Today I am such a crybaby

Emotional week. The peak was Saint Nicholas night when I had a dream. I was hugging my dad, he was so thin I could feel only his bones through the jeans jacket he was wearing. He told me "I'm sorry I cannot be with you now, at the begining of your road". I started to cry and so I woke up. All day I felt like crying. My brother got engaged on that day. I was thinking of how proud my dad woul have been of his son. In the evening I took my mother to a tribute-to-Abba concert. It was very funny for me, but mom was happy. Again felt like crying imagining myself at her age :(.
And today... because I think I'll spend the day all alone, I suddenly had the 2001 feeling. A song caused this sensation, but it didn't stop, it was like I "engaged" myself back into the past... had a pure feeling of a similar moment of 5 years ago. (I still cannot feel 2001 as being so far away in time...5 years mean a lot...but to me they feel like 2 at most). And so I got sad, it's a profound feeling of falling into my self, moments like this allow me a clear perspective of my own life...make me aware of feelings and moods and sensations I thought I had already forgotten. I can't explain it...it's like I'm taking a journey into me, into my mind and into my past..and live moments all over again. And when I wake up and realize I'll soon be 28 and we're not in 2001 anymore...that's when I get sad. I feel like I lost important moments of my life because I was blinded and irrational, I feel like I could have done things better or different, I regret I never said words I should have said.
Finally, I hope next week will be just different. I felt like writting, hoping I could take the weight off my chest, that's all.

Hell, it's been a long time I've been here. I guess my taste for writting a blog or more like the lack of it relates to my job. I am "surrounded" by dozens of blogs (mostly work, that's true) and they kinda...turn me off.
And there's this other thing: it's like I've created a huge complex in my mind that everything I would consider writing about is boring and maybe not worth mentioning (which I think is true, since there are very few people interested in how I feel/think and they don't have to read the blog in order to find out latest news about me). So...why keep blogging? I mean... this isn't working anymore. Writing isn't good anymore... it's not taking out the devils inside my head, my psychic burdens are almost inexistent right now or so I make them be.... Therefore I might consider ending this blog...or maybe closing it for a certain period of time...until I feel the need to do it again. Or maybe I'm really dried out and waiting for something to shake me up, to turn my world upside down and to make me .. live inside my head again.

Much better these days. No particular reason, I guess I'm about to find an inner rythm and stick to it. Biggest problem now is the house, I might have to wait until December or something to really be able to purchase something I could call "home". This place I'm living in right now does not comply at all with my definition of "home". In the meanwhile, I dream about that, I buy magazines and fancy around those imagines, like in a day-dream. Perhaps this could be soon a reality. Time is still a problem, but I discovered that it's all about time-management really. I just have to be "in the mood":). And mood is so unpredictable and beyond control that I cannot help being under the weather sometimes.
Weeks go by too fast, it's the end of October and I am not quite aware of it. I have, from time to time, a strike of reality, but it easily dissovles into my daily routine. And that is web web web.. No wonder I let my blog die. I understood however that this was in me all the time, this web thing, starting with spending lots of time on various astrology sites or women online magazines.. to wanting to learn web desing for the chemistry magazine I was working for. Of course, this does not make me an expert, I never pretended I was one, but it gave me a fresh look into this business.
But enough about work.. time to relax and to read some blogs. :)

void

That's what I feel lately. Long talks with my boyfriend about our relationship. Void again. Corporate void this time. I think, just as I told him tonight, that my problems are not menial, are so serious that I don't even want to utter them, for this would mean they exist. It's enough that my own self warns me that I kinda dissolved my spirit, that my effervescence is now only empty bubbles, I don't want to make it official, to admit it. Coz I wouldn't know what to do next. Get a life would be the answer, yes, I know. But I still believe that there could be a balance between life at work and life outside work. Admitting the problem would only draw me back even more, making me unable to act, to react, to do what I am probably supposed to do: LIVE. Searching for that balance is even more troubling. I need to have people around me who, not on purpose, could take me out this vicious circle I've entered.
I need a home, this is what I am struggling for. I need friends to make me think of other things than work or problems. I cannot do it by myself. And this I knew from the very beggining, from the first day at work, and I promised to myself I won't become what I am about to become: work freak. I guess I have to be forced to have fun sometimes. Sad story and a sad perspective, I know. Any suggestions?

blogs

It's very cold outside these days, but I kinda felt relieved that summer passed away, I didn't use it the way normal people do, I didn't go anywhere, I didn't have a proper vacation, I indeed feel frustrated about it, but hey, this isn't such a big deal after all, you know...
I've been reading some stuff about blogs, more about on the blog-phenomenon that's conquering Romania nowadays, and I must say my blog is not at all interactive or anything...I started well I guess, but I kinda lost interest on the way and it became just a webpage. It would have had more importance had I granted it some, but I rarely feel interested in much lately as I mentioned before..so I guess it lost the "human" touch. It became dull and grey, just like today and just like me these days. Still I find it interesting how blogs have a life of their own. I know somebody who has a common blog with some friends, it's more like a forum or a chat room, and they seem write about stuff, about things they are affected by, about facts, their oppinions..it's interactive all right and represents their common world. My world is about me alone, with my thoughts and my lack of interest, friends, vacation, carrier stability, anything. I started reading again though, which is good, I have to add this guy, Tom Sharpe, on my writers list. Although to some he's an old chap, to me he is brand new and I like that:).
uff, and that's about it for today. I have this obsessive thought about never having a driving licence in my life and I somehow must deal with it, but haven't found the solution yet. And it's getting really cold around here..brr

