yaaaaaaaawwwwwwwnnnnnn

there are exactly 21 days until my holiday. Which is a lot, but still not that much, I mean, 21 days, it's like a summer storm, they end quickly. I just hope I'll get a chance to rest this holiday, I am just extremely tired. And this could be an excuse for my lack of inspiration and the writing pause. There were moments when I would have wanted to write, to explain a feeling or a sensation, but they lasted so little time, and I got caught up in so many other things that finally when I wanted to write, I realized.....I had just lost it.
Now I don't have anything in mind. Just thinking about my life as it is at this moment...I cannot complain. I did worse, I have to admit. I think I can do better. But I just don't have the motivation or the strenght to get those wheels movin'. Maybe after the miracolous holiday I am wainting for so much, maybe after that I could consider doing things. And maybe writing fresh stuff.
(Refresh memory)
I haven't analyzed things for a very long time. I guess I unconsciously imposed it in my mind, because it seemed my over-analysis was harming my relationship. But I know why I did it, it was because I got somehow hurt and I had to "exorcise" it out of me by defragmenting it, deconstructing it, so that it won't have any value at all.
God, I hate to be stressed when I'm writing!!! Gotta go back to work:((, hate this stupid job.

summertime...

summer, finally. I've been waiting for it for some time, and now that it's here, I'm a bit deshoriented, not sure how to react...Perhaps my summers were so far included in some kind of pattern. The only element of that pattern left for this summer is the moving from one house to another (it seems it's a leit motive of my life for the past 7 years or so). But for the rest...not sure how this summer is gonna be.
The only strong feeling I have right now is for the sea.... Cannot explain this profound attachment with the sea, and I don't mean those luxurious resorts with hotels and all kinds of facilities, but the kind of sea one can feel in a village by the sea, or sleeping on the beach...that's the sea I'm day-dreamin' of these days. And it's deeply connected with the desire for a perfect holiday, when you forget what time it is or what day it is, you're just enjoying moments of the day without limiting them to time and connecting them to reality. That's the perfect holiday to me....not being in a rush, not HAVING TO do something, not going anywhere unless you want to.
I had this kind of feeling only once in my "adult" life but the taste of it remained so present that my soul is yearning for it now.
Or maybe I am just extremely tired :).

headache day

Pretty difficult day today. I admitt I'm overreacting to some things and I'm sorry for that, I don't mean that, I think I am just being unsecure about all things in my life, about me and the others and the world in general. And I also think that maybe I'm affraid of getting hurt and I'm disecting and analysing everything and every word has a nuance or a subtle second meaning....I am getting tired of myself. I'm getting tired of annoying everyone around by being so stubborn when I shouldn't or so sensitive when I'm not supposed to. I should be able to understand and treat others as I would like to be treated. But I remember doing that and not receiving the treatment I expected. I guess that's what made me bitter and not so sweet anymore.
This doesn't mean I should treat people, "innocent stand-byers", like hell, no sir...
This is why I decided I should leave my worries and troubles and minor inner conflicts to this blog, and chat more relaxed and free of any frustration or troubles whatsoever. Because it seems I am poisonning every conversation and it degenerates, invariably, in a stupid quarrel. And the thing is that I forget all about it as soon as I get out of the office and stop chatting. It's not the chat...it's my obsession with words and meanings that leads to this stupid situation and I hate it.
Somehow...I've gotta stop.
I also realized these days that one must have a trained eye for beauty in order to see it. Not every man appreciates La Gioconda, to uneducated or less educated or not-interested-in-art people, the smile of Mona Lisa is not mysterious and the whole painting in itself is not a genius' work, it's just a painting of an ungly woman of whom there are rumors it could have been a man. It's the same with people. One must know beauty in order to see it.

constant invasions of my privacy

Nothing new, just the story of my life. I’ve always suffered from people’s curiosity and from their sneaking into my privacy. So I guess it’s nothing new, just another depriving of something of my own. I admit that the problem was WHAT I wrote, not that I wrote. It generated bad feelings and pain…and lots of words, written and sa(i)d. I’m dizzy and my head spins right now, I can’t breathe easily… I realise that the past 2 years exhausted me in such a way that now I just can’t face problems as I should, I’m passive and weak, I need to run away from them instead of confrounting them. This passiveness comes also from too many shocks and another one was too much, it just hit me and caught me unprepared and I just could react at all.

