24th of December, Santa Claus, the phone guy and 2005

This is my last post of this year... I hope the next year will be much much better, cause this one has left me weakened and dried out, too much trouble and too many mistakes, too many people were hurt, and many lives have changed suddenly during this year... I really hate this kind of thinking, you know, conclusive and final. Maybe because my conclusions are not very satisfactory... Only these last days seem better, and I'd like to point out "seem", cause I wouldn't like to take the chance and say "is", it's too soon to be so sure that what's in my head is real :)). Anyway, it's promising, this, what's going on right now, not necessarely that I'm floating in a sea of joy, but I'm stable, that's what's important.... After all, I guess my inner equilibrium is regaining balance and I become me again... I wonder what I'll discover after that:)). But, as I said, these last few days were quite refreshing, so I have every reason to hope for better... Let's say...for an upgraded version of me.

I'm tired and very low mentally, I feel like this birthday of tomorrow is the worst day of this year, it was not enough that I've been through so many things meant only to destabilize me... now I have to face the fact that i'm also getting older and uglier, and lonelier.. I really hate myself right now. I hate myself for being so stupid sometimes, for not dealing with things when I was supposed to, for letting myself go, for being so dryed out right now... I mean it's not that I'm incapable to feel things, I do, but there's always something missing. God, i'm tired! I'm gonna sleep one of these days so deep that I won't get up until everything has gone away.....

f......g birthday week

at least I have no time get bored. Coz except for that I have everything. Got depressed today (I'm also very tired and I haven't slept for 2 days), I remembered my birthday is this week and I really hate it, cause I kinda feel old and you know... when I was ten I was sure that when I'll be 26 I'll be married with children... Well, it's not that I wanna get married, or I might but it takes two for that, but I feel like I must do something with myself, my life was not supposed to be like that, I should have been somebody who could make a difference. Hm I guess not, isn't it? And to make it even more difficult to endure, nobody is meeting me on my birthday, they are all home with their families... as I am supposed to be with mine, but I really can't stand those phonies more than 3 hours. So i'll be taking my brother and his girlfriend and go some place.... the very thought of it makes me feel like crying....
still, there is one thing, in fact one person that made these last few days easier. He knows many jokes, i love to laugh...Bingo! perfect match:)). But you know what's weird? we only met once, but we talk so much all day long that I feel I know him for ages.. and that's great.

invisible

I should do something about myself regarding my behaviour with guys..... I've been having this problem since highschool, gosh, such a long time... I'm too impatient to get what I like, I'm not mysterious nor play hard to get and this seems to mean something.. either that I am easy (which I am not!!!) or that I'm desperate (I'm not that either). So... this new guy... it started ok and I blew it because I grew attached over him, a stranger.. Well, i felt like we were friends, that's all. Of course, it's my problem, not his fault. But is there a cure for this? Except for turning invisible and hiding under the desk for being too embarassed for this situation.. Hmmm. I'll think about it.

don't you know that Rome wasn't built in a day

Let's say things haven't changed that much during the last few weeks. C. is still in Barcelona, M is still calling me every god-damn morning to ask me how I am... He came home few days ago to see me and I can feel that he is desperately hanging to this "relationship", he doesn't want to lose me, but he can't hold me since he left me.. He said he wanted to tell his parents about me. Oh come on!!! I thought, this summer I was unhappy he didn't do it, now I asked him not to. I don't wanna be official, I just want him to leave me alone, I want him to understand that we can be friends, but not lovers/a couple or something like that... I can't talk about all things that make my life, but I can write about things that are important, persons that I consider worthy of mentioning... and so is this guy.. Eh, you'll say that this is what my life was lacking: guys!!!! But it all started as a very pleasant Friday conversation and now... I kinda wanna see him, I feel some things about him... I mean I think I like him in a way (but I haven't met him yet, so it's kinda... I'll see after this weekend) and things are starting to be coloured and cheerful again. And I start wondering if that's what I need to be a little glad? Just a bit of attention from somebody I like? Maybe...

p.s. - OR MAYBE NOT... Perhaps all I need is someone to really care, difficult mission indeed, coz people who care about me, like M., don't get much out of me, and those I think I care about don't give me much.
p.p.s - I might get a haircut today, i'm sick of me like that. As a matter of fact, I'm sick of everything right now. Moods changed very quickly, I know...

