Mika is feeling much better today, she's done with the antibiotic shots also, and I am surprised to see how well she behaves, I was scared she won't stay in one place, she'll jump and move all the time, not protecting her belly. But no, she's ok, she hardly notices any of the toys, which is good for now, but I hope she won't be like that all the time.
I decided to go after all to that party my friend is having. I will, most likely, get a little bored, but I really don't want to anticipate anything right now, maybe everything will go well and I won't have to complain:).
I am pretty sleepy and lazy these days, I think this is my idea of "rest".. I don't need to do anything very quickly and even if I did, I wouldn't do it, that's for sure. I am just like Mika. And inside I am peaceful right now, really serene and looking forward for the new year. It's no time for looking back an summing up right now, but all I wanna say is that this year was pretty good, I worked a lot, I was even exhausted at times, I didn't feel the months go by, but I can't say it was bad...oh no. Thus I feel no restraints in awaiting the next year. Hope it'll turn out better than 2005.

PS - I was reading my posts of December 2004. Turns out my writing was much better when unhappy or sad or depressed or unstable. But I would much rather be serene and peaceful and to write common blogs than unhappy and a good writer. At least right now this is the feeling. I might change my oppinion soon:).

3 days away

Tough day today. Not only because of Mika's operation (poor thing, she is having a hard time recovering from that thing and only now, at 10 p.m. she is fully awake and crying because of the pain), it was difficult for her and for me as well, I tried to stay at home all day to keep an eye on her. And of course I couldn't just stay at home. So I did the laundry, defreeze the fridge (I'm sure in the USA you don't defreeze the fridge, am I right?), tried to keep the house less messy than the usual...stuff. But it did me good and I feel ok right now.
Big surprise, one of the friends called, but not with the purpose of saying "Happy birthday" but to ask me of my New Year's Night plans (I had to spend it with her and some other persons)...this was even worse, coz I would have been ok if she had said "look, I'm sorry, I forgot, but anyway, happy birthday". but she didn't and now I really dunno what to do, go to her party or not. Thing is I have no other options for that night and I really don't wanna spend it quietly. So maybe I'll go, not forgetting to let her know what I feel.
Or not...
Anyway, I'm going to look fot my cat now, so if you'll excuse me....night night!

Birthday reminder, Mika's operation

Well, tomorrow is a big day for my cat, Mika, I'll take her to the doctor's to be sterilized (I hope this is the right word). I've been thinking about this a lot, I mean I am sorry for her that she has to go through something like this, but sincerely, it was the best solution for both of us, since I don't plan on letting her have kittens and since this "heat" period is pretty awful.. It seemd that she was in pain and she really didn't know what happened to her. I just hope she'll be ok.
As for the life in Romania, Greg, it's difficult for me to talk about it, because I am inside it... all I can say is that it's really different from life in the USA, from what I've heard. But after all everything is relative, I'm sure, so maybe you'll be able to tell the differences from my writing, which is damn difficult to do, since all you hear is me, me, me. My life, my problems, my thoughts.
I'm glad I have a few days off from work, just about enough to rest and put my desordered life in order, to catch up with my reading and with people I haven't had time to see before.
I was sad that two of my best friends forgot about my birthday...and three days passed since my birthday. I figure that your friend's birthday is not something to be forgotten, or if it does happen, there's always the next day, the day after that...Well, no sign of them yet, so I dunno how to react right now. Perhaps it'll all solve out sooner or later, it's just that I didn't expected it, not from them, that's all.

christmas blog

Now this is completely unusual for me.. to write on Christmas day, but since tomorrow I'll be working, I am home now. And I must say that this day was pretty ok, peaceful, quiet, just like I wanted it, with my family:). Today I took the dog out for the first time, and she was shivering like hell during the first minutes and then she got used to it. I think she'll like it after all.
Well, I just wanted to wish everyone Merry Christmas:).

latest news

NEWS...this is the key word of my life right now. Everything goes around this main subject. If you must now, I am about to become one of the most informed people of my acquaintances:) because this is what I do all day long: I hunt news. Of all kinds: breaking news, latest news, morning/evening news...everything. And I like it. Although at times I feel a bit overcome by the situation, especially during those days when many things happen and I must choose...in fact this is the most difficult thing so far, to be able to choose the most important news. At first everything was important. But I started little by little to "feel" their importance and I really hope I will be able soon to discern quickly...
This year my birthday and all Christmas fuss doesn't seem so gloomy anymore...it's been quite a year and many things have changed (I changed the appartment twice, I changed my job, I have a cat and a almost a dog), and I feel I am more confident right now. Still a bit dizzy, but more confindent in myself. And this is one hell of an accomplishment. I am glad my brother is coming home for the holidays. I like it when I see my mother smiling all the time (it's because of the dog, of course)... I hope every one will be ok at least on my birthday (which is on Saturday, can't believe it). An really...after all will settle down, I think I'll be able to write more often..