existing

After a week or so at the new job, I'm just beeing....cautious. Maybe I became over-prudent, I lack trust in people and I prefer just watching them for a while. Just to be sure (as if anyone can ever be 100% sure!) they're people I can rely on. Except for that, everything is ok, I guess. The new house is just big and cold, could never call this place "home" and I keep wondering when will I have a place of my own. I've been longing for it for so long that now I became a little skeptical about it. I used to picture it into my mind as I tried to fall asleep, I made various scenarios of what my house would look like. Now it's gone.. this was an over-used dream.
As a matter of fact I discovered I don't need anything anymore. I used to like things, I used to want stuff, like clothes or books, but now it's all gone. I don't even care what I eat as long as I am not hungry. How do I go back to beeing me? I feel like I lost interest in everything, and I generally am impartial, neutral, polite but cold, sometimes pretending I care, sometimes faking interest. Is that the new way of living? Is that the life style of my generation? I cannot say anymore. I am not sure I care.
Nevertheless I must admit I am not that tired anymore. Maybe because I start working at 10 a.m. which is much better, since I am closer to work than I was, I save a half an hour of sleep in the morning.
I still believe though that when I'll wake up from this thing I entered into, I will be able to find myself again...and I hope I won't be disappointed. And in the end, the system just dragged me in like in a vacuum. Five years ago I would have fought it. Now I just don't care...

always on the move

I'm moving again. I have a new job, next Monday will be the first day there, anothere TV station, a commercial one this time. I'm also moving to another house, an appartment this time, still no rent, lucky me. Things are shakin' up over here, and they're changing my world again. It's odd, but I am not enthousiastic, or afraid, or anything, maybe just a little bit worried. To tell ya the truth, I am sick of all that changing, I've had it, I need some peace and quiet, that's all. Hell, maybe I'm just too tired and just miss my summer hollidays an the sea. I haven't seen the sea yet, not this year. I wonder if I will...

my father's eyes

I think I don't have a recent picture of me and my father, alone. The last one is from 10 years ago, I was on my way to university, he was...ok. I sometimes wonder what affected me the most: his existence, or his non-existence? I used to have this conflictual relationship with him, we hardly talked and our tastes didn't match one bit. But somewhere deep inside I felt like I knew him, I think I inherited from him the same taste for life and the same tendency to imprudence, maybe the same naivity. When he was gone... my whole world collapsed. He was not, not anymore, the man I had to obey, he was.... my father.
I sometimes remember the life before, the life with him. I guess he was a guarantee for what my world was. For Home. Three years later, I still cry when I remember him. He would have been 61 today. And I guess missing him wouldn't go away. Never.

some things are meant not to be mentioned

I can't write about this...about the concert. The next day I felt like hit by a train. I couldn't realize I was there. And I suprised myself shouting my lungs out when they came on stage. I think I am still marked by this ... event or whatever it was. But I can't write about it. I can't describe it. I remember the feeling and now, when I listen to some of their songs on the radio, it all comes back to me. I would rather keep these feelings for myself, because writing about them, confessing them, exposing them to the public would only make them not... mine anymore. Nor mysterious or private. Some things are much better when they are just felt, not asserted.

I think I've changed a lot. Next week I'll be on vacation. Maybe the only vacation I'll ever have this year. I ... don't have that feeling. I am stressed, I am nervous, I am dizzy, I cannot focus. I came to hate the place I work. Not the work in itself, not the people, or not all of them.... just the place. I hope I will get outta there soon. Because that place is a brainwashing factory, that I'm sure.

And now, after a beer in the city with my friend, I got nostalgic, emotional, I remember myself few years ago, or even when I started this blog and it seems it's not the same person anymore. I got more acid, disappointed, bored, I lack patience and concentration, I got a little mean...but I hope somwhere deep down I'll still find, when in need, that piece of me which will never change, no matter what. oh, and yes, bitter, I almost forgot this, I sometimes get bitter. But only when alone or tired. Not now.

Strange love

Strangelove
Strange highs and strange lows
Strangelove
That's how my love goes

I can't miss writing about this:). I am not, not anymore, a teenager, enthousiatic and totally devoted to some gods on a poster. Nevertheless, the Depeche Mode concert of tomorrow brings out from within me some leftovers from my teenage years. Maybe because I never had the chance to go to a biiiiig concert like that 10 years ago, or maybe because such events always bring a hint of euphoria, I don't exactly know what it is, but I am totally and completely focused on tomorrow. I imagine scenes, I picture gestures and I create expectations.. It is very likely I will be a bit disappointed, perhaps I will be disturbed by the crowd pulling me, people trying to get a better view, worries of keeping myself safe and sound..but still, the thought of me being able to see this band I like on stage....well, that's something. In fact, this week Gotan Project had a concert here as well, I missed that one, I can't afford going to both concerts, but hey, it's been quite a week from this point of view.
I picked up this quote because I just feel like it tonight.

My muses

I sometimes find people who inspire me. I sometimes become inspiration to others, but these rare cases I do not consider, for I, my friends, aim to only evolve as a spirit. People who inspire me help me evolve. I do not know if this is a general truth about myself, but so far, this is what happened. People who helped me, in any way, get in the mood where I could just take a glance of the bigger picture, where I could see myself from above somehow, objectively, those were the ones who contributed to my evolution. And I do not mean material progress, but a mental and spiritual one. I truly feel that I am what I am just because I had the fortune of meeting such people. And I thank them for doing that, although they may not have a clue they've done it in such an important way to me.
Right now I think I like myself the way I am.... I guess there will be a limit to that too, but for now, for this moment, thanks to all of those who turned me into ME, I fucking love my life!