I took a moment of thinking about a talk I had yesterday with him... and it seems to me that he accepted this whole situation and acts according to the given facts. I was sitting in my bed and trying to figure out if he really will end up being happy, he is happy right now, or he is not happy at all but cannot do anything about it. In fact, to be honest, I wanted to know his feelings for me. My friend told me it's no use of knowing this, this will hurt me even more... But it already does, so what's the difference? I need to know, good or bad, I hate uncertainty.
Nice things happen: people bzzz on YM, they are crazy, just like that, to buzz a person.

not happy

yes, it's true, it's no surprise anyway, considering the latest facts of my life.... and I don't think things will improve soon. But these are things that happen and I really can't make anything to change the situation. Maybe I'll decide eventually to write the novel I though of for some time now, not to make a difference in the literary world, but to tell everyone what's in me, to tell them the whole truth, beginning with my mother and finishing with you-know-who. In fact, on a second thought, I have nothing to tell him, nothing... He knows I love him (strangest thing is that this kind of love is so....free that i'm surprised of me, of my reactions, I could be able of many things that usually contradict the normal situation, if I knew it makes it easier for him), so I don't have anything else to confess or share with him. I mean I would have, but I can't....
Ahhhh, and this Christmas stuff, i really hate it, every christmas all i can think of is that I got older, one more year passed and I did nothing to make me feel that it didn't pass in vain. Hate this period....

serenity now.... insanity later

All day long I tried to convince myself to stay calm, not to panic, yes, tomorrow is a big and nasty day for him, yes, it doesn't concern me at all, this day, but still, because I care, because I cannot help thinking about it, I panic and it's no good for anyone, me included. So I kept repeating, over and over, "stay calm, it's ok, stay calm, don't panic", but now i just can't help it, I'm exploding, it's just not fair and I hate life for being so unfair sometimes!! i really don't know anything about his life from now on, what the future will bring. Maybe it's a lesson we should learn, maybe it's something we must go through, and maybe, just maybe, one day our time will come. and yes, love is like a nicer friendship (have I said that before? dunno).

vinegar and salt

Don't know if I should be happy or sad, really..... C. left yesterday, I was on the phone with him all day long (don't even think about the phone bill now), and after that calls started, some friends invinting me out, M. to ask me how I am, stuff like that, but most important of it all.... well, dunno how should I put this, but let's just say that I found out what I lost... The worst part of me losing someone who could have been important was not knowing it for sure. Well, yesterday I found out for sure, ufff, it was so good...... I was happy to discover that what I imagined is true, but not so happy knowing that it was for nothing, he's not mine.
So now, I really have no idea which is my mood. I'm happy and sad in the same time, the two are fighting inside of me, each with its arguments, nobody is winning this fight unfortunately. I'm really wondering what happens next, I get up in the morning and try to face all the surprises a day brings me. Some of them are not very pleasant. But at least now I know...

sleep

The purpose of my imediate life is sleep. I don't know if I'm tired, I'm more likely sick of everything and all seems to go away when I sleep or when I'm in bed and watch tv. Tomorrow we have a free day, it's the national holiday and it's great to have a free day in the middle of the week:)). This is why I feel so good today (except for getting my salary), I have a day of sleep and sweet laziness tomorrow....
something else makes me wonder... Yesterday C. came to my place to say good bye, he's leaving tomorrow morning. But I didn't cry... I think I don't realize it... Very sad though...

stability

That's the key word. That's what I need. That's what I've been missing for the last almost 2 years. And last night I finally decided I shoud stabilize for a little while at least. That's why I asked M. to move back in for good, I don't wanna see him move for a while somewhere else and to end-up eventually in the same place, that's my place. So he agreed and that's it. Coz I don't like being alone and my birthday is coming up soon. Coz even if I don't feel anything too intense now, and even if maybe I won't marry the guy, we both need each other right now. For different reasons, of course, but still, the interest is the same. Nevertheless, I can't help feeling guilty, like I betray C. and this is weird, he has someone else, he will leave soon (if he hasn't already), why should I feel guilty? Maybe it's because of his last text left on my computer, from Saturday night, he was happy, I was happy, why did we broke up? Sometimes I don't remember, some other times I feel it so present that i could break up with him again, just to make him feel the pain I felt.
Ohhh, and he suffered.... I know he did.
So... that's my decision. I might discover later that it was the worst move of my life. But now I see it like something temporary.