sincerely bad mood

So it seems now that everyone found out about my intentions to leave my job for another. And I spent quite a few hours thinking of how to break the news to the ladies in my office. And this because I felt like betraying them, I felt like I was leaving them like an unfaithful protegee, ungrateful of the life I had for four years. Looking back, I should be grateful to them, they helped me so many times that I can't remember, although of course, living together was not always easy. But all in all, they spoiled me like their own child and I felt somehow protected. But this had nothing to do with my carrier or my hopes in this life. I was not born, nor educated to remain a philology garduate working for an obscure chemistry magazine. It's not that I want fame or glory, I don't want to be a star or anything, but I want to feel motivated, to feel that I work for something and to see the results. I want to be in the middle of events, I want to feel that I LIVE, not that my brain is washed up by a strange chemistry formula I don't even know how to pronounce.
So I spit it out, the piece of news, and they reacted ok, they were not happy, a little bit sad, but ok. My boss, instead, got mad. I didn't even had the chance to tell him personally about it, but someone else did it for me, and so he was angry I didn't tell him face to face. I would have, had he been available. Now this bothers me so much that I can't help thinking about it all the time. I don't want to leave with a bad feeling. I'm just a bad break-upper I guess.
Well, I'm going to do the laundry now..

I have internet at home now. So what? I am coming home late with no desire of spending even more time in front of the computer than I already do. I was hoping I woudn't be so tired every day and allow myself to feel things, to have sensations and instincts, but they seem all dead. So, there's nothing left for me to do here..or maybe just to watch different net-jokes coming from my "busy" friends, all kinds of small films and power-point pictures. They look nice, sometimes they're funny, and that's it! Hours go by like minutes waiting for them to download... My cat will need a shrink for sure, she's too lonely, dunno if she can make friends with the turtles, I don't think so.
But the wind of change is blowing now, my friends, as I am about to succeed in changing the one thing I am complaining since the begining of this blog: my job. I spent this day there, at the new place, and it was...refreshing and alive and dynamic. And perhaps this comes just in time to save me from becoming old before my age and on the inside, and being cozy and spoiled is not good at all to a certain extent. So maybe, just maybe, I will be back with more Miruna-wit:) if I may say so.
I was quoted some paragraphs of my blog the other day and all I can say it's that I really couldn't believe I wrote those things. Or did I change so much that now I have to find something else? We'll see. I'm just looking forward for the future, wherever it may be:). Good night.

It's pretty late and I am pretty tired, this week started in force, so to speak, I was happy about this internet connection at home, but of course, those guys showed up at 8 instead of 5 and I hate when people are late. And then lots of things to do and I am running like crazy, trying to share my time for everything, but it was almost like too much noise for nothing: I run too much for such small things. My reward is a weekend at the mountains, I really needed it, hope I will come back with a different state of mind. Other than that, things are close to shaping up around here, the only thing I hate is the weather, it's freezing and only today I had the time to get my coat to the dry-cleaner's, in the meantime I try not to stay too much outside. It's getting dark at 5 p.m. here and this makes me sleepy...eh, winter. Tomorrow I will be 26 and 11 months, I'm getting close to 27, Gosh, I don't feel like my age at all. 27 sounds responsible and mature and wanting a family, instead I feel like 23 or so, barely waking up to reality:)). Or something. I'm going to bed now, sleepy.... Babay.

at last

It's 22:53 now as I'm writing, you can imagine that I'm pretty tired and sleepy but very glad that at last I HAVE INTERNET AT HOME. Of course, for most people, this is not much of an accomplishment, but to me it's important, I can browse now freely, without my boss or anyone else looking over my shoulder to see what I'm writing or where I browse. It's so important because I wanted it for a long time now and it's almost unreal that I can chat with friends or see jokes without being stressed or anything. And most important of it all, I can write:). So that's all for tonight, I'll be back tomorrow!