It’s all so weird in the end. When I was 12 I had my frist diary. My grandma found it, read it and judged me for what I had been writing, asking me to burn it. So I did. After that I had a number of diaries that were read by my mother, my father, my brother, a friend, all without having my permission. Followed by intrusions into my intimacy by my boyfriends…the ones that mattered, in fact. And so, I come to judge my reaction: I was not angry that something was read without my permission, but that what I wrote caused trouble and pain…

And on top of everything, I feel I should go away, disappear for a while, because I’m harming everyone around me: my mother is unhappy because I’m difficult, stubborn and not close to her, my brother feels we don’t talk to much, my friends don’t know anything anymore about me, because I never talk or listen for that matter. And, of course, the worst is that I succesfully regressed in a relationship that was starting to evolve. This is what happens when I try to make everyone happy. I tried to please everybody in my life, not to make people sad or depressed, and I failed :((((. So..you can imagine my conclusions, my mood, my thoughts. Not happy. Not happy at all. What should I do about myself in this life? How am I supposed to be so that things like that shouldn’t happen anymore??

well, no matter how well things would go right now in my life...today, this very moment, I'm not feeling it. I feel bad, my belly hurts, I'm so nervous I could scream my lungs out, I hate my colleagues at work, they are stupid and narrow-minded, they are talking stupid things I don't care and quarrel over insignifiat matters of somebody else's life, they judge people and don't look in their own yard and above all expect me to be interested in their small-talk....gosh!!
Anyway, I suppose in a way they are harmless, I know there could be even more dangerous/mean/annoying people in other offices, so perhaps I should be grateful they are like that. Nevertheless, today I'm not into that peaceful mood when I think optimistically and don't mind stuff like that. Today I'm...selfish I think. Sometimes I feel the need to be selfish. To have everything my way and to get nervous if it isn't. Cause maybe I've been too much unselfish and I got bored...hell knows.
Eh, nevermind...Tomorrow will be a better day, I hope.

the root of all evil

...in my life is stress and psychic trouble. I don't show it and I have enough stamina to resist it for a long time. But evil starts showing its thorns little by liltte. I am irritable and nervous, I am not judging right, I am impulsive (and in a bad way), I talk back and I am always tired as hell, no matter how much sleep I get. But it's all like a circle of vices, one thing leads to another....I have to find a place to live with a smaller rent (that's because I can't buy a house, no way Jose), a rent I can afford, coz I realised that I've been going for too long with this stress every month. Or maybe to find a better-paid job. But I guess on Friday I had the first major failure of my life: I went to this interview, it was ok, I did ok, or at least that's what I thought, and they didn't call me.... I was 80% they'll hire me, I found the job perfect for me. Then I thought maybe I asked for too much money...this is also possible. It didn't depress me in a conscious way, but I think the bad influence of this failure is there somewhere and acts incognito in my mind....
I saw this movie...."Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind"....pretty weird, I liked it, I got the picture....and I didn't have to see that movie to know that even if you try to erase the conscient memory of a person from your mind, you could never erase the emotional memory, the tactile memory even. And no matter my memories, good or bad, they are mine, they are part of me and in them resides that past-Miruna I sometimes hate or like....but it's Miruna...
Well I guess the world didn't need my comment on this movie :)), I nevertheless delivered it, because it's my blog, I write whatever I want in here. Like in a vault. Not throw away the key yet:).

