Today I am such a crybaby

Emotional week. The peak was Saint Nicholas night when I had a dream. I was hugging my dad, he was so thin I could feel only his bones through the jeans jacket he was wearing. He told me "I'm sorry I cannot be with you now, at the begining of your road". I started to cry and so I woke up. All day I felt like crying. My brother got engaged on that day. I was thinking of how proud my dad woul have been of his son. In the evening I took my mother to a tribute-to-Abba concert. It was very funny for me, but mom was happy. Again felt like crying imagining myself at her age :(.
And today... because I think I'll spend the day all alone, I suddenly had the 2001 feeling. A song caused this sensation, but it didn't stop, it was like I "engaged" myself back into the past... had a pure feeling of a similar moment of 5 years ago. (I still cannot feel 2001 as being so far away in time...5 years mean a lot...but to me they feel like 2 at most). And so I got sad, it's a profound feeling of falling into my self, moments like this allow me a clear perspective of my own life...make me aware of feelings and moods and sensations I thought I had already forgotten. I can't explain it...it's like I'm taking a journey into me, into my mind and into my past..and live moments all over again. And when I wake up and realize I'll soon be 28 and we're not in 2001 anymore...that's when I get sad. I feel like I lost important moments of my life because I was blinded and irrational, I feel like I could have done things better or different, I regret I never said words I should have said.
Finally, I hope next week will be just different. I felt like writting, hoping I could take the weight off my chest, that's all.

Hell, it's been a long time I've been here. I guess my taste for writting a blog or more like the lack of it relates to my job. I am "surrounded" by dozens of blogs (mostly work, that's true) and they kinda...turn me off.
And there's this other thing: it's like I've created a huge complex in my mind that everything I would consider writing about is boring and maybe not worth mentioning (which I think is true, since there are very few people interested in how I feel/think and they don't have to read the blog in order to find out latest news about me). So...why keep blogging? I mean... this isn't working anymore. Writing isn't good anymore... it's not taking out the devils inside my head, my psychic burdens are almost inexistent right now or so I make them be.... Therefore I might consider ending this blog...or maybe closing it for a certain period of time...until I feel the need to do it again. Or maybe I'm really dried out and waiting for something to shake me up, to turn my world upside down and to make me .. live inside my head again.

Much better these days. No particular reason, I guess I'm about to find an inner rythm and stick to it. Biggest problem now is the house, I might have to wait until December or something to really be able to purchase something I could call "home". This place I'm living in right now does not comply at all with my definition of "home". In the meanwhile, I dream about that, I buy magazines and fancy around those imagines, like in a day-dream. Perhaps this could be soon a reality. Time is still a problem, but I discovered that it's all about time-management really. I just have to be "in the mood":). And mood is so unpredictable and beyond control that I cannot help being under the weather sometimes.
Weeks go by too fast, it's the end of October and I am not quite aware of it. I have, from time to time, a strike of reality, but it easily dissovles into my daily routine. And that is web web web.. No wonder I let my blog die. I understood however that this was in me all the time, this web thing, starting with spending lots of time on various astrology sites or women online magazines.. to wanting to learn web desing for the chemistry magazine I was working for. Of course, this does not make me an expert, I never pretended I was one, but it gave me a fresh look into this business.
But enough about work.. time to relax and to read some blogs. :)

void

That's what I feel lately. Long talks with my boyfriend about our relationship. Void again. Corporate void this time. I think, just as I told him tonight, that my problems are not menial, are so serious that I don't even want to utter them, for this would mean they exist. It's enough that my own self warns me that I kinda dissolved my spirit, that my effervescence is now only empty bubbles, I don't want to make it official, to admit it. Coz I wouldn't know what to do next. Get a life would be the answer, yes, I know. But I still believe that there could be a balance between life at work and life outside work. Admitting the problem would only draw me back even more, making me unable to act, to react, to do what I am probably supposed to do: LIVE. Searching for that balance is even more troubling. I need to have people around me who, not on purpose, could take me out this vicious circle I've entered.
I need a home, this is what I am struggling for. I need friends to make me think of other things than work or problems. I cannot do it by myself. And this I knew from the very beggining, from the first day at work, and I promised to myself I won't become what I am about to become: work freak. I guess I have to be forced to have fun sometimes. Sad story and a sad perspective, I know. Any suggestions?