hi again

It's been like...a month or so, Goooosh, I'm beginning to get lazy in writing. I don't really mean that, but it seems that whenever I have something interesting to say, I am on my way to work in morning, on my way home, in the evening, on my way to my lessons, in different parts of this crowded and sometimes spooky city. So the idea gets lost in the crowded place that is my head, just as crowded as this city or as this life of mine. I'll soon be 27 and I am not complaining anymore. I feel young and somehow strong, I feel I've overcome so many things in my life that I can easily deal with the rest of them. The only thing that's bothering me is that my friends are getting married and having kids, it seems this year was really rich in that: weddings and baptisms. It's weird, instead of going to a club, we're going to a wedding party. Not that it's not that funny, but...this means we're growing up and stuff. Except that, my family increased with one member, the puppy Mooky, a mixture of teckel and caniche, very much looking like her caniche father. She is 6 weeks old and my mother adores her:). But my cat doesn't:(.
I really have a Zoo at my place: 2 turtles, a cat and if I bring Mooky for the weekend...imagine that:)). And this in one room, in my brother's studio, lucky me he's in Florence now.
Well, my point today was that I got excited on the idea of having internet at home...and I thought I could write better on this blog if I have a quiet moment to think about things. Here, in the office, it's too noisy and I have too many things to deal with at once to be able to think of a new post. So I really hope that the next time I will write will be from home:).
Until then:), that was it for me today...bye everyone!

@work

It's been a long time, I know, but I didn't have anything to say or anything interesting to say. These days I feel quite bad again, like everyhting is wrong and I have no clue where I'm going. I have dillemas concerning my life and my purpose in life. Or I have to just to live and see where it's taking me? People around me are getting married and are having kids, they look like they can manage with this situation, although they are my age. I really don't feel like it, I mean I would like to have kids at some point, but not now, I feel I still have to live a different kind of life, I am still too imature and too little to be able to raise kids of my own:(. And I am not self-confident at all, and I feel I must be strong in order to have a kid. Of course, I feel bad because my personal life is not very well right now, I don't know exactly why, but I have the sense that something is not well, or at least that's what I felt yesterday. Today....let's say I am ok, so far. But this can be a premonition for some big changes (again!!!) or it can be just a phase. We'll see.

party tonight - part II

Well, this year's party was no so funny as the last one, I mean I think I got used to the people around me and I didn't find them so funny anymore. But I danced, which was quite a premiere this year, coz at these parties we never dance, we just watch and gossip, hihihi:)). I felt ok, like these people are my family, I am with them for 4 years and I know their stories, their lives, their moods, they know me and now I feel bad leaving them, as much as I would want that. Dunno what's gonna be, but this morning's mood is emotional and I don't feel like doing any changes in my life right now. I've had it with changes for a while, but I can feel that something's gonna happen, and it's not gonna be an easy one...

I felt like writing today, which is good because I rarely feel like writing lately, don't ask me why. I had quite a vacation, one month, I travelled, I rested, it was ok. But now I'm back to work and I feel tired again, and I think it's the job and the routine, not the fact that I am really tired, this would be impossible after one-month holiday. And I feel like I'm little by little losing myself, and I don't want to spend my life earning money and spending them. this is not the purpose of my life at all. I had a dream... I used to have a dream about my future. I even had a plan. It didn't turn out as I wanted at all, but now I kinda lost it on the way and here I am, a young woman in her 20s, very close to her 30s (although I don't feel like my age at all) not knowing where to go. I feel like I have my life in my hands, I have no obstacle that should keep me from what I want to do, but still, I do nothing because I have no idea what I want. And this is the worst thing ever because this is not a quest for myself, I am not trying out different things to see if they suit me, I only think of them and suppose they just don't. Because I don't feel like it.
All I know is that I don't want to become an office girl, all dressed up, thinking only of clothes, make-up or other shallow subjects like that. I'm not saying I should be bothered only by fundamental things in life either...but still. Trouble is that here, a high salary involves this kind of office-like character. And little by little I will be losing myself and I everything I am right now. I like myself as I am now. But I had enough struggling to make it each month. However, this will not be the case for a while at least since I will be moving to my brother's studio with no rent whatsoever:) and that's the good news.
Other than that, I hope this writing mood is long-lasting:).