P.S. - Thank you for the positive considerations on my blog. It's not much and I decided not to write for the writing, but for the self, or better yet it's a writing with a catharsis function. So please don't criticise too much the style, just read between the lines.

felt like 1999

Two weeks ago, on a Sunday afternoon, waiting for a friend who was incredibly late, I had a very weird sensation of 1999. To me every year has a feeling, and of course, that year had a specific feeling, more like the ones that followed. I was near the University, on the edge of the fountain where I used to spend all the time I was loosing during my school days. That was like a "nexus of the universe" to me. And now...maybe because of that beautiful sunny day, a true spring day, or maybe because of the cigarette smoked with regular zips of cola, as I used to do back then, I really felt at one point that I was living one of my daydreams on the fountain, that it was time to move my ass to classes and when my friend finally arrived, I was looking at her as if she came from another planet, the words were avoiding me, she had to ask me three times if I was ok and where did I want to go from there.
Actually, this had happened to me before, but not so strong, the feeling, the voyage to the past was not so real as this one...I had a moment when I really felt that 6 years didn't pass just like that.....
Other than that, everything is ok, Easter just ended, today is the first day at work after a mini-holiday that I needed so. I got kinda depressed coz I miss my Dad these days more than ever....I think I miss the old traditional Easter with all the family, we had few days together.. Now my mother went to meet her sisters in their parents' house, my brother visited "the in-laws" and so I was left behind, or at least this is how I felt when I heard the Easter plans.... But it wasn't so bad as I thought, of course, as always, there was someone there who helped me get past these days, to even enjoy myself....to have a good time. And this is why I began to feel even better, just the thought that there is someone who thinks of how to make me feel better is already lighting up my day:)).
And I love the weather today, it's warm and sunny and I'm calm, I'm even a bit dreamy...I like this:).

Every time I begin writing, something wrong happens. And everytime I intend to write something comes up and I can't, and then, when I have all the time in the world to do it, I have nohing to say, just feel lobotomized and stupid and this makes me even more nervous.... Well, this mostly happens because I am tired very often, struggling with many things in the same time....sometimes I get lost in translation:). Just like yesterday when I was so tired I could barely think and keep my head up.... I slept 7 hours out of 48, and I also had to deal with my 8 years old pupils who are normally very funny but yesterday was more like a contest of "who is shouting louder" or "let's cheat on the test and see what happens, will she get mad?"... And after that, as I was walking home from the tram station, watching people, window shopping ( I saw a pair of cute shoes, I really like them), I suddenly realized that I hate going back to that lonely house... I like living there, I like the appartment, and I even like living alone sometimes, but yesterday I was feeling so weak and small in a world that moved so fast around me, that I just felt discouraged and alone... I needed someone to wait for me at home, I needed to get home and see the lights on, the TV turned on and somebody there....a warm house. That's what I needed. Instead I got home and a grey air floated there, my turtles were like dead, they didn't make a move...and that bed was so cold. And so I realized that living on your own is not all nice and funny as they say...sometimes you have to deal with moments like that.
And today is raining, a spring rain:). I noticed that everytime the season changes, there is a period of intensive rain...it's like preparing for the next season:). Well...as I said, I am weather dependent and this rainy atmosphere is very good for reading:). Oh, and yes, writing :).

april day

This spring is not like the last one at all..... That is not an entirely bad thing, maybe this spring, although not as "spectacular" in feelings as the last one, it's more stable (that's a key word, of course) and maybe more active. I'm doing stuff, solving problems that I left unsolved for a long time, I'm working on several levels so to speak....and that's very nice, I think. Of course, I couldn't do all that if it weren't for somebody to support and help me.... yesterday I felt quite surprised to see all that effort only for me, and that made me happy.
But....yes, there is a but....can't put my finger on it really well, it may have to do with spring mood and astenia, with a specific period I'm going through, it's just that all of a sudden I feel down, I feel there's no purpose in doing everything if I don't have that ...mood, that feeling, if I don't feel... desired, wanted. Something like that. I may be unfair right now, I mean what more could I ask, I am generally happy and I feel fine, I feel things are better and better, I am not entitled to complain I guess, and that's why I really have no idea why should I write about it, but it's a mood that won't go away. And that is all folks....I really cannot write in a normal way anymore....dunno why, maybe I should go on private. Iacs,....hate my mood.

