself to stay calm, not to panic, yes, tomorrow is a big and nasty day for him, yes, it doesn't concern me at all, this day, but still, because I care, because I cannot help thinking about it, I panic and it's no good for anyone, me included. So I kept repeating, over and over, "stay calm, it's ok, stay calm, don't panic", but now i just can't help it, I'm exploding, it's just not fair and I hate life for being so unfair sometimes!! i really don't know anything about his life from now on, what the future will bring. Maybe it's a lesson we should learn, maybe it's something we must go through, and maybe, just maybe, one day our time will come. and yes, love is like a nicer friendship (have I said that before? dunno).

vinegar and salt

Don't know if I should be happy or sad, really..... C. left yesterday, I was on the phone with him all day long (don't even think about the phone bill now), and after that calls started, some friends invinting me out, M. to ask me how I am, stuff like that, but most important of it all.... well, dunno how should I put this, but let's just say that I found out what I lost... The worst part of me losing someone who could have been important was not knowing it for sure. Well, yesterday I found out for sure, ufff, it was so good...... I was happy to discover that what I imagined is true, but not so happy knowing that it was for nothing, he's not mine.
So now, I really have no idea which is my mood. I'm happy and sad in the same time, the two are fighting inside of me, each with its arguments, nobody is winning this fight unfortunately. I'm really wondering what happens next, I get up in the morning and try to face all the surprises a day brings me. Some of them are not very pleasant. But at least now I know...