blogs

It's very cold outside these days, but I kinda felt relieved that summer passed away, I didn't use it the way normal people do, I didn't go anywhere, I didn't have a proper vacation, I indeed feel frustrated about it, but hey, this isn't such a big deal after all, you know...
I've been reading some stuff about blogs, more about on the blog-phenomenon that's conquering Romania nowadays, and I must say my blog is not at all interactive or anything...I started well I guess, but I kinda lost interest on the way and it became just a webpage. It would have had more importance had I granted it some, but I rarely feel interested in much lately as I mentioned before..so I guess it lost the "human" touch. It became dull and grey, just like today and just like me these days. Still I find it interesting how blogs have a life of their own. I know somebody who has a common blog with some friends, it's more like a forum or a chat room, and they seem write about stuff, about things they are affected by, about facts, their oppinions..it's interactive all right and represents their common world. My world is about me alone, with my thoughts and my lack of interest, friends, vacation, carrier stability, anything. I started reading again though, which is good, I have to add this guy, Tom Sharpe, on my writers list. Although to some he's an old chap, to me he is brand new and I like that:).
uff, and that's about it for today. I have this obsessive thought about never having a driving licence in my life and I somehow must deal with it, but haven't found the solution yet. And it's getting really cold around here..brr

existing

After a week or so at the new job, I'm just beeing....cautious. Maybe I became over-prudent, I lack trust in people and I prefer just watching them for a while. Just to be sure (as if anyone can ever be 100% sure!) they're people I can rely on. Except for that, everything is ok, I guess. The new house is just big and cold, could never call this place "home" and I keep wondering when will I have a place of my own. I've been longing for it for so long that now I became a little skeptical about it. I used to picture it into my mind as I tried to fall asleep, I made various scenarios of what my house would look like. Now it's gone.. this was an over-used dream.
As a matter of fact I discovered I don't need anything anymore. I used to like things, I used to want stuff, like clothes or books, but now it's all gone. I don't even care what I eat as long as I am not hungry. How do I go back to beeing me? I feel like I lost interest in everything, and I generally am impartial, neutral, polite but cold, sometimes pretending I care, sometimes faking interest. Is that the new way of living? Is that the life style of my generation? I cannot say anymore. I am not sure I care.
Nevertheless I must admit I am not that tired anymore. Maybe because I start working at 10 a.m. which is much better, since I am closer to work than I was, I save a half an hour of sleep in the morning.
I still believe though that when I'll wake up from this thing I entered into, I will be able to find myself again...and I hope I won't be disappointed. And in the end, the system just dragged me in like in a vacuum. Five years ago I would have fought it. Now I just don't care...

always on the move

I'm moving again. I have a new job, next Monday will be the first day there, anothere TV station, a commercial one this time. I'm also moving to another house, an appartment this time, still no rent, lucky me. Things are shakin' up over here, and they're changing my world again. It's odd, but I am not enthousiastic, or afraid, or anything, maybe just a little bit worried. To tell ya the truth, I am sick of all that changing, I've had it, I need some peace and quiet, that's all. Hell, maybe I'm just too tired and just miss my summer hollidays an the sea. I haven't seen the sea yet, not this year. I wonder if I will...

my father's eyes

I think I don't have a recent picture of me and my father, alone. The last one is from 10 years ago, I was on my way to university, he was...ok. I sometimes wonder what affected me the most: his existence, or his non-existence? I used to have this conflictual relationship with him, we hardly talked and our tastes didn't match one bit. But somewhere deep inside I felt like I knew him, I think I inherited from him the same taste for life and the same tendency to imprudence, maybe the same naivity. When he was gone... my whole world collapsed. He was not, not anymore, the man I had to obey, he was.... my father.
I sometimes remember the life before, the life with him. I guess he was a guarantee for what my world was. For Home. Three years later, I still cry when I remember him. He would have been 61 today. And I guess missing him wouldn't go away. Never.

some things are meant not to be mentioned

I can't write about this...about the concert. The next day I felt like hit by a train. I couldn't realize I was there. And I suprised myself shouting my lungs out when they came on stage. I think I am still marked by this ... event or whatever it was. But I can't write about it. I can't describe it. I remember the feeling and now, when I listen to some of their songs on the radio, it all comes back to me. I would rather keep these feelings for myself, because writing about them, confessing them, exposing them to the public would only make them not... mine anymore. Nor mysterious or private. Some things are much better when they are just felt, not asserted.