my mistake

It suddenly struck me….my mistake, last summer’s mistake led me now to this impossible situation. In fact it’s not that impossible, I’m not living on the street or anything, but I’m on the edge of survival or at least this is how I’m feelin’ it right now, maybe I’m overreacting, but I’m having a state of panic and anxiety that I rarely, if ever, experienced in my life. I shoudn’t have left my brother’s house…that’s all. That’s a house that felt like home, like my old house, like my parent’s house in Deva, there were familiar things there and I worked for that place as if it were my own. I shoudn’t have left, that’s all. I rushed into a relationship with no chances of survival, I didn’t listen to people saying that M. is no good for me and it will only get me hurt, I was too eager to get over the trauma and the pain inside and I tried to kill all this by doing something foolish…. Well, now I know all that but there is nothing I can do, it’s all in the past, I only have to go through this anxiety, right now, this moment. Maybe it’s only today, maybe tomorrow morning when I wake up, it’ll all be just a bad dream. But I see that I got down too soon, too easy. With no fight at all.

It’s important, I think, to see everything from different points of view. Trying to…not today, I think today I’m entitled to be depressed.

C's birthday on Sunday... As I was "redecorating" (that means I rearranged all my books and wooden boxes and finally moved my bed in the bedroom, as it is normal), I was thinking about the appropriate time to call, cause I was thinkink he might have been partying and clubbing, and I was right and my timming was still bad, coz I woke him up and I know he hates that, it's irritating to him......but well, the conversation was very short and conventional, like I was just an acquaintance asking if everything is allright with him, if he is ok, what did he do the night before, well, bye then, thanks for calling.... That was about it. This is what's left after five years.... I'm not reproching it, I'm just noticing the strange nature and the weird development of human relationships. It's all so relative and shallow if you think about it...Well, beside all these "worries", I'm doing fine, that's if you were wondering:))). Yesterday I got nervous at one point coz I got hungry and walking pointless to find a stupid post office to get a stupid little package from somebody just as stupid as all of the above, and as I got home, my boyfriend was waiting in the car with pizza...I was in a hurry and irritated and behaved accordingly and then.....after few hours as I got into bed, I was thinking that this was one of his kindest gestures to me and all I did was to treat him bad...ufff...sometimes I am not empathetic at all...brrr...

word therapy

Just wanted to signal the good mood, nothing else. I feel good these days, not moody or anything, just me, calm and relaxed. I don't feel excited or enthousiastic, but this is nothing but an "extra option" of the "deluxe version" of my life. I think that this will come in time anyway.
But there are other things I'm thinking about, I really need to be more active about myself. Somebody told me once that all I really need is to find myself another job and to write. Well, as far as the writing is concerned...I'm doing it from time to time, not really satisfied with it, but doing is improving. The job....or anything connected to my carrier, it's like I'm stuck here, and though I see I'm going deeper every day, I do nothing, I just sit and wait for the perfect job to just pump up and come knocking on my door.
I can't imagine what would make me move already, maybe a very nasty athmosphere for a longer period of time, I guess.
I realized that I had begun writing for fun, but now this became a "safety valve" to me, it helps releasing the pressure in my head, clarifying my thoughts, depressurising me entirely. Now that I think about it, it's always been like this, since the 6th grade when I began writing a diary :))). Writing as a therapy, words instead of pills...killing the "mental viruses" by saying/pronouncing/expressing them.