what the heeeeellllll?

well, cannot believe this, but it's true: C. is leaving to Barcelona after all, leaving me here, in the perfect chaos. His life is always a chaos, and this is why he is used to it, but me... that's a different story. And M. is coming back, oh God, i shouldn't feel this, this summer we were in love and now I can't stand the thought of him in the house... It's strange, but I can't actually tell him to move back in, even though I wanna help him, because I just can't. I thought of waiting for C. to leave and then.... I'll see.
This makes no sense. Yea, I know. so what?
And the one I love... he is in too much pain and unhappiness to be albe to talk about him right now. someday maybe..
And that's it for today.

the truth

I should tell now the truth about it all, although I really don't feel comfortable admitting that this way of life is actually my fault. Because it was me to let it happen, I was waaaay too indulgent with my ex boyfriend and everyone around me. So we broke up, of course i couldn't have done it without some extra help and so some other guy ... "happened". Well, and this guy was kinda married, kinda divorcing because of me, kinda going back to his wife for a while, not emotionally but physically (cause we made the mistake to move in together, and after that he was gone, leaving me all alone, I really wonder how I managed to pay the rent so far) and kinda wanting to come back now, when I threw him out of me.... On top of this, as I was wondering one Sunday afternoon "do I really love anyone, or I'm just dried out for a while?", I realized that I do love someone. And as you, readers, might expect, it's not my ex boyfriend (I see him Thursday to Sunday each week), nor my new one, it's someone else, who was there all the time, and now it's impossible for us to be together. I'm not saying I hit the jackpot with him, but now I don't even have the chance to see if it's true or not... And this leaves me a little bitter and sad. But hey, life's too short to be unhappy, isn't it?

As for the problem of the last post, well, actually I got discouraged to see how troubled I was (and I still am) during the past few months. I think I'm gonna be the happiest person on earth when this fucking year is done. But thanks for being there, you guys:)).... (that's no reference to male readers only :P )

weeellll

I made the mistake to read my previous posts, can't believe it, I am always complaining about something, and always mentioning my chaotic way of life (which, by the way, it's my fault:)), it's getting boring, huh?
I'll rethink the whole concept of this blog.... really. I hate being so fucking unstable and always complaining about it.

too close to Christmas

I like writting in different colours:)). Today I feel better, although, the perspective of another year passing by doesn't or shouldn't make me feel so good... One of my teachers once told me that nobody should be glad and party for their birthday, coz it's nothing to be glad for, getting older is not.... merry. Well, although my problems are getting more and more complicated (some are divorcing, others waiting for me to stabilize), I know that there are solutions for these problems and everything will be ok. Suddenly, I feel things will fall into their right places just like that. Uff, hope this mood will last longer than few hours:)).

oooh my God.....

i've been thinking a lot about different things that happened to me lately, it's not weird, it's just confusing and chaotic, this hurts me and the consequences of my actions will be seen a looooong time from now on. Unfortunately, I'm the most miserable of all, knid of think that it was my choice, why not be unhappy if it's possible...... And now i'm ok, but just sad. Not depressed, not crying, but sad. It'll go away, I'm sure.... Maybe once I will find someone...

hope next year is better

Well, to tell the truth, i honestly thought I will do much better by now, but it seems nothing is as I planned. I should mind, of course, but except for being verrrrrry nervous, I'm ok. If ok means with many problems but still being able to laugh at a good joke.
I spend my life thinking about these guys that matter and I really cannot tell which one is the one. Maybe none. Although.. I don't know... I'm so confused that I can hardly tell who I am... Juat wanted to let everyone know what's up with me.

