feel

Little by little I come to understand my life and its problems...the feeling of not belonging and of not being able to adjust (although people around me don't see it this way)... It's incredible how parents affect their children's lifes in such a subconscious and profound way that they don't even realize it. That's why I feel, unlike my woman-friends, that I wouldn't be ready for a kid right now.
But what I know is that I need to create new habits and new ways of approaching things for myself, impose them inside of me, because this means evolution...this is what I need for feeling better.
Weird thing...today i feel good, I feel confident and kind of happy, I feel stable and reasonable, it's been such a long time that I forgot how it is:)). And no, I'm not dissecting this feeling now, I'm just enjoying it.

frozen?

Yesterday I was trying to write something..... I was finally understating the idea of space in a couple, based, of course, on my previous experience. I remember how I turned, from an independent girl, to a control-controlled freak. And this happened only because I let C. invade my space and I invaded his. And I also remember that some time ago I regretted my hurry for intimacy, because I needed my space and I couldn't get it back... But right now this need for space was also a test...I thought that he could miss me, realize that I might mean something more than before. Well, "prognosis negative" to quote from Seinfeld.... That made me really sad. But I got to the conclusion that falling in love is not necessary for loving, that falling in love can be desastruous, but loving is not, that a relationship is not a struggle, a fight of who influences who or a process of adjusting to each other...by force and empowered by pheromons. Because sometimes it just happens to find somebody that doesn't require all those complicated actions. The routine calls for the torment, but it's vain. Hence, the frustration.
I just feel that I belong with him, that's all. And this, as far as I know, is pretty fucking rare. But I can't ask him to feel the same if he doesn't.
Can one fall in love after a while? Can one wake up one morning and discover that he/she is in love?
Relationships are like the lottery I think. Or like a box of chocolates. You never know what you gonna get.

too much Sex and the City

Apparently, this year started very good, in fact it was all that I wanted, something relaxed and not troubled.... It felt right, that's the word for it.... Step by step, the waters calm down and everything becomes clear.... The chaos that was my life last year transformed into something else. It feels like I've grown up, and now every day comes as a surprise, coz things happen to me and I don't really know how to react to some of them. Experiences from my adult life, things are shaping up now and maybe it's all thanks to this new relationship that is not like anything else I've experienced. Of course, now I'm being extreme on the other side: if years ago I used to treat my relationships emotionally, by impulses, without thinking of them at all, now I'm over-thinking them and it ruins the fun, the magic, everything else. Maybe it's a bad influence of this "Sex and the City" trend, very fashionable right now, to analyse in details the actions of the partner and your feelings as a response....but losing somehow the best of it. So, besides trying to find in me the resources to be a woman, exploring the possibilities of my inner self, I'm trying not to think too much... I never thought a 21st century woman could come to this conclusion, but here it is...

24th of December, Santa Claus, the phone guy and 2005

This is my last post of this year... I hope the next year will be much much better, cause this one has left me weakened and dried out, too much trouble and too many mistakes, too many people were hurt, and many lives have changed suddenly during this year... I really hate this kind of thinking, you know, conclusive and final. Maybe because my conclusions are not very satisfactory... Only these last days seem better, and I'd like to point out "seem", cause I wouldn't like to take the chance and say "is", it's too soon to be so sure that what's in my head is real :)). Anyway, it's promising, this, what's going on right now, not necessarely that I'm floating in a sea of joy, but I'm stable, that's what's important.... After all, I guess my inner equilibrium is regaining balance and I become me again... I wonder what I'll discover after that:)). But, as I said, these last few days were quite refreshing, so I have every reason to hope for better... Let's say...for an upgraded version of me.

I'm tired and very low mentally, I feel like this birthday of tomorrow is the worst day of this year, it was not enough that I've been through so many things meant only to destabilize me... now I have to face the fact that i'm also getting older and uglier, and lonelier.. I really hate myself right now. I hate myself for being so stupid sometimes, for not dealing with things when I was supposed to, for letting myself go, for being so dryed out right now... I mean it's not that I'm incapable to feel things, I do, but there's always something missing. God, i'm tired! I'm gonna sleep one of these days so deep that I won't get up until everything has gone away.....

f......g birthday week

at least I have no time get bored. Coz except for that I have everything. Got depressed today (I'm also very tired and I haven't slept for 2 days), I remembered my birthday is this week and I really hate it, cause I kinda feel old and you know... when I was ten I was sure that when I'll be 26 I'll be married with children... Well, it's not that I wanna get married, or I might but it takes two for that, but I feel like I must do something with myself, my life was not supposed to be like that, I should have been somebody who could make a difference. Hm I guess not, isn't it? And to make it even more difficult to endure, nobody is meeting me on my birthday, they are all home with their families... as I am supposed to be with mine, but I really can't stand those phonies more than 3 hours. So i'll be taking my brother and his girlfriend and go some place.... the very thought of it makes me feel like crying....
still, there is one thing, in fact one person that made these last few days easier. He knows many jokes, i love to laugh...Bingo! perfect match:)). But you know what's weird? we only met once, but we talk so much all day long that I feel I know him for ages.. and that's great.