I think I've changed a lot. Next week I'll be on vacation. Maybe the only vacation I'll ever have this year. I ... don't have that feeling. I am stressed, I am nervous, I am dizzy, I cannot focus. I came to hate the place I work. Not the work in itself, not the people, or not all of them.... just the place. I hope I will get outta there soon. Because that place is a brainwashing factory, that I'm sure.

And now, after a beer in the city with my friend, I got nostalgic, emotional, I remember myself few years ago, or even when I started this blog and it seems it's not the same person anymore. I got more acid, disappointed, bored, I lack patience and concentration, I got a little mean...but I hope somwhere deep down I'll still find, when in need, that piece of me which will never change, no matter what. oh, and yes, bitter, I almost forgot this, I sometimes get bitter. But only when alone or tired. Not now.

Strange love

Strangelove
Strange highs and strange lows
Strangelove
That's how my love goes

I can't miss writing about this:). I am not, not anymore, a teenager, enthousiatic and totally devoted to some gods on a poster. Nevertheless, the Depeche Mode concert of tomorrow brings out from within me some leftovers from my teenage years. Maybe because I never had the chance to go to a biiiiig concert like that 10 years ago, or maybe because such events always bring a hint of euphoria, I don't exactly know what it is, but I am totally and completely focused on tomorrow. I imagine scenes, I picture gestures and I create expectations.. It is very likely I will be a bit disappointed, perhaps I will be disturbed by the crowd pulling me, people trying to get a better view, worries of keeping myself safe and sound..but still, the thought of me being able to see this band I like on stage....well, that's something. In fact, this week Gotan Project had a concert here as well, I missed that one, I can't afford going to both concerts, but hey, it's been quite a week from this point of view.
I picked up this quote because I just feel like it tonight.

My muses

I sometimes find people who inspire me. I sometimes become inspiration to others, but these rare cases I do not consider, for I, my friends, aim to only evolve as a spirit. People who inspire me help me evolve. I do not know if this is a general truth about myself, but so far, this is what happened. People who helped me, in any way, get in the mood where I could just take a glance of the bigger picture, where I could see myself from above somehow, objectively, those were the ones who contributed to my evolution. And I do not mean material progress, but a mental and spiritual one. I truly feel that I am what I am just because I had the fortune of meeting such people. And I thank them for doing that, although they may not have a clue they've done it in such an important way to me.
Right now I think I like myself the way I am.... I guess there will be a limit to that too, but for now, for this moment, thanks to all of those who turned me into ME, I fucking love my life!

I'm feelin that I loose myself

I wanted to write several times but either I quit because of lack of ideas, or my computer went so slowly that I didn't have the patience to wait for the page to load. And sometimes I feel like I have so many things I would like to write about, but they just vanish the minute I begin the post. And I end up with a completely common piece of writing that I grow to hate every time I try to add something to it, so I just...quit. I figure I must have the time and the mood to write and to feel like writing again. And this is no time for that.
My job takes almost all my time. What I have left I try to share between my boyfriend, my mother, my driving lessons and some other things I complicate my life with. But this Friday was special, because I had nothing planned, I could sleep late (Friday is my day off) and drink my coffee in peace and even go to the market place, which was weird, coz only me and some old ladies were around and I felt like I was in a holiday or something!
And now I've come to appreciate my one month vacation/summer and my 8 to 4 working hours. I don't miss the work though. Nor the people. I like these ones better. And the work as well. I just hate what's goin on there, I mean people trying to stop something that's going fantastically well, people trying to take somebody's else place...ugly stuff like that. I know you people gonna say "wake up girl, that's the real world!", but I don't believe these things just happen like that everywhere. I hate this lack of stability or purpose or motivation and I need something to stabilize all that.
I really feel that I don't remember who I am anymore or what I want with my life, I just work and sleep and get tired and tired and tired. And I suppose now I'm just complaining and, yes, I know, there are people with worse problems than mine, but..well, this is my blog.

mad

Now I am really mad. I've grown to hate technology in every way. I hate computers because, if I work too long, my eyes hurt, I hate the Internet because you develop a virtual world where there is no touch with the reality, because it sucks you in a hole and loose every trace of your persona...I hate it because people have developed so many little programs that spy, copy, send by e-mail, take screen-shots of whatever you're doing on your computer....and why? Just because people wanna know, people are insecure, people need to believe that the other is not harming them.. I have to say there is nothing wrong in beeing hurt once in a while, otherwise we wouldn't appreciate the value of happiness. But, hey, not everybody is like me. Anyway, I really hate it and I probably would like to separate myself as much as possible of this kind of world. We are not here in "1984". We are supposedly free.