worse

oh, ok, so they told I will get better in time but my only oppinion is that I'm worse, ufff, I hate my life entirely right now, where is the mistake, the fact that I broke up with the man I considered the one (but who tortured me for five years), or the fact that I threw myself too soon in a very tricky relationship? If it wasn't for M. I wouldn't have had the power to break up with C., but one thing led to another, now we are living together, we meet only one hour per day, there are so many problems that I get dizzy....ufff. I guess now there's nothing I could do but wait, how about now? What do I do NOW?

party tonight

Well, today we have the anual party at work... stil can't get used to being ordered to have fun with a bunch of people that consider me either a child, or somebody that doesn't matter anyway. Nevertheless, the one reason for going there is that seeing all those oldies (but goldies:)) dancing, trying to move their hips and legs like they used to (perhaps) makes me laugh, it's also sad if you think about it, but trust me, seeing them on floor is so hilarious:). So, I dress up, put on some make up and just go. It's ok, but the thought that this happens because I have to, not because I want to, makes me feel bad. Hate constraints of any kind...

sleepy

It's only like noon and I am so sleepy I could hardly keep my eyes opened, don't ask me why. I hate writing from work, but since this is the only (kind of) way, i have to be satisfied with it. And these chemistry articles are killing me bit by bit, and the stories that my colleagues are telling around me (the in-laws are stupid and mean, the husband is always reticent to changing the furniture, blablablabla) are even worse. Oh, nevermind, I hope this weekend I could travel to Russe, I heard so much about it that now I'm expecting something very different from Romania.
Other than that, I hate it when I'm missing someone I got used to having around. Good night everyone!:)

better

I am weather dependent. That's for sure. But today it seems that my good mood cannot be ruined by anything, not even by the cloudy sky or by the pile of papers on my desk at work. I think I have regained my trust or so it seems, and I've come to the conclusion, with the help of a friend (hi alex), that girls/women are like that, they experience a wide range of moods which make them act like "crazy". I do not consider this crazy, don't get me wrong, I just wanted to assert this for myself cause I never thought of it in this way. And my trusting problems with M. are nothing but changing moods. For now. I hope...

autumn already?

I hate this weather with all my heart, it seems like the world is doomed again and it makes me feel down, as if i wasn't already. Walk up with a feeling that something is wrong, of course this feeling could be induced, but last night I really felt that there was something going wrong between me and M. But then I thought that I might be wrong because I created this situation, I was the one acting strange and he is only reacting to this thing, he is feeling it and he is leaving me alone, considering this is the best way to deal with it. I really don't know. I really don't know if I should talk about it, cause it might hurt his feelings, saying "u know what, I thought this would be easy, but it ain't, trusting u and all, I feel you're hiding things from me, that you're not being honest..."......bleah, hate this kind of talk, this kind of words. Well, today I hate the world and probably, as a reaction, the world hates me as well.

back

a little bit of a quiet holliday, although not the vacation of my dreams... Somebody asked me here why do i write in English... That is why "the fuck" do I write in English... Well, wise guy, because I may want to be in touch with people from the world, not from Romania only. And because it is universal. I don't even know if this one deserved an answer, but it irritated me, it's stupid question.
As for the introspective qualities of my diary, one must understand that I have to get used to it before I let me introspect myself.. if that makes sense to anyone at all.
First day at work, it feels better than expected, don't know why, guess I'm in danger of becoming a work addict... Hope not (((.

dillema

well... let's see. I used to like writting in a diary, I always had problems because of people reading them, and now, when I shouldn't be afraid of this anymore, I don't feel like writting so much... Although if I think about it, it would be a good way of getting everything off my head, and just put it here, like in a vault. Maybe throw the key:)). We will see..

just another manic Monday

hate Monday mornings with all my heart. Especially during summer when everybody is in a holiday mood and the sun and the heat only make u think about sea and beach and stuff like that.. Only two weeks until I get my part of holiday this year. Sometimes I hate being grown up and responsible... that's just this morning's mood:))

nice

so nice to have people around that just make you take a glimpse of reality, isn't it? Especially when that's all you need..... There've been ups, as well as downs and I hate repeating myself...

hot july

very nice hot july day. Just love it. Feel like I'm on a holiday, though I'm still working. Ups and downs because of the PMS, a friend of mine reminded me about this...what a pain in the ass.. That's all for today, for now