I'm feelin that I loose myself

I wanted to write several times but either I quit because of lack of ideas, or my computer went so slowly that I didn't have the patience to wait for the page to load. And sometimes I feel like I have so many things I would like to write about, but they just vanish the minute I begin the post. And I end up with a completely common piece of writing that I grow to hate every time I try to add something to it, so I just...quit. I figure I must have the time and the mood to write and to feel like writing again. And this is no time for that.
My job takes almost all my time. What I have left I try to share between my boyfriend, my mother, my driving lessons and some other things I complicate my life with. But this Friday was special, because I had nothing planned, I could sleep late (Friday is my day off) and drink my coffee in peace and even go to the market place, which was weird, coz only me and some old ladies were around and I felt like I was in a holiday or something!
And now I've come to appreciate my one month vacation/summer and my 8 to 4 working hours. I don't miss the work though. Nor the people. I like these ones better. And the work as well. I just hate what's goin on there, I mean people trying to stop something that's going fantastically well, people trying to take somebody's else place...ugly stuff like that. I know you people gonna say "wake up girl, that's the real world!", but I don't believe these things just happen like that everywhere. I hate this lack of stability or purpose or motivation and I need something to stabilize all that.
I really feel that I don't remember who I am anymore or what I want with my life, I just work and sleep and get tired and tired and tired. And I suppose now I'm just complaining and, yes, I know, there are people with worse problems than mine, but..well, this is my blog.

mad

Now I am really mad. I've grown to hate technology in every way. I hate computers because, if I work too long, my eyes hurt, I hate the Internet because you develop a virtual world where there is no touch with the reality, because it sucks you in a hole and loose every trace of your persona...I hate it because people have developed so many little programs that spy, copy, send by e-mail, take screen-shots of whatever you're doing on your computer....and why? Just because people wanna know, people are insecure, people need to believe that the other is not harming them.. I have to say there is nothing wrong in beeing hurt once in a while, otherwise we wouldn't appreciate the value of happiness. But, hey, not everybody is like me. Anyway, I really hate it and I probably would like to separate myself as much as possible of this kind of world. We are not here in "1984". We are supposedly free.

a girl still in her twenties

Today I saw a girl that reminded me very much of myself at her age.. that is some 4 years ago, and I suddenly felt old. I really have no idea what is best: to do everything to keep youself "young" (I mean clothes, music you like, lifestyle, etc.) no matter the age, or just try to assume your age and act accordingly? Because both variants have flows. If I keep myself like in my twenties, even if I am 40, I would look ridiculous. If I assume my age, I'd have to be a little bit oldish I guess. So what's the middle way?
Beside that, I realised I have to emphasize more on me and this doesn't mean I should become selfish, I just have to...you know, take care of me. I haven't been doing anything for myself lately, except work, I really need to invent things that remind me of me. And now we go back to the real question: what am I like? I know things about myself, but I generally adapt so easily to the circumstances and to the environment that I forget about me. Or maybe I identify to the new "group" so much that my old values seem to perish little by little. It's 2 months since I read my last book, it's too long since I had time to get bored and to start thinking about crazy stuff and to get ideas, new ideas. I didn't have anything to blog about. My life goes around my work and very little now on my relationship. And things will get worse I think. Maybe I am a little pessimist today, but I really feel like I forgot to LIVE. Or maybe I always need somebody around to show me how to do that, to spice things up and never let the system get me. Coz now this is the way I've taken.

Time time time....is not on my side

It's Sunday morning. I feel like I haven't slept enough or maybe that I slept too much, coz my head is spinning. Yesterday I had a terrible day, I ran from one place to the other, but still I managed to accomplish all my "tasks". My mother will be coming tonight, so I'll have to wait for her in that far-away dirty bus station... Tomorrow I'll be like a "zombie" at work again. And this is my life now. In between, I'll feed the pets, take Mooky-the-dog for a walk, and maybe, just maybe, get to see my boyfriend. :( I feel bad I have such a busy life, too many things to do, people always wanting stuff from me...not very nice indeed. Dunno exactly what to do about this...give up my English lessons could be an idea but I wouldn't want to give up all my kids. Other thoughts get ahead of this one about my spare time, and so I always miss thinking about it and the problem remains unsolved. Like now...I have to think about other things...things I need to buy for mom, what movie should we see, I have to translate a paper I've been postponing for some time...stuff. And my spare time is still an unsolved problem. One day I will solve it though.

My mother's birthday

Today is my mother's birthday. It is also her 2 years older sister's birthday. But, in the same day that my mother is celebrating her 60th anniversary, some other famous people celebrate their birthadays as well. People like Sharon Stone, Neneh Cherry, Chuck Norris, ....and last, but not least, ladies and gentlemen, Osama Bin Laden! :))). I couldn't believe it when I heard it on the news today... I wouldn't have made a difference perhaps, but I am a horoscopes/astrology/coincidences freak, so I am entitled to be surprised because of this detail.
Thing is I am really happy for my mom, her life is for the better I guess, because she turned 60 and on that very day she celebrates her birthday in Venice, Italy. It was her dream to go to Venice at least once in her life, and so she did. In the meanwhile, I've been having a tough week, I had no time for nothing so I quit carrying for anything, even for myself. I have to give up the English lessons because it's eating too much of my time. Theoretically, I should be fine, but there's always something else, a lesson, a document to translate, something.... And so I come home exhausted and I go to work again...not funny at all. So now I am going TO SLEEP.