words

Words are important to me, no question about that. I can feel people through their words, sentences, phrases. I can read between the lines and sense every intention, feeling, mood, state of mind, everyhting. My intuition works like charmed when it comes to words. So this is why I think I'm a bit out of reality and fail to appreciate facts. It is out of my scheme to dissect facts rather than words. And in the end, facts are the ones that matter, right? Still, I can't deny the importance of words, no matter my angle, my point of view.... but there are people who express themselves through their actions and sometimes maybe these actions/gestures/facts are so symbolic and meaningful that it would be a pitty not to see behind them.
How about words? What are their status in this case? Well, still trying to consider where the equilibrium should be, coz there must be an equilibrium here too... I'm just figuring it out these days :).

trapped

Now, i knew it would happen like this...don't you ever say something good about my writing, or anything bad, coz this will make me not write at all... I do have this problem, like I have nothing to write about, nothing to share, me of all people, me, the extrovertite, the sociable, the friendly, the talk-a-lot-about-all-stupid-things-in-this-world, me me me... I guess it has to do with my lack of trust, professionally that is, my lack of confidence in my powers or in my value (which is relative, I hardly see any value in my writing....but there are people with different views on this issue). It also has to do with a boring job and with my not-so-ambitious nature. I envy my colleagues who used these three years that have passed since graduation to become something.....me....I'm nobody, I feel like i achieved nothing and this was not my plan, seven years ago, when I left my pinkish bedroom from my parents' house. Ah, I know I wrote about it, but this ... issue, it comes up over and over, until I find a solution for it...
Well, but hey, it's the first day of spring....apparently, I should hope for more, shouldn't I?

spriiiing?

I feel spring coming today, dunno why, maybe it's just something in the air, maybe because it's warmer and raining instead of snowing as it was expected (though I heard some terrible news about snow coming....brrrr). I feel like I was asleep and now I opened my eyes and see real life...not a very nice view at times, but not as depressing as I thought . Step by step some things are getting into shape and now I confrount myself with another problem: several persons told me this blog is not as boring as I thought and that I write ok and now I became conscious of it and I am aware that now I should write something cool, something meaningful, something that people like, u know..SOMETHING....and so I'm afraid to write anything at all.
And I also noticed that I write well and that I have points of view especially when i'm mad or angry or in a bad mood, but not depressed. So, again, happy people are not interesting. See, nothing to complain about, nothing to dissect or to psychoanalyse, nothing to suffer from and friends to confort you.... But hell, I wouldn't want to be unhappy just to have subjects to write about!!!
Well, except that, i think a certain somebody deserves a big big HAPPY BIRTHDAY from me :)))). Today is a shinny day, the beginning of the weekend, it's that mood...you know...when you expect things and have that joyful disposition to make them happen....hopefully.

my life or something like it

Now I do have all the freedom in the world to finally do whatever I want....and I don't. I guess I'm stuck in the past, in my past habits and mental setups, I'm dealing with different people here and I can't ajust, I just judge them according to these setups. When i shoudn't judge anyone at all, when I should accept them for what they are... It's so difficult that I can't do it all alone. Coz I don't rationalize them all and in the end I'm the one crying, all because of me:((. I need patient understanding people around...but this kind of patience doesn't come out of the blue. Who's gonna be that patient as to understand me everytime I go crazy, everytime I'm sad or happy for no reason, everytime I am too sensitive about meaningless things that may mean a great deal to me? Who could be able to find me answers when I ask questions, who's gonna be able to love me for what i am not for what I might be?
I know, I know.....today i'm such a cry-baby, I hate myself for that really, but this is how I need to write it, to exorcize it out of me and to relax at last...
Yes, not in a perfect mood indeed, but I'm ok.
and yes, stable:).