invisible

I should do something about myself regarding my behaviour with guys..... I've been having this problem since highschool, gosh, such a long time... I'm too impatient to get what I like, I'm not mysterious nor play hard to get and this seems to mean something.. either that I am easy (which I am not!!!) or that I'm desperate (I'm not that either). So... this new guy... it started ok and I blew it because I grew attached over him, a stranger.. Well, i felt like we were friends, that's all. Of course, it's my problem, not his fault. But is there a cure for this? Except for turning invisible and hiding under the desk for being too embarassed for this situation.. Hmmm. I'll think about it.

don't you know that Rome wasn't built in a day

Let's say things haven't changed that much during the last few weeks. C. is still in Barcelona, M is still calling me every god-damn morning to ask me how I am... He came home few days ago to see me and I can feel that he is desperately hanging to this "relationship", he doesn't want to lose me, but he can't hold me since he left me.. He said he wanted to tell his parents about me. Oh come on!!! I thought, this summer I was unhappy he didn't do it, now I asked him not to. I don't wanna be official, I just want him to leave me alone, I want him to understand that we can be friends, but not lovers/a couple or something like that... I can't talk about all things that make my life, but I can write about things that are important, persons that I consider worthy of mentioning... and so is this guy.. Eh, you'll say that this is what my life was lacking: guys!!!! But it all started as a very pleasant Friday conversation and now... I kinda wanna see him, I feel some things about him... I mean I think I like him in a way (but I haven't met him yet, so it's kinda... I'll see after this weekend) and things are starting to be coloured and cheerful again. And I start wondering if that's what I need to be a little glad? Just a bit of attention from somebody I like? Maybe...

p.s. - OR MAYBE NOT... Perhaps all I need is someone to really care, difficult mission indeed, coz people who care about me, like M., don't get much out of me, and those I think I care about don't give me much.
p.p.s - I might get a haircut today, i'm sick of me like that. As a matter of fact, I'm sick of everything right now. Moods changed very quickly, I know...

I took a moment of thinking about a talk I had yesterday with him... and it seems to me that he accepted this whole situation and acts according to the given facts. I was sitting in my bed and trying to figure out if he really will end up being happy, he is happy right now, or he is not happy at all but cannot do anything about it. In fact, to be honest, I wanted to know his feelings for me. My friend told me it's no use of knowing this, this will hurt me even more... But it already does, so what's the difference? I need to know, good or bad, I hate uncertainty.
Nice things happen: people bzzz on YM, they are crazy, just like that, to buzz a person.

not happy

yes, it's true, it's no surprise anyway, considering the latest facts of my life.... and I don't think things will improve soon. But these are things that happen and I really can't make anything to change the situation. Maybe I'll decide eventually to write the novel I though of for some time now, not to make a difference in the literary world, but to tell everyone what's in me, to tell them the whole truth, beginning with my mother and finishing with you-know-who. In fact, on a second thought, I have nothing to tell him, nothing... He knows I love him (strangest thing is that this kind of love is so....free that i'm surprised of me, of my reactions, I could be able of many things that usually contradict the normal situation, if I knew it makes it easier for him), so I don't have anything else to confess or share with him. I mean I would have, but I can't....
Ahhhh, and this Christmas stuff, i really hate it, every christmas all i can think of is that I got older, one more year passed and I did nothing to make me feel that it didn't pass in vain. Hate this period....

serenity now.... insanity later

All day long I tried to convince myself to stay calm, not to panic, yes, tomorrow is a big and nasty day for him, yes, it doesn't concern me at all, this day, but still, because I care, because I cannot help thinking about it, I panic and it's no good for anyone, me included. So I kept repeating, over and over, "stay calm, it's ok, stay calm, don't panic", but now i just can't help it, I'm exploding, it's just not fair and I hate life for being so unfair sometimes!! i really don't know anything about his life from now on, what the future will bring. Maybe it's a lesson we should learn, maybe it's something we must go through, and maybe, just maybe, one day our time will come. and yes, love is like a nicer friendship (have I said that before? dunno).

vinegar and salt

Don't know if I should be happy or sad, really..... C. left yesterday, I was on the phone with him all day long (don't even think about the phone bill now), and after that calls started, some friends invinting me out, M. to ask me how I am, stuff like that, but most important of it all.... well, dunno how should I put this, but let's just say that I found out what I lost... The worst part of me losing someone who could have been important was not knowing it for sure. Well, yesterday I found out for sure, ufff, it was so good...... I was happy to discover that what I imagined is true, but not so happy knowing that it was for nothing, he's not mine.
So now, I really have no idea which is my mood. I'm happy and sad in the same time, the two are fighting inside of me, each with its arguments, nobody is winning this fight unfortunately. I'm really wondering what happens next, I get up in the morning and try to face all the surprises a day brings me. Some of them are not very pleasant. But at least now I know...