frozen spring

It's the third day of spring and I feel already better, although it's freezing, it's snowing all over the country and it sounds like winter more than spring. This is the second night with Mooky, Mika and the turtles all tossed in a studio (not a very big one). The first time was absolutely terrible, I couldn't sleep, Mooky barked all night, Mika got scared and reacted badly, so did the dog, and so I was caught in the middle...of course you can imagine I didn't get any sleep. The next morning I swore to myself I would never repeat this kind of experiment. But...here I am repeating it. My mom left to Florence for a week, I couldn't stand the thought Mooky would stay all alone at night, so I figured that since tomorrow is Saturday, I can afford a sleepless night and to bring her here again. I read somewhere that if the animals feel you panic, they would get anxious as well, and the first time I was scared just like them. Now I am too sleepy to get scared. And they feel it, Mooky is playing, Mika is on the wardrobe, surveilling the whole thing...quite a scene if you think about it. I hope they will eventually ignore each other, i don't hope they will be friends (I am not that naive..you know). So I am like Ace Ventura in his apartment, only that I don't have as many pets as he did:). (big yaaaawwwwwnnn). I am going to sleep and I hope I can get some. goood night, world, wherever you are.

almost weekend

I'm tired now. And so it happens that everytime I am tired it's dark outside, which only depresses me even more than the actual fatigue state does it already. This is one reason why I love summer so much. Because the night comes late and it's an optimistic kind of night, it's filled with people going out for a drink, it smells like holliday even though I'm working, and the evening in the city, when you can feel it live, pulsing with every step around you, that's a wonderful feeling to me.
Tonight I almost fell asleep in the bus, although the radio was on and the music was cheerful. People were looking at me, I could feel their pitty "oh, poor girl, she's so tired". Playing a nice scenario in my head didn't work either. I have some scenarios that make me daydream even by night: how I would like to decorate a house of my own, what would I do if I won the lottery, stuff like that. But tonight I had no inspiration whatsoever. My head was pretty empty in that area, so I tried to focus on people in my life. I also had a gloomy week, I had to attend a funeral, one of my friend's father died, it was so bad because it reminded me of my own father... So I've come to think of everybody I knew, people at work, friends, my colleagues from school, my friends from childhood...they are all in my life more or less, but what am I to them? Do they care that the winter and the dark make me feel down, are they happy right now? And when I die, will they remember me? Do I have to do things in order to be remembered? dunno really if it matters so much, in the end... We're all gonna die, but some of us ain't gonna die ugly.
I do many things right now but I don't have a clear, great purpose to achieve. I just live. Somewhere on Earth, there's me, living.
Well, I guess I don't have a specific purpose for this post. And I'm gonna watch a movie, play with Mika (she's ok, if you wondered) and sleep. And tomorrow...we'll always have tomorrow, won't we?

Snowy February

It's snowing. I've come to appreciate the snow, because when it snows, it's not that cold. It's 0 degrees C at most, and this is veeery good as compared to -10 degrees C the other days. I feel tranquil and serene again this morning, maybe because I had my part of sleep (that I needed, oh, so much) and now my mind is alert again, I have ideas running through my head like crazy, but they are in disorder, I have to organize them, put them on paper or so.
The only bit of a problem this morning is that I've come to realize that I grew very much apart from my friends, we haven't met since last year or since the New Year's Night, we still, talk, I mean I talk to some of them, but...thing is that I don't feel the need of talking to them. These people at work, they are somehow fulfilling this role in my life although it's a surrogate and I know it, soon I'll wake up all alone, but I don't need to speak to those girls. Maybe because they don't feel that either..so...I guess, that's it then, right?
Uff, I have to get dressed, my mother and Mooky are waiting for me, hopefully I'll have some pictures of that dog pretty soon. Ciao!

P.S. - My brother is living now in the appartment of an old lady named Signora Tulia. Every Sunday, mother and I call him on the phone, but of course, every time signora Tulia is answering. You should hear my Italian accent when I say "Buongiorno, signora, sono la sorella di Pietro, potrei parlare con mio fratello per favore?". First time even I couldn't help myself from laughing, the accent was too obvious, maybe hilarious.

subway

I've been traveling a lot by subway these days on my way to my English lessons, although I completely hate the subway. It's like we're rats, traveling underground, you can't see anything through the window, it's black, all you can see is the reflection of yourself and other bored people next to you. But it's an interesting way of looking at people; in a bus, I am too preoccupied with the exterior, buildings, people passing by, the atmosphere, but here I am forced to concentrate on my fellow passengers. I noticed that mostly old people read books, some of them have tabloids I sometimes take a peak of, or crosswords. Young people play games on their phones or just stare. Some of them ar not afraid to stare at you, making you feel pretty unconfortable. I only take glances of them and try to image what they're like, what's their life like and what's in their minds when staring at me or at their neighbour.
And might I just say that the difference between me and a 17 year old girl is, except the 10 years between us, not just the looks, but the fact that they are not wearings hats, their coats are short and they must be freezing now, but they just don't care, they have their hands red because of frost, and their ears too, whereas I have lots of clothes on and I am still afraid of being cold. See? that's the difference...they don't care if it's cold...

I need...I dream

It's so cold I can hardly breathe...I know I said that before, but i really hate cold weather, especially when it's freezing outside. I need a car. I need a driver's licence first...but only because I need a car.
I realized I have many "projects" going on this year, not all of them very easy to accomplish. First I need a car. Second, I need to renovate my country house, it's old and a part of it is almost falling into pieces, it's a pitty to let such a house ruin. Especially since this is the only place in this world I can call "home". And after that I want to continue my studies in a different field this time, so I'll try to be a student again in Journalism...if it's all possible of course. And that's about it..for now. Of course, I have many other small and immediate plans, like changing the stupid glasses and stuff like that. And of course, getting better at work, I know it sounds a little bit silly, but I mean it, I take this very seriously and I have to get better because there are times when I feel I am missing something, maybe the know-who requested in the media world.
Besides, I know that three (!!!) of my friends are planning on getting married this year, I can't believe it, soon I'll be a respectable spinster :)), and I am really glad for them, sure, although I don't really see myself in a position quite like that yet. But maybe at the end of this year I'll be writing a blog about my plans of getting married, so, you know, everything is possible.
And that's all for today I guess, not much of a post this time, I am in the period when I get information from all possible sources, I started watching movies again, but I am not so curious about music anymore, I hardly listen to specific music, just let the radio on and that's that. So maybe after a while I'll be able to dazzle the world with more Miruna-wit:)) (and please notice the lack of modesty, as well).
again this feeling of deja-vu...it's like I'm making a pastiche of myself (dunno if pastiche is really a word in English, I'll fix it next time).
so long, people.

