back

I'm back. Not really happy that I am back. I'd just begun to get used to having sand in my hair, to the hot sun of the noon, to the loisir mood of that place. I am on vacation after all, I shouldn't be here, in this dirty town.
I am here because I had to make a choice. I could have been selfish and stay, or caring and come. So I came. But ... me not really happy.

I'm leaving

Tomorrow I'll be at the seaside. For very few days, indeed, but those will be MY days of rest. Do not look for me. Do not call me or ask about me. I'll be just fine, trust me, better than today or any of the days of this shitty week that's about to end.
I had a lot of pressure and trouble, since I wanted to make everything right and I failed. I tried to offer my best, yet people were unsatisfied. They hadn't even told me so, they told someone else, and this is how I know it.
I tried to offer the perfect birthday at the office and I feel I failed. Nobody said anything bad about it, but I just felt it wasn't what I had in mind.
Oh, well, hopefully tomorrow these will be things I couldn't care less. I want my rest and I deserve it.
I am sure that many of you have heard this song. If you, younger guys, haven't, well, it's no loss, it's just a song that marked an entire generation at the beginning of the '90s

one day

You'd say (for those who undersand Romanian, of course) that this song is not appropriate at all. But this is my real mood. Cannot name it, put my finger on it, but in the middle of the summer, on my last day of work before a short and, hopefully, intense holiday, I shouldn't be melancholic or something. Well, I am.
I hope I will be ok after this time off work. Hope to get some rest and find my inner equilibrium.

in wiki we trust:P

Wikipedia says I was born on the same day as the following personalities (among others): Ignatius of Loyola, Ava Gardner, Mary Higgins Clark, Tarja Halonen, Ricky Martin. What do a Jesuit, an actress, a poet, the president of a nordish country, a Latin singer and me have in common? I really believe we all suffer from not having a proper birthday. On my birthday people think about Christmas and Santa, not me. I believe these guys also had/have the same problem. Could anyone ask them if I am right? I don't have their phone-numbers....yet:)).

tic-tac

I really like Mika. Not only that his name is the one of my cat, but I also like his music. And I play this song every time I face a bit of a crisis. Like today for instance when I started crying while watching photos of my cousin and her new-born baby. Now I know all these theories about the biological clock of women, how we really want kinds and when we feel we should we get frustrated if we don't... But I don't really think it is my case now. Or I didn't think it until today. And then I faced a new dillema: is my age starting to show it's thorns? Do I start feeling like 29?
I don't have an answer and I really have to go clean up the mess in this house..but this will bother me for some time now.

vinegar and salt

you tell me why I love this song so much

RS

yes, it's true, I've been there. I saw them. I really did. They're old, funny and really know how to entertain. I loved Mick saying things in Romanian, making fun of Lisa, I loved Keith's first song, I loved Ronnie's generosity with the public. I loved it. I couldn't regret I was there. But nothing compares to last year. It's possible my feelings were different, it's possible I was less affected by RS music. Still I liked it though.

For the rest, heat is killing me bit by bit. They say it's hotter here than in Sahara Desert and I believe it, +40 degrees outside is murder. The AC in our office is almost dead, keeps us only from fainting, but we're all heavy sweating there. And we have another 8 days to face it. Heat is my nightmare now.

As for the house, I decided to take it slow since my uncle said I can stay here for as long as I want. So I'll look for the best offer I can afford. That's about it. Hope it will be soon though.

and so it goes

It hit me this morning while walking to work: I'll soon be 29 and settling down is not anywhere near my plans, short term or long term, not even in their vicinity. My mother and my old relatives ask me all the time "why don't you get married?". Well, for starters, nobody asked me. Never. It's not that I really want it, but it never happened. Last I've heard, I cannot get married alone. It takes two to tango.

Or maybe I'm just a little bit depressed.

too much sun, no energy

As much as I would like a home, I cannot find the energy to look for one. But this is old news already:). I tried to move but I can't. It's too damn hot around here. I have too much to do at work sometimes, that I forgot I have issues. MY issues. Nevermind, nobody is kicking me out of this place anyway.
As you all know (I dunno why I said "all" since I believe there are very few people reading me these days, I know, I grew up, I'm just borring), I just love summer, but the heat prevents me from moving around this city. Too much dust, too many cars, the sideways are burning in the middle of the day. Plus, I hate banks. Really do. In fact I hate numbers. At school I got only low degrees in mathematics. Unfortunately, one way or the other, I mean new building or old building, I'll have to deal with banks at some point in my existence. Oh well, what can I do....not much.
We're all preparing for the Rolling Stones concert here in Bucharest. I'm not that enthousiastic as last year when I saw Depeche Mode live on stage, but well, it's something I cannot miss. And I'm sure my dad would have loved to see them.
I recently saw one of Oprah's shows where the main cast of Seinfeld was invited. Seinfeld himself, Julia, Jason, Michael, they were all there, and I enjoyed every minute of it. I remembered why I had such a passion for this show in the first place. And why I chose my master degree paper subject to be the language of Seinfeld:). But this never happened anyway. It was just a dream...
I was asked one evening what my dream is. I simply couldn't answer. At last I said I dreamed to have my own place. But this didn't come out from the beginning. I guess I believed people expected me to be more profound or original than this.