a girl still in her twenties

Today I saw a girl that reminded me very much of myself at her age.. that is some 4 years ago, and I suddenly felt old. I really have no idea what is best: to do everything to keep youself "young" (I mean clothes, music you like, lifestyle, etc.) no matter the age, or just try to assume your age and act accordingly? Because both variants have flows. If I keep myself like in my twenties, even if I am 40, I would look ridiculous. If I assume my age, I'd have to be a little bit oldish I guess. So what's the middle way?
Beside that, I realised I have to emphasize more on me and this doesn't mean I should become selfish, I just have to...you know, take care of me. I haven't been doing anything for myself lately, except work, I really need to invent things that remind me of me. And now we go back to the real question: what am I like? I know things about myself, but I generally adapt so easily to the circumstances and to the environment that I forget about me. Or maybe I identify to the new "group" so much that my old values seem to perish little by little. It's 2 months since I read my last book, it's too long since I had time to get bored and to start thinking about crazy stuff and to get ideas, new ideas. I didn't have anything to blog about. My life goes around my work and very little now on my relationship. And things will get worse I think. Maybe I am a little pessimist today, but I really feel like I forgot to LIVE. Or maybe I always need somebody around to show me how to do that, to spice things up and never let the system get me. Coz now this is the way I've taken.

Time time time....is not on my side

It's Sunday morning. I feel like I haven't slept enough or maybe that I slept too much, coz my head is spinning. Yesterday I had a terrible day, I ran from one place to the other, but still I managed to accomplish all my "tasks". My mother will be coming tonight, so I'll have to wait for her in that far-away dirty bus station... Tomorrow I'll be like a "zombie" at work again. And this is my life now. In between, I'll feed the pets, take Mooky-the-dog for a walk, and maybe, just maybe, get to see my boyfriend. :( I feel bad I have such a busy life, too many things to do, people always wanting stuff from me...not very nice indeed. Dunno exactly what to do about this...give up my English lessons could be an idea but I wouldn't want to give up all my kids. Other thoughts get ahead of this one about my spare time, and so I always miss thinking about it and the problem remains unsolved. Like now...I have to think about other things...things I need to buy for mom, what movie should we see, I have to translate a paper I've been postponing for some time...stuff. And my spare time is still an unsolved problem. One day I will solve it though.

My mother's birthday

Today is my mother's birthday. It is also her 2 years older sister's birthday. But, in the same day that my mother is celebrating her 60th anniversary, some other famous people celebrate their birthadays as well. People like Sharon Stone, Neneh Cherry, Chuck Norris, ....and last, but not least, ladies and gentlemen, Osama Bin Laden! :))). I couldn't believe it when I heard it on the news today... I wouldn't have made a difference perhaps, but I am a horoscopes/astrology/coincidences freak, so I am entitled to be surprised because of this detail.
Thing is I am really happy for my mom, her life is for the better I guess, because she turned 60 and on that very day she celebrates her birthday in Venice, Italy. It was her dream to go to Venice at least once in her life, and so she did. In the meanwhile, I've been having a tough week, I had no time for nothing so I quit carrying for anything, even for myself. I have to give up the English lessons because it's eating too much of my time. Theoretically, I should be fine, but there's always something else, a lesson, a document to translate, something.... And so I come home exhausted and I go to work again...not funny at all. So now I am going TO SLEEP.

frozen spring

It's the third day of spring and I feel already better, although it's freezing, it's snowing all over the country and it sounds like winter more than spring. This is the second night with Mooky, Mika and the turtles all tossed in a studio (not a very big one). The first time was absolutely terrible, I couldn't sleep, Mooky barked all night, Mika got scared and reacted badly, so did the dog, and so I was caught in the middle...of course you can imagine I didn't get any sleep. The next morning I swore to myself I would never repeat this kind of experiment. But...here I am repeating it. My mom left to Florence for a week, I couldn't stand the thought Mooky would stay all alone at night, so I figured that since tomorrow is Saturday, I can afford a sleepless night and to bring her here again. I read somewhere that if the animals feel you panic, they would get anxious as well, and the first time I was scared just like them. Now I am too sleepy to get scared. And they feel it, Mooky is playing, Mika is on the wardrobe, surveilling the whole thing...quite a scene if you think about it. I hope they will eventually ignore each other, i don't hope they will be friends (I am not that naive..you know). So I am like Ace Ventura in his apartment, only that I don't have as many pets as he did:). (big yaaaawwwwwnnn). I am going to sleep and I hope I can get some. goood night, world, wherever you are.