history...repeating

I noticed I repeat myself from time to time. There are subjects in this blog that appear over and over and you people must be saying "oh, come on girl, you've said that once before, what a hell, you're not that old!" and you couldn't be more right about that. I agree. I read myself and try to be objective and even I said that to myself. But...the explanation is that every time I feel something, it has a different nuance, a different color, and so it's almost new to me and ready to be shared. And this is why you may encouter, if you ever take the time to read this, several subjects that appear, one way or another in my writings. They just empahsize a mood sometimes, or other times they just serve me pretextes for writing something.
But the important thing is that I write, right? Thought so too:)...
Now, for the latest news update: Mika is ok, she returned to her old habits of jumping and scratching the chairs and stuff and this is very good. My turtles get bigger every day, at least the old one, she's huuuuuuge (I mean for a cute pet). My mother's dog is fine, she's not really into taking long walks but she's coming around. My brother returned to Florence and moved to a warmer house. My mother returned to her old habits of torturing me and assigning me duties when I really don't feel like it. And I hope my performances at work are getting a liiiittle bt better because I really can't say I'm doing perfectly fine. Maybe in a month or so.. and that's about it.
Ah, I saw a documentary tonight, really impressive to me, but really it's difficult to talk about it on the blog, first because it's still fresh in my mind and it needs a time to settle somewhere in my head, and second because it regards some serious issues I am not ready to talk about. But the point of mentioning it here was that it took me into one of that long lasting pensive moods.
So, night night you people!

... New Year

Well, well, well... what do you know, we're in 2006! Very nice of us, especially since we did nothing about it, it just happened and we just "enjoyed" it. Well, my New Year's Eve party was...ok, could have been better if my sixth sense didn't feel a negative vibe from my friend, and this bad feeling followed me all night, although I tried to let it go, not to think too much about it...ya know. But looking back, I kinda have the feeling I shouldn't have let it go, coz it's important.. Truth is I really had very few friends, female friends, they were all conjectural acquaintances and lost them one way or another. This is not the situation with all of them of course, but somehow I managed to decrese the intesity of the friendship until it eventually vanished, or only the polite side remained. I know it's me, since it happened just the same with almost everybody. Dunno how I do it exactly, it's different every time, but the result is the same. We become "acquaintances". We're not friends anymore. As a matter of fact, my lack of time gives me no chance of having friends. People are working late these days. After work they wanna go home and sleep. If not, they invest their little spare time into a pseudo-relationship that lasts just because people need to be together...somehow. So, where do friends actually show up? At birthdays, during various holidays like Christmas or New Year's Eve, during summer holidays, something like that, hmmm? And that's their purpose in your life? It's a bitter conclusion I am drawing here, or maybe it's just the mood I am in, but right now methinks that friendship is quite a little bit of a problem to me. I hate losing friends. I hate that I expect too much of them or that they disappoint me and don't even know that...

Mika is feeling much better today, she's done with the antibiotic shots also, and I am surprised to see how well she behaves, I was scared she won't stay in one place, she'll jump and move all the time, not protecting her belly. But no, she's ok, she hardly notices any of the toys, which is good for now, but I hope she won't be like that all the time.
I decided to go after all to that party my friend is having. I will, most likely, get a little bored, but I really don't want to anticipate anything right now, maybe everything will go well and I won't have to complain:).
I am pretty sleepy and lazy these days, I think this is my idea of "rest".. I don't need to do anything very quickly and even if I did, I wouldn't do it, that's for sure. I am just like Mika. And inside I am peaceful right now, really serene and looking forward for the new year. It's no time for looking back an summing up right now, but all I wanna say is that this year was pretty good, I worked a lot, I was even exhausted at times, I didn't feel the months go by, but I can't say it was bad...oh no. Thus I feel no restraints in awaiting the next year. Hope it'll turn out better than 2005.

PS - I was reading my posts of December 2004. Turns out my writing was much better when unhappy or sad or depressed or unstable. But I would much rather be serene and peaceful and to write common blogs than unhappy and a good writer. At least right now this is the feeling. I might change my oppinion soon:).

3 days away

Tough day today. Not only because of Mika's operation (poor thing, she is having a hard time recovering from that thing and only now, at 10 p.m. she is fully awake and crying because of the pain), it was difficult for her and for me as well, I tried to stay at home all day to keep an eye on her. And of course I couldn't just stay at home. So I did the laundry, defreeze the fridge (I'm sure in the USA you don't defreeze the fridge, am I right?), tried to keep the house less messy than the usual...stuff. But it did me good and I feel ok right now.
Big surprise, one of the friends called, but not with the purpose of saying "Happy birthday" but to ask me of my New Year's Night plans (I had to spend it with her and some other persons)...this was even worse, coz I would have been ok if she had said "look, I'm sorry, I forgot, but anyway, happy birthday". but she didn't and now I really dunno what to do, go to her party or not. Thing is I have no other options for that night and I really don't wanna spend it quietly. So maybe I'll go, not forgetting to let her know what I feel.
Or not...
Anyway, I'm going to look fot my cat now, so if you'll excuse me....night night!