sleep

The purpose of my imediate life is sleep. I don't know if I'm tired, I'm more likely sick of everything and all seems to go away when I sleep or when I'm in bed and watch tv. Tomorrow we have a free day, it's the national holiday and it's great to have a free day in the middle of the week:)). This is why I feel so good today (except for getting my salary), I have a day of sleep and sweet laziness tomorrow....
something else makes me wonder... Yesterday C. came to my place to say good bye, he's leaving tomorrow morning. But I didn't cry... I think I don't realize it... Very sad though...

stability

That's the key word. That's what I need. That's what I've been missing for the last almost 2 years. And last night I finally decided I shoud stabilize for a little while at least. That's why I asked M. to move back in for good, I don't wanna see him move for a while somewhere else and to end-up eventually in the same place, that's my place. So he agreed and that's it. Coz I don't like being alone and my birthday is coming up soon. Coz even if I don't feel anything too intense now, and even if maybe I won't marry the guy, we both need each other right now. For different reasons, of course, but still, the interest is the same. Nevertheless, I can't help feeling guilty, like I betray C. and this is weird, he has someone else, he will leave soon (if he hasn't already), why should I feel guilty? Maybe it's because of his last text left on my computer, from Saturday night, he was happy, I was happy, why did we broke up? Sometimes I don't remember, some other times I feel it so present that i could break up with him again, just to make him feel the pain I felt.
Ohhh, and he suffered.... I know he did.
So... that's my decision. I might discover later that it was the worst move of my life. But now I see it like something temporary.

what the heeeeellllll?

well, cannot believe this, but it's true: C. is leaving to Barcelona after all, leaving me here, in the perfect chaos. His life is always a chaos, and this is why he is used to it, but me... that's a different story. And M. is coming back, oh God, i shouldn't feel this, this summer we were in love and now I can't stand the thought of him in the house... It's strange, but I can't actually tell him to move back in, even though I wanna help him, because I just can't. I thought of waiting for C. to leave and then.... I'll see.
This makes no sense. Yea, I know. so what?
And the one I love... he is in too much pain and unhappiness to be albe to talk about him right now. someday maybe..
And that's it for today.

the truth

I should tell now the truth about it all, although I really don't feel comfortable admitting that this way of life is actually my fault. Because it was me to let it happen, I was waaaay too indulgent with my ex boyfriend and everyone around me. So we broke up, of course i couldn't have done it without some extra help and so some other guy ... "happened". Well, and this guy was kinda married, kinda divorcing because of me, kinda going back to his wife for a while, not emotionally but physically (cause we made the mistake to move in together, and after that he was gone, leaving me all alone, I really wonder how I managed to pay the rent so far) and kinda wanting to come back now, when I threw him out of me.... On top of this, as I was wondering one Sunday afternoon "do I really love anyone, or I'm just dried out for a while?", I realized that I do love someone. And as you, readers, might expect, it's not my ex boyfriend (I see him Thursday to Sunday each week), nor my new one, it's someone else, who was there all the time, and now it's impossible for us to be together. I'm not saying I hit the jackpot with him, but now I don't even have the chance to see if it's true or not... And this leaves me a little bitter and sad. But hey, life's too short to be unhappy, isn't it?

As for the problem of the last post, well, actually I got discouraged to see how troubled I was (and I still am) during the past few months. I think I'm gonna be the happiest person on earth when this fucking year is done. But thanks for being there, you guys:)).... (that's no reference to male readers only :P )

weeellll

I made the mistake to read my previous posts, can't believe it, I am always complaining about something, and always mentioning my chaotic way of life (which, by the way, it's my fault:)), it's getting boring, huh?
I'll rethink the whole concept of this blog.... really. I hate being so fucking unstable and always complaining about it.

too close to Christmas

I like writting in different colours:)). Today I feel better, although, the perspective of another year passing by doesn't or shouldn't make me feel so good... One of my teachers once told me that nobody should be glad and party for their birthday, coz it's nothing to be glad for, getting older is not.... merry. Well, although my problems are getting more and more complicated (some are divorcing, others waiting for me to stabilize), I know that there are solutions for these problems and everything will be ok. Suddenly, I feel things will fall into their right places just like that. Uff, hope this mood will last longer than few hours:)).

oooh my God.....

i've been thinking a lot about different things that happened to me lately, it's not weird, it's just confusing and chaotic, this hurts me and the consequences of my actions will be seen a looooong time from now on. Unfortunately, I'm the most miserable of all, knid of think that it was my choice, why not be unhappy if it's possible...... And now i'm ok, but just sad. Not depressed, not crying, but sad. It'll go away, I'm sure.... Maybe once I will find someone...

hope next year is better

Well, to tell the truth, i honestly thought I will do much better by now, but it seems nothing is as I planned. I should mind, of course, but except for being verrrrrry nervous, I'm ok. If ok means with many problems but still being able to laugh at a good joke.
I spend my life thinking about these guys that matter and I really cannot tell which one is the one. Maybe none. Although.. I don't know... I'm so confused that I can hardly tell who I am... Juat wanted to let everyone know what's up with me.