almost weekend

I'm tired now. And so it happens that everytime I am tired it's dark outside, which only depresses me even more than the actual fatigue state does it already. This is one reason why I love summer so much. Because the night comes late and it's an optimistic kind of night, it's filled with people going out for a drink, it smells like holliday even though I'm working, and the evening in the city, when you can feel it live, pulsing with every step around you, that's a wonderful feeling to me.
Tonight I almost fell asleep in the bus, although the radio was on and the music was cheerful. People were looking at me, I could feel their pitty "oh, poor girl, she's so tired". Playing a nice scenario in my head didn't work either. I have some scenarios that make me daydream even by night: how I would like to decorate a house of my own, what would I do if I won the lottery, stuff like that. But tonight I had no inspiration whatsoever. My head was pretty empty in that area, so I tried to focus on people in my life. I also had a gloomy week, I had to attend a funeral, one of my friend's father died, it was so bad because it reminded me of my own father... So I've come to think of everybody I knew, people at work, friends, my colleagues from school, my friends from childhood...they are all in my life more or less, but what am I to them? Do they care that the winter and the dark make me feel down, are they happy right now? And when I die, will they remember me? Do I have to do things in order to be remembered? dunno really if it matters so much, in the end... We're all gonna die, but some of us ain't gonna die ugly.
I do many things right now but I don't have a clear, great purpose to achieve. I just live. Somewhere on Earth, there's me, living.
Well, I guess I don't have a specific purpose for this post. And I'm gonna watch a movie, play with Mika (she's ok, if you wondered) and sleep. And tomorrow...we'll always have tomorrow, won't we?

Snowy February

It's snowing. I've come to appreciate the snow, because when it snows, it's not that cold. It's 0 degrees C at most, and this is veeery good as compared to -10 degrees C the other days. I feel tranquil and serene again this morning, maybe because I had my part of sleep (that I needed, oh, so much) and now my mind is alert again, I have ideas running through my head like crazy, but they are in disorder, I have to organize them, put them on paper or so.
The only bit of a problem this morning is that I've come to realize that I grew very much apart from my friends, we haven't met since last year or since the New Year's Night, we still, talk, I mean I talk to some of them, but...thing is that I don't feel the need of talking to them. These people at work, they are somehow fulfilling this role in my life although it's a surrogate and I know it, soon I'll wake up all alone, but I don't need to speak to those girls. Maybe because they don't feel that either..so...I guess, that's it then, right?
Uff, I have to get dressed, my mother and Mooky are waiting for me, hopefully I'll have some pictures of that dog pretty soon. Ciao!

P.S. - My brother is living now in the appartment of an old lady named Signora Tulia. Every Sunday, mother and I call him on the phone, but of course, every time signora Tulia is answering. You should hear my Italian accent when I say "Buongiorno, signora, sono la sorella di Pietro, potrei parlare con mio fratello per favore?". First time even I couldn't help myself from laughing, the accent was too obvious, maybe hilarious.

subway

I've been traveling a lot by subway these days on my way to my English lessons, although I completely hate the subway. It's like we're rats, traveling underground, you can't see anything through the window, it's black, all you can see is the reflection of yourself and other bored people next to you. But it's an interesting way of looking at people; in a bus, I am too preoccupied with the exterior, buildings, people passing by, the atmosphere, but here I am forced to concentrate on my fellow passengers. I noticed that mostly old people read books, some of them have tabloids I sometimes take a peak of, or crosswords. Young people play games on their phones or just stare. Some of them ar not afraid to stare at you, making you feel pretty unconfortable. I only take glances of them and try to image what they're like, what's their life like and what's in their minds when staring at me or at their neighbour.
And might I just say that the difference between me and a 17 year old girl is, except the 10 years between us, not just the looks, but the fact that they are not wearings hats, their coats are short and they must be freezing now, but they just don't care, they have their hands red because of frost, and their ears too, whereas I have lots of clothes on and I am still afraid of being cold. See? that's the difference...they don't care if it's cold...