Birthday reminder, Mika's operation

Well, tomorrow is a big day for my cat, Mika, I'll take her to the doctor's to be sterilized (I hope this is the right word). I've been thinking about this a lot, I mean I am sorry for her that she has to go through something like this, but sincerely, it was the best solution for both of us, since I don't plan on letting her have kittens and since this "heat" period is pretty awful.. It seemd that she was in pain and she really didn't know what happened to her. I just hope she'll be ok.
As for the life in Romania, Greg, it's difficult for me to talk about it, because I am inside it... all I can say is that it's really different from life in the USA, from what I've heard. But after all everything is relative, I'm sure, so maybe you'll be able to tell the differences from my writing, which is damn difficult to do, since all you hear is me, me, me. My life, my problems, my thoughts.
I'm glad I have a few days off from work, just about enough to rest and put my desordered life in order, to catch up with my reading and with people I haven't had time to see before.
I was sad that two of my best friends forgot about my birthday...and three days passed since my birthday. I figure that your friend's birthday is not something to be forgotten, or if it does happen, there's always the next day, the day after that...Well, no sign of them yet, so I dunno how to react right now. Perhaps it'll all solve out sooner or later, it's just that I didn't expected it, not from them, that's all.

christmas blog

Now this is completely unusual for me.. to write on Christmas day, but since tomorrow I'll be working, I am home now. And I must say that this day was pretty ok, peaceful, quiet, just like I wanted it, with my family:). Today I took the dog out for the first time, and she was shivering like hell during the first minutes and then she got used to it. I think she'll like it after all.
Well, I just wanted to wish everyone Merry Christmas:).

latest news

NEWS...this is the key word of my life right now. Everything goes around this main subject. If you must now, I am about to become one of the most informed people of my acquaintances:) because this is what I do all day long: I hunt news. Of all kinds: breaking news, latest news, morning/evening news...everything. And I like it. Although at times I feel a bit overcome by the situation, especially during those days when many things happen and I must choose...in fact this is the most difficult thing so far, to be able to choose the most important news. At first everything was important. But I started little by little to "feel" their importance and I really hope I will be able soon to discern quickly...
This year my birthday and all Christmas fuss doesn't seem so gloomy anymore...it's been quite a year and many things have changed (I changed the appartment twice, I changed my job, I have a cat and a almost a dog), and I feel I am more confident right now. Still a bit dizzy, but more confindent in myself. And this is one hell of an accomplishment. I am glad my brother is coming home for the holidays. I like it when I see my mother smiling all the time (it's because of the dog, of course)... I hope every one will be ok at least on my birthday (which is on Saturday, can't believe it). An really...after all will settle down, I think I'll be able to write more often..

sincerely bad mood

So it seems now that everyone found out about my intentions to leave my job for another. And I spent quite a few hours thinking of how to break the news to the ladies in my office. And this because I felt like betraying them, I felt like I was leaving them like an unfaithful protegee, ungrateful of the life I had for four years. Looking back, I should be grateful to them, they helped me so many times that I can't remember, although of course, living together was not always easy. But all in all, they spoiled me like their own child and I felt somehow protected. But this had nothing to do with my carrier or my hopes in this life. I was not born, nor educated to remain a philology garduate working for an obscure chemistry magazine. It's not that I want fame or glory, I don't want to be a star or anything, but I want to feel motivated, to feel that I work for something and to see the results. I want to be in the middle of events, I want to feel that I LIVE, not that my brain is washed up by a strange chemistry formula I don't even know how to pronounce.
So I spit it out, the piece of news, and they reacted ok, they were not happy, a little bit sad, but ok. My boss, instead, got mad. I didn't even had the chance to tell him personally about it, but someone else did it for me, and so he was angry I didn't tell him face to face. I would have, had he been available. Now this bothers me so much that I can't help thinking about it all the time. I don't want to leave with a bad feeling. I'm just a bad break-upper I guess.
Well, I'm going to do the laundry now..

I have internet at home now. So what? I am coming home late with no desire of spending even more time in front of the computer than I already do. I was hoping I woudn't be so tired every day and allow myself to feel things, to have sensations and instincts, but they seem all dead. So, there's nothing left for me to do here..or maybe just to watch different net-jokes coming from my "busy" friends, all kinds of small films and power-point pictures. They look nice, sometimes they're funny, and that's it! Hours go by like minutes waiting for them to download... My cat will need a shrink for sure, she's too lonely, dunno if she can make friends with the turtles, I don't think so.
But the wind of change is blowing now, my friends, as I am about to succeed in changing the one thing I am complaining since the begining of this blog: my job. I spent this day there, at the new place, and it was...refreshing and alive and dynamic. And perhaps this comes just in time to save me from becoming old before my age and on the inside, and being cozy and spoiled is not good at all to a certain extent. So maybe, just maybe, I will be back with more Miruna-wit:) if I may say so.
I was quoted some paragraphs of my blog the other day and all I can say it's that I really couldn't believe I wrote those things. Or did I change so much that now I have to find something else? We'll see. I'm just looking forward for the future, wherever it may be:). Good night.

It's pretty late and I am pretty tired, this week started in force, so to speak, I was happy about this internet connection at home, but of course, those guys showed up at 8 instead of 5 and I hate when people are late. And then lots of things to do and I am running like crazy, trying to share my time for everything, but it was almost like too much noise for nothing: I run too much for such small things. My reward is a weekend at the mountains, I really needed it, hope I will come back with a different state of mind. Other than that, things are close to shaping up around here, the only thing I hate is the weather, it's freezing and only today I had the time to get my coat to the dry-cleaner's, in the meantime I try not to stay too much outside. It's getting dark at 5 p.m. here and this makes me sleepy...eh, winter. Tomorrow I will be 26 and 11 months, I'm getting close to 27, Gosh, I don't feel like my age at all. 27 sounds responsible and mature and wanting a family, instead I feel like 23 or so, barely waking up to reality:)). Or something. I'm going to bed now, sleepy.... Babay.