one-year dillema

It's been one hell of a year. An year to remember I guess, because things have never been so fluctuating in my life before. But now I think I'm getting better, although the changes, and I mean basic changes in my life, haven't stopped. I still need a better-paid job, a different house or a house of my own..things like that. But all I want in this world is not to lose myself...not to become something I now hate, not to do things I consider despicable right now....I don't want to forget about me in this speedy and material modern life. And I say this because money have become a hell of an issue lately. Maybe because of their scarce presence in my life, or maybe because I am surrounded by people who consider always a material interest in everything. Or so it seems...
I have no conclusion now....my blog is my relief, my escape sometimes, my confident, my shrink, my diary, my box of hidden thoughts... I write for myself and my writting reflects my mood, my state of spirit and my feelings. Dunno how it looks from the outside, I only know the inside :)...ranging from a white-pinkish atmosphere, to a blue-black one sometimes.
Right now I've come to the conclusion that I'll never marry. It's no purpose in doing that, as a girl, it has no meaning to be queen for a night, and depressed afterwards, when your new husband will be desiring every woman in the world but you, and will feel confined in a marriage he realizes he didn't want, that came too soon with too much responsibility. And I'm saying that because I actually know it happens... Not a very nice or pink perspective. And of course, there are cases that may counterdict my opinion. If so, I'm glad. However, I am currently feeling that marriage has no point whatsoever.
Other than that, my cat is very funny, but she managed to almost break one of her front arms last night, I ran quickly to the doctor with her, she is now ok:). But she cried like a baby last night, I felt so sorry for her.
And that would be all, folks!!!

It's been a long long time....I am so tired I can hardly think reasonably, I work like a robot in the heat, and I really don't feel it's summer. It's sad that I'm loosing that sense o f holiday I used to have when I was in school, even at the university. Now, the vacation month seems so short that I can barely make some plans for it.
I've been to a wedding two weeks ago, it was the perfect occasion for me to get dressed up and to wear make-up, and to be, you know, like my mother would like me to be, like a "lady". I t was not such a bad thing, but being a lady is very fatiguant, and too complicated for my simplist nature. I mean I know this about me, I like only one kind of sophisticated things, the simple-sophisticated things ( I know it's too much for you to understand, so you may skip this part :) ). Anyway, it was fun and I've got nice pictures to prove it.
And...I've got a cat. I had turtles, now I have a cat. It's a lovely little cat, very thin but very playful, I've got it only for several days and it's very funny, I am talking to her and she seems to understand me, we are even playing:), it's nice. So these are the latest news in the laimest style possible. I can't be insipred now....I am pretty dried out of everything, need to recharge for a while.

yaaaaaaaawwwwwwwnnnnnn

there are exactly 21 days until my holiday. Which is a lot, but still not that much, I mean, 21 days, it's like a summer storm, they end quickly. I just hope I'll get a chance to rest this holiday, I am just extremely tired. And this could be an excuse for my lack of inspiration and the writing pause. There were moments when I would have wanted to write, to explain a feeling or a sensation, but they lasted so little time, and I got caught up in so many other things that finally when I wanted to write, I realized.....I had just lost it.
Now I don't have anything in mind. Just thinking about my life as it is at this moment...I cannot complain. I did worse, I have to admit. I think I can do better. But I just don't have the motivation or the strenght to get those wheels movin'. Maybe after the miracolous holiday I am wainting for so much, maybe after that I could consider doing things. And maybe writing fresh stuff.
(Refresh memory)
I haven't analyzed things for a very long time. I guess I unconsciously imposed it in my mind, because it seemed my over-analysis was harming my relationship. But I know why I did it, it was because I got somehow hurt and I had to "exorcise" it out of me by defragmenting it, deconstructing it, so that it won't have any value at all.
God, I hate to be stressed when I'm writing!!! Gotta go back to work:((, hate this stupid job.

summertime...

summer, finally. I've been waiting for it for some time, and now that it's here, I'm a bit deshoriented, not sure how to react...Perhaps my summers were so far included in some kind of pattern. The only element of that pattern left for this summer is the moving from one house to another (it seems it's a leit motive of my life for the past 7 years or so). But for the rest...not sure how this summer is gonna be.
The only strong feeling I have right now is for the sea.... Cannot explain this profound attachment with the sea, and I don't mean those luxurious resorts with hotels and all kinds of facilities, but the kind of sea one can feel in a village by the sea, or sleeping on the beach...that's the sea I'm day-dreamin' of these days. And it's deeply connected with the desire for a perfect holiday, when you forget what time it is or what day it is, you're just enjoying moments of the day without limiting them to time and connecting them to reality. That's the perfect holiday to me....not being in a rush, not HAVING TO do something, not going anywhere unless you want to.
I had this kind of feeling only once in my "adult" life but the taste of it remained so present that my soul is yearning for it now.
Or maybe I am just extremely tired :).