I need...I dream

It's so cold I can hardly breathe...I know I said that before, but i really hate cold weather, especially when it's freezing outside. I need a car. I need a driver's licence first...but only because I need a car.
I realized I have many "projects" going on this year, not all of them very easy to accomplish. First I need a car. Second, I need to renovate my country house, it's old and a part of it is almost falling into pieces, it's a pitty to let such a house ruin. Especially since this is the only place in this world I can call "home". And after that I want to continue my studies in a different field this time, so I'll try to be a student again in Journalism...if it's all possible of course. And that's about it..for now. Of course, I have many other small and immediate plans, like changing the stupid glasses and stuff like that. And of course, getting better at work, I know it sounds a little bit silly, but I mean it, I take this very seriously and I have to get better because there are times when I feel I am missing something, maybe the know-who requested in the media world.
Besides, I know that three (!!!) of my friends are planning on getting married this year, I can't believe it, soon I'll be a respectable spinster :)), and I am really glad for them, sure, although I don't really see myself in a position quite like that yet. But maybe at the end of this year I'll be writing a blog about my plans of getting married, so, you know, everything is possible.
And that's all for today I guess, not much of a post this time, I am in the period when I get information from all possible sources, I started watching movies again, but I am not so curious about music anymore, I hardly listen to specific music, just let the radio on and that's that. So maybe after a while I'll be able to dazzle the world with more Miruna-wit:)) (and please notice the lack of modesty, as well).
again this feeling of deja-vu...it's like I'm making a pastiche of myself (dunno if pastiche is really a word in English, I'll fix it next time).
so long, people.

history...repeating

I noticed I repeat myself from time to time. There are subjects in this blog that appear over and over and you people must be saying "oh, come on girl, you've said that once before, what a hell, you're not that old!" and you couldn't be more right about that. I agree. I read myself and try to be objective and even I said that to myself. But...the explanation is that every time I feel something, it has a different nuance, a different color, and so it's almost new to me and ready to be shared. And this is why you may encouter, if you ever take the time to read this, several subjects that appear, one way or another in my writings. They just empahsize a mood sometimes, or other times they just serve me pretextes for writing something.
But the important thing is that I write, right? Thought so too:)...
Now, for the latest news update: Mika is ok, she returned to her old habits of jumping and scratching the chairs and stuff and this is very good. My turtles get bigger every day, at least the old one, she's huuuuuuge (I mean for a cute pet). My mother's dog is fine, she's not really into taking long walks but she's coming around. My brother returned to Florence and moved to a warmer house. My mother returned to her old habits of torturing me and assigning me duties when I really don't feel like it. And I hope my performances at work are getting a liiiittle bt better because I really can't say I'm doing perfectly fine. Maybe in a month or so.. and that's about it.
Ah, I saw a documentary tonight, really impressive to me, but really it's difficult to talk about it on the blog, first because it's still fresh in my mind and it needs a time to settle somewhere in my head, and second because it regards some serious issues I am not ready to talk about. But the point of mentioning it here was that it took me into one of that long lasting pensive moods.
So, night night you people!

... New Year

Well, well, well... what do you know, we're in 2006! Very nice of us, especially since we did nothing about it, it just happened and we just "enjoyed" it. Well, my New Year's Eve party was...ok, could have been better if my sixth sense didn't feel a negative vibe from my friend, and this bad feeling followed me all night, although I tried to let it go, not to think too much about it...ya know. But looking back, I kinda have the feeling I shouldn't have let it go, coz it's important.. Truth is I really had very few friends, female friends, they were all conjectural acquaintances and lost them one way or another. This is not the situation with all of them of course, but somehow I managed to decrese the intesity of the friendship until it eventually vanished, or only the polite side remained. I know it's me, since it happened just the same with almost everybody. Dunno how I do it exactly, it's different every time, but the result is the same. We become "acquaintances". We're not friends anymore. As a matter of fact, my lack of time gives me no chance of having friends. People are working late these days. After work they wanna go home and sleep. If not, they invest their little spare time into a pseudo-relationship that lasts just because people need to be together...somehow. So, where do friends actually show up? At birthdays, during various holidays like Christmas or New Year's Eve, during summer holidays, something like that, hmmm? And that's their purpose in your life? It's a bitter conclusion I am drawing here, or maybe it's just the mood I am in, but right now methinks that friendship is quite a little bit of a problem to me. I hate losing friends. I hate that I expect too much of them or that they disappoint me and don't even know that...