headache

I'm tired. It's chronic fatigue already. I had no vacation last year and this year my vacation will be too short to have a proper rest. I started the "M needs a home" campaign but so far I haven't had any success. I'm kinda patient though, but outta time for looking properly. I realized that every time I have to do something for myself, no pressure attached, I have the tendency to postpone things, to take it too easy maybe, I am not motivated enough I guess. How can I fight myself?
Cruel headache right now. Not the best month for me, apparently.

how to...

You know there are lots of books about "how to": how to quit smoking, how to write a wonderful book, how to have a great body shape, how to fuck your brains out.... I think I'll be needing a book about how-to-live-my-life-alone-for-one-year. I guess it's the first time it happens for such a long time. I'm glad for him, I'm just happy he gets to study there, but I can't stop wondering "what about me?". I cannot figure my life right now. My only hope, as I see it, is to jump into a whirlpool of issues such as my house, my job, my pets, my..self. We'll see...

....

It's pretty difficult for me now to describe last week. I had such busy, emotional, physically challenging days that I can hardly put them into words. The strongest emotion is certainly my going back HOME. yes....you heard me....HOME. The appartment we used to live in was in front of the railway station. When I arrived and saw MY window, MY balcony....I couldn't help crying. I didn't care people were staring, I went to my aunt's in tears, wondering why am I here and not going home.
For the rest...I was surprised to notice how much I liked the town, how deep inside my mind are imprinted its alleys, its streets, the schools, my parents' work places... And especially how I felt that this was my home. I own a little house at the country side where I grew up, I might buy myself a little home in Bucharest, but I guess nothing will compare to that feeling of HOME I experienced on Friday.
My highschool colleagues are almost the same:). I loved seeing them, I loooooved going back to school.

I loved being back home. Except that I can't tell when I'll be going there again.

nothing...

yesterday, while ironing my skirt, it struck me: my parents hardly loved one another. I can't remember seeing them kiss or hug or anything that would betray love. My dad would make fun of my mom and she would answer back to him and that was that. And now I think this might have affected me one bit... coz when it comes to family, I picture it based on a "life-contract" more than based on love. Although I couldn't imagine not loving my husband (if I had one).

And I really can't wait next week when I finally go home. I fear going to Deva because I haven't been there since April 2003. I cannot remember the house with no furniture, with boxes all over. To me this house is still there. I'm afraid I might be tempted to go.... home. But that "home" no longer exists.

I'll see my highschool mates though. We have our ten-years-since-finishing-highschool party. And in September I''d have been here for ten years already... dunno if it's good or bad.

It's hot. It's only like the mid of May and we're all suffering from heat, as if it were July. But I'm glad, better than freeze anyway.
As last year I didn't have any vacation, this year I was planning a good rest by the sea. But it seems my plans won't work. First I have to see if I can finally buy myself a home and then, only after seeing this one come true, I might consider rest. However, this buying-a-home plan is energizing :).

I've been away for a few days and, because of the sad reason of my travel, I didn't watch tv at all. When I woke up this morning to go to work I had the strange feeling that I forgot everything about my work. Of course, once I entered the office and turned on my PC, it all came back to me. It was like I was waking up from a short amnesia and start recognizing things.
Despite the sadness and the tragedy around me, I discovered a nice little town, very charming and very close to me. I liked it.

I'll try to make it simple and clear: I really thought this blog died. But on Friday evening someone said I could revive it somehow. He said I could write in Romanian, so I didn't. He said I could write about work...which I won't, not right now. Because when I started this blog, the concept was "public diary" or smth. Right now, blogs aren't just that. I mean...nobody just writes about feelings. To have a good blog, one must be interactive. To be interactive, one must create/talk about subjects that interest people. My personal experiences (and also MY routine, MY boredom) were not interactive. I was asserting them and that's all.
Well...I can't say I'll change something. And I must confess, although probably somebody would react to this, that I stopped writing not only because I didn't feel like it, but because I was afraid of others' reactions. I didn't want to write about breaking up, finding someone new, other experiences..because I know someone would read and suffer. And I hate it when people suffer because of me. And I seem to make them suffer on a regular basis.
BUT...nevertheless I just said to myself "Fuck all that" and just write....stupid or not, don't read me if u don't like it...
AND I really believe that by breaking up with me, guys change, evolve and even acquire features they never had when in relationship with me.
SO... my own, personal cenzorship..I'll try to let it go a bit.