headache day

Pretty difficult day today. I admitt I'm overreacting to some things and I'm sorry for that, I don't mean that, I think I am just being unsecure about all things in my life, about me and the others and the world in general. And I also think that maybe I'm affraid of getting hurt and I'm disecting and analysing everything and every word has a nuance or a subtle second meaning....I am getting tired of myself. I'm getting tired of annoying everyone around by being so stubborn when I shouldn't or so sensitive when I'm not supposed to. I should be able to understand and treat others as I would like to be treated. But I remember doing that and not receiving the treatment I expected. I guess that's what made me bitter and not so sweet anymore.
This doesn't mean I should treat people, "innocent stand-byers", like hell, no sir...
This is why I decided I should leave my worries and troubles and minor inner conflicts to this blog, and chat more relaxed and free of any frustration or troubles whatsoever. Because it seems I am poisonning every conversation and it degenerates, invariably, in a stupid quarrel. And the thing is that I forget all about it as soon as I get out of the office and stop chatting. It's not the chat...it's my obsession with words and meanings that leads to this stupid situation and I hate it.
Somehow...I've gotta stop.
I also realized these days that one must have a trained eye for beauty in order to see it. Not every man appreciates La Gioconda, to uneducated or less educated or not-interested-in-art people, the smile of Mona Lisa is not mysterious and the whole painting in itself is not a genius' work, it's just a painting of an ungly woman of whom there are rumors it could have been a man. It's the same with people. One must know beauty in order to see it.

constant invasions of my privacy

Nothing new, just the story of my life. I’ve always suffered from people’s curiosity and from their sneaking into my privacy. So I guess it’s nothing new, just another depriving of something of my own. I admit that the problem was WHAT I wrote, not that I wrote. It generated bad feelings and pain…and lots of words, written and sa(i)d. I’m dizzy and my head spins right now, I can’t breathe easily… I realise that the past 2 years exhausted me in such a way that now I just can’t face problems as I should, I’m passive and weak, I need to run away from them instead of confrounting them. This passiveness comes also from too many shocks and another one was too much, it just hit me and caught me unprepared and I just could react at all.

It’s all so weird in the end. When I was 12 I had my frist diary. My grandma found it, read it and judged me for what I had been writing, asking me to burn it. So I did. After that I had a number of diaries that were read by my mother, my father, my brother, a friend, all without having my permission. Followed by intrusions into my intimacy by my boyfriends…the ones that mattered, in fact. And so, I come to judge my reaction: I was not angry that something was read without my permission, but that what I wrote caused trouble and pain…

And on top of everything, I feel I should go away, disappear for a while, because I’m harming everyone around me: my mother is unhappy because I’m difficult, stubborn and not close to her, my brother feels we don’t talk to much, my friends don’t know anything anymore about me, because I never talk or listen for that matter. And, of course, the worst is that I succesfully regressed in a relationship that was starting to evolve. This is what happens when I try to make everyone happy. I tried to please everybody in my life, not to make people sad or depressed, and I failed :((((. So..you can imagine my conclusions, my mood, my thoughts. Not happy. Not happy at all. What should I do about myself in this life? How am I supposed to be so that things like that shouldn’t happen anymore??

well, no matter how well things would go right now in my life...today, this very moment, I'm not feeling it. I feel bad, my belly hurts, I'm so nervous I could scream my lungs out, I hate my colleagues at work, they are stupid and narrow-minded, they are talking stupid things I don't care and quarrel over insignifiat matters of somebody else's life, they judge people and don't look in their own yard and above all expect me to be interested in their small-talk....gosh!!
Anyway, I suppose in a way they are harmless, I know there could be even more dangerous/mean/annoying people in other offices, so perhaps I should be grateful they are like that. Nevertheless, today I'm not into that peaceful mood when I think optimistically and don't mind stuff like that. Today I'm...selfish I think. Sometimes I feel the need to be selfish. To have everything my way and to get nervous if it isn't. Cause maybe I've been too much unselfish and I got bored...hell knows.
Eh, nevermind...Tomorrow will be a better day, I hope.