at last

It's 22:53 now as I'm writing, you can imagine that I'm pretty tired and sleepy but very glad that at last I HAVE INTERNET AT HOME. Of course, for most people, this is not much of an accomplishment, but to me it's important, I can browse now freely, without my boss or anyone else looking over my shoulder to see what I'm writing or where I browse. It's so important because I wanted it for a long time now and it's almost unreal that I can chat with friends or see jokes without being stressed or anything. And most important of it all, I can write:). So that's all for tonight, I'll be back tomorrow!

hi again

It's been like...a month or so, Goooosh, I'm beginning to get lazy in writing. I don't really mean that, but it seems that whenever I have something interesting to say, I am on my way to work in morning, on my way home, in the evening, on my way to my lessons, in different parts of this crowded and sometimes spooky city. So the idea gets lost in the crowded place that is my head, just as crowded as this city or as this life of mine. I'll soon be 27 and I am not complaining anymore. I feel young and somehow strong, I feel I've overcome so many things in my life that I can easily deal with the rest of them. The only thing that's bothering me is that my friends are getting married and having kids, it seems this year was really rich in that: weddings and baptisms. It's weird, instead of going to a club, we're going to a wedding party. Not that it's not that funny, but...this means we're growing up and stuff. Except that, my family increased with one member, the puppy Mooky, a mixture of teckel and caniche, very much looking like her caniche father. She is 6 weeks old and my mother adores her:). But my cat doesn't:(.
I really have a Zoo at my place: 2 turtles, a cat and if I bring Mooky for the weekend...imagine that:)). And this in one room, in my brother's studio, lucky me he's in Florence now.
Well, my point today was that I got excited on the idea of having internet at home...and I thought I could write better on this blog if I have a quiet moment to think about things. Here, in the office, it's too noisy and I have too many things to deal with at once to be able to think of a new post. So I really hope that the next time I will write will be from home:).
Until then:), that was it for me today...bye everyone!

@work

It's been a long time, I know, but I didn't have anything to say or anything interesting to say. These days I feel quite bad again, like everyhting is wrong and I have no clue where I'm going. I have dillemas concerning my life and my purpose in life. Or I have to just to live and see where it's taking me? People around me are getting married and are having kids, they look like they can manage with this situation, although they are my age. I really don't feel like it, I mean I would like to have kids at some point, but not now, I feel I still have to live a different kind of life, I am still too imature and too little to be able to raise kids of my own:(. And I am not self-confident at all, and I feel I must be strong in order to have a kid. Of course, I feel bad because my personal life is not very well right now, I don't know exactly why, but I have the sense that something is not well, or at least that's what I felt yesterday. Today....let's say I am ok, so far. But this can be a premonition for some big changes (again!!!) or it can be just a phase. We'll see.

party tonight - part II

Well, this year's party was no so funny as the last one, I mean I think I got used to the people around me and I didn't find them so funny anymore. But I danced, which was quite a premiere this year, coz at these parties we never dance, we just watch and gossip, hihihi:)). I felt ok, like these people are my family, I am with them for 4 years and I know their stories, their lives, their moods, they know me and now I feel bad leaving them, as much as I would want that. Dunno what's gonna be, but this morning's mood is emotional and I don't feel like doing any changes in my life right now. I've had it with changes for a while, but I can feel that something's gonna happen, and it's not gonna be an easy one...

I felt like writing today, which is good because I rarely feel like writing lately, don't ask me why. I had quite a vacation, one month, I travelled, I rested, it was ok. But now I'm back to work and I feel tired again, and I think it's the job and the routine, not the fact that I am really tired, this would be impossible after one-month holiday. And I feel like I'm little by little losing myself, and I don't want to spend my life earning money and spending them. this is not the purpose of my life at all. I had a dream... I used to have a dream about my future. I even had a plan. It didn't turn out as I wanted at all, but now I kinda lost it on the way and here I am, a young woman in her 20s, very close to her 30s (although I don't feel like my age at all) not knowing where to go. I feel like I have my life in my hands, I have no obstacle that should keep me from what I want to do, but still, I do nothing because I have no idea what I want. And this is the worst thing ever because this is not a quest for myself, I am not trying out different things to see if they suit me, I only think of them and suppose they just don't. Because I don't feel like it.
All I know is that I don't want to become an office girl, all dressed up, thinking only of clothes, make-up or other shallow subjects like that. I'm not saying I should be bothered only by fundamental things in life either...but still. Trouble is that here, a high salary involves this kind of office-like character. And little by little I will be losing myself and I everything I am right now. I like myself as I am now. But I had enough struggling to make it each month. However, this will not be the case for a while at least since I will be moving to my brother's studio with no rent whatsoever:) and that's the good news.
Other than that, I hope this writing mood is long-lasting:).

one-year dillema

It's been one hell of a year. An year to remember I guess, because things have never been so fluctuating in my life before. But now I think I'm getting better, although the changes, and I mean basic changes in my life, haven't stopped. I still need a better-paid job, a different house or a house of my own..things like that. But all I want in this world is not to lose myself...not to become something I now hate, not to do things I consider despicable right now....I don't want to forget about me in this speedy and material modern life. And I say this because money have become a hell of an issue lately. Maybe because of their scarce presence in my life, or maybe because I am surrounded by people who consider always a material interest in everything. Or so it seems...
I have no conclusion now....my blog is my relief, my escape sometimes, my confident, my shrink, my diary, my box of hidden thoughts... I write for myself and my writting reflects my mood, my state of spirit and my feelings. Dunno how it looks from the outside, I only know the inside :)...ranging from a white-pinkish atmosphere, to a blue-black one sometimes.
Right now I've come to the conclusion that I'll never marry. It's no purpose in doing that, as a girl, it has no meaning to be queen for a night, and depressed afterwards, when your new husband will be desiring every woman in the world but you, and will feel confined in a marriage he realizes he didn't want, that came too soon with too much responsibility. And I'm saying that because I actually know it happens... Not a very nice or pink perspective. And of course, there are cases that may counterdict my opinion. If so, I'm glad. However, I am currently feeling that marriage has no point whatsoever.
Other than that, my cat is very funny, but she managed to almost break one of her front arms last night, I ran quickly to the doctor with her, she is now ok:). But she cried like a baby last night, I felt so sorry for her.
And that would be all, folks!!!