Today I am such a crybaby

Emotional week. The peak was Saint Nicholas night when I had a dream. I was hugging my dad, he was so thin I could feel only his bones through the jeans jacket he was wearing. He told me "I'm sorry I cannot be with you now, at the begining of your road". I started to cry and so I woke up. All day I felt like crying. My brother got engaged on that day. I was thinking of how proud my dad woul have been of his son. In the evening I took my mother to a tribute-to-Abba concert. It was very funny for me, but mom was happy. Again felt like crying imagining myself at her age :(.
And today... because I think I'll spend the day all alone, I suddenly had the 2001 feeling. A song caused this sensation, but it didn't stop, it was like I "engaged" myself back into the past... had a pure feeling of a similar moment of 5 years ago. (I still cannot feel 2001 as being so far away in time...5 years mean a lot...but to me they feel like 2 at most). And so I got sad, it's a profound feeling of falling into my self, moments like this allow me a clear perspective of my own life...make me aware of feelings and moods and sensations I thought I had already forgotten. I can't explain it...it's like I'm taking a journey into me, into my mind and into my past..and live moments all over again. And when I wake up and realize I'll soon be 28 and we're not in 2001 anymore...that's when I get sad. I feel like I lost important moments of my life because I was blinded and irrational, I feel like I could have done things better or different, I regret I never said words I should have said.
Finally, I hope next week will be just different. I felt like writting, hoping I could take the weight off my chest, that's all.

Hell, it's been a long time I've been here. I guess my taste for writting a blog or more like the lack of it relates to my job. I am "surrounded" by dozens of blogs (mostly work, that's true) and they kinda...turn me off.
And there's this other thing: it's like I've created a huge complex in my mind that everything I would consider writing about is boring and maybe not worth mentioning (which I think is true, since there are very few people interested in how I feel/think and they don't have to read the blog in order to find out latest news about me). So...why keep blogging? I mean... this isn't working anymore. Writing isn't good anymore... it's not taking out the devils inside my head, my psychic burdens are almost inexistent right now or so I make them be.... Therefore I might consider ending this blog...or maybe closing it for a certain period of time...until I feel the need to do it again. Or maybe I'm really dried out and waiting for something to shake me up, to turn my world upside down and to make me .. live inside my head again.

Much better these days. No particular reason, I guess I'm about to find an inner rythm and stick to it. Biggest problem now is the house, I might have to wait until December or something to really be able to purchase something I could call "home". This place I'm living in right now does not comply at all with my definition of "home". In the meanwhile, I dream about that, I buy magazines and fancy around those imagines, like in a day-dream. Perhaps this could be soon a reality. Time is still a problem, but I discovered that it's all about time-management really. I just have to be "in the mood":). And mood is so unpredictable and beyond control that I cannot help being under the weather sometimes.
Weeks go by too fast, it's the end of October and I am not quite aware of it. I have, from time to time, a strike of reality, but it easily dissovles into my daily routine. And that is web web web.. No wonder I let my blog die. I understood however that this was in me all the time, this web thing, starting with spending lots of time on various astrology sites or women online magazines.. to wanting to learn web desing for the chemistry magazine I was working for. Of course, this does not make me an expert, I never pretended I was one, but it gave me a fresh look into this business.
But enough about work.. time to relax and to read some blogs. :)

void

That's what I feel lately. Long talks with my boyfriend about our relationship. Void again. Corporate void this time. I think, just as I told him tonight, that my problems are not menial, are so serious that I don't even want to utter them, for this would mean they exist. It's enough that my own self warns me that I kinda dissolved my spirit, that my effervescence is now only empty bubbles, I don't want to make it official, to admit it. Coz I wouldn't know what to do next. Get a life would be the answer, yes, I know. But I still believe that there could be a balance between life at work and life outside work. Admitting the problem would only draw me back even more, making me unable to act, to react, to do what I am probably supposed to do: LIVE. Searching for that balance is even more troubling. I need to have people around me who, not on purpose, could take me out this vicious circle I've entered.
I need a home, this is what I am struggling for. I need friends to make me think of other things than work or problems. I cannot do it by myself. And this I knew from the very beggining, from the first day at work, and I promised to myself I won't become what I am about to become: work freak. I guess I have to be forced to have fun sometimes. Sad story and a sad perspective, I know. Any suggestions?