age &stuff

I am 26. People expect me to act like 26. How is that? How am I to know how should I act? I am 26 now...I don't realize it and act accordingly and to tell you the truth I don't care. I got tired of fulfilling other people's expectations and forget about my own... It's true I define myself depending on others, but I DO have my own expectations of this life. I got a little bit sad remembering the day I got this job, my first day at work, how it all seemed bizzare and oldish and how I was swearing to myself that this would be only temporarely, untill I find something better. I got stuck here, I got used to them and to this atmosphere, but I didn't evolve, I kinda feel plain, like my brain only smoothened instead of getting more and more wrinkeled.
C. came back.... I was surprised to see him, I was curious to hear his stories, but nothing is like it used to be, I cannot pretend last year never happened, I don't want that. I just need my life to be as it is now, like it was last night ( I think it was one of those perfect evenings when nothing seems artificial, forced, blurry, everything was just...perfect), like it appears to become or evolve. I'm turning into something else, I know, I'm changing and I feel it, and yes, this is el fin de una epoca, so it makes no sense of hanging on to the past. So that was it.
But last night was perfect, as I said. And I say that for one reason in particular: this was one of those days when I was craving for tender touch and a bit of desire and passion and that was what I got, expectations fulfilled:)). I went to sleep happy and woke up smiling, that's what I call a good mood.
Happy people are not interesting at all, I have the feeling, while writing this post, that I only write facts, not feelings, like robots, it's like once you're well, the mind is too relaxed to make connections, to think, to be interested in stuff .... or maybe it's just too busy living every second of it since it's so rare and lasts so little.

Moody again.....of course it's the PMS, what else?!! And also, the small talk in the office, the problem of searching for a new job that'll fit me (but I actually don't know what fits me), my own complexes of stupidity, lack of ambition and self confidence.... And the worst is that whenever I mention this to people, they don't try to get me out of my gloomy mood, they would just leave alone to recover myself. I admit I am mean and not easy to deal with right now, but since people i talk to very often are supposed to be my friends and to care about me... they should think of how to get me out, not to just keep the distance, and wait for me to say "hey, I'm ok right now, I'm back, just as funny and caring for others as always"!!! I think I should be more selfish...although this is not me, selfish...cannot picture myself like that....
Enfin. On verra...it'll just pass away. Still...nevermind.

feel

Little by little I come to understand my life and its problems...the feeling of not belonging and of not being able to adjust (although people around me don't see it this way)... It's incredible how parents affect their children's lifes in such a subconscious and profound way that they don't even realize it. That's why I feel, unlike my woman-friends, that I wouldn't be ready for a kid right now.
But what I know is that I need to create new habits and new ways of approaching things for myself, impose them inside of me, because this means evolution...this is what I need for feeling better.
Weird thing...today i feel good, I feel confident and kind of happy, I feel stable and reasonable, it's been such a long time that I forgot how it is:)). And no, I'm not dissecting this feeling now, I'm just enjoying it.

frozen?

Yesterday I was trying to write something..... I was finally understating the idea of space in a couple, based, of course, on my previous experience. I remember how I turned, from an independent girl, to a control-controlled freak. And this happened only because I let C. invade my space and I invaded his. And I also remember that some time ago I regretted my hurry for intimacy, because I needed my space and I couldn't get it back... But right now this need for space was also a test...I thought that he could miss me, realize that I might mean something more than before. Well, "prognosis negative" to quote from Seinfeld.... That made me really sad. But I got to the conclusion that falling in love is not necessary for loving, that falling in love can be desastruous, but loving is not, that a relationship is not a struggle, a fight of who influences who or a process of adjusting to each other...by force and empowered by pheromons. Because sometimes it just happens to find somebody that doesn't require all those complicated actions. The routine calls for the torment, but it's vain. Hence, the frustration.
I just feel that I belong with him, that's all. And this, as far as I know, is pretty fucking rare. But I can't ask him to feel the same if he doesn't.
Can one fall in love after a while? Can one wake up one morning and discover that he/she is in love?
Relationships are like the lottery I think. Or like a box of chocolates. You never know what you gonna get.