It's been a long long time....I am so tired I can hardly think reasonably, I work like a robot in the heat, and I really don't feel it's summer. It's sad that I'm loosing that sense o f holiday I used to have when I was in school, even at the university. Now, the vacation month seems so short that I can barely make some plans for it.
I've been to a wedding two weeks ago, it was the perfect occasion for me to get dressed up and to wear make-up, and to be, you know, like my mother would like me to be, like a "lady". I t was not such a bad thing, but being a lady is very fatiguant, and too complicated for my simplist nature. I mean I know this about me, I like only one kind of sophisticated things, the simple-sophisticated things ( I know it's too much for you to understand, so you may skip this part :) ). Anyway, it was fun and I've got nice pictures to prove it.
And...I've got a cat. I had turtles, now I have a cat. It's a lovely little cat, very thin but very playful, I've got it only for several days and it's very funny, I am talking to her and she seems to understand me, we are even playing:), it's nice. So these are the latest news in the laimest style possible. I can't be insipred now....I am pretty dried out of everything, need to recharge for a while.

yaaaaaaaawwwwwwwnnnnnn

there are exactly 21 days until my holiday. Which is a lot, but still not that much, I mean, 21 days, it's like a summer storm, they end quickly. I just hope I'll get a chance to rest this holiday, I am just extremely tired. And this could be an excuse for my lack of inspiration and the writing pause. There were moments when I would have wanted to write, to explain a feeling or a sensation, but they lasted so little time, and I got caught up in so many other things that finally when I wanted to write, I realized.....I had just lost it.
Now I don't have anything in mind. Just thinking about my life as it is at this moment...I cannot complain. I did worse, I have to admit. I think I can do better. But I just don't have the motivation or the strenght to get those wheels movin'. Maybe after the miracolous holiday I am wainting for so much, maybe after that I could consider doing things. And maybe writing fresh stuff.
(Refresh memory)
I haven't analyzed things for a very long time. I guess I unconsciously imposed it in my mind, because it seemed my over-analysis was harming my relationship. But I know why I did it, it was because I got somehow hurt and I had to "exorcise" it out of me by defragmenting it, deconstructing it, so that it won't have any value at all.
God, I hate to be stressed when I'm writing!!! Gotta go back to work:((, hate this stupid job.

summertime...

summer, finally. I've been waiting for it for some time, and now that it's here, I'm a bit deshoriented, not sure how to react...Perhaps my summers were so far included in some kind of pattern. The only element of that pattern left for this summer is the moving from one house to another (it seems it's a leit motive of my life for the past 7 years or so). But for the rest...not sure how this summer is gonna be.
The only strong feeling I have right now is for the sea.... Cannot explain this profound attachment with the sea, and I don't mean those luxurious resorts with hotels and all kinds of facilities, but the kind of sea one can feel in a village by the sea, or sleeping on the beach...that's the sea I'm day-dreamin' of these days. And it's deeply connected with the desire for a perfect holiday, when you forget what time it is or what day it is, you're just enjoying moments of the day without limiting them to time and connecting them to reality. That's the perfect holiday to me....not being in a rush, not HAVING TO do something, not going anywhere unless you want to.
I had this kind of feeling only once in my "adult" life but the taste of it remained so present that my soul is yearning for it now.
Or maybe I am just extremely tired :).

headache day

Pretty difficult day today. I admitt I'm overreacting to some things and I'm sorry for that, I don't mean that, I think I am just being unsecure about all things in my life, about me and the others and the world in general. And I also think that maybe I'm affraid of getting hurt and I'm disecting and analysing everything and every word has a nuance or a subtle second meaning....I am getting tired of myself. I'm getting tired of annoying everyone around by being so stubborn when I shouldn't or so sensitive when I'm not supposed to. I should be able to understand and treat others as I would like to be treated. But I remember doing that and not receiving the treatment I expected. I guess that's what made me bitter and not so sweet anymore.
This doesn't mean I should treat people, "innocent stand-byers", like hell, no sir...
This is why I decided I should leave my worries and troubles and minor inner conflicts to this blog, and chat more relaxed and free of any frustration or troubles whatsoever. Because it seems I am poisonning every conversation and it degenerates, invariably, in a stupid quarrel. And the thing is that I forget all about it as soon as I get out of the office and stop chatting. It's not the chat...it's my obsession with words and meanings that leads to this stupid situation and I hate it.
Somehow...I've gotta stop.
I also realized these days that one must have a trained eye for beauty in order to see it. Not every man appreciates La Gioconda, to uneducated or less educated or not-interested-in-art people, the smile of Mona Lisa is not mysterious and the whole painting in itself is not a genius' work, it's just a painting of an ungly woman of whom there are rumors it could have been a man. It's the same with people. One must know beauty in order to see it.

constant invasions of my privacy

Nothing new, just the story of my life. I’ve always suffered from people’s curiosity and from their sneaking into my privacy. So I guess it’s nothing new, just another depriving of something of my own. I admit that the problem was WHAT I wrote, not that I wrote. It generated bad feelings and pain…and lots of words, written and sa(i)d. I’m dizzy and my head spins right now, I can’t breathe easily… I realise that the past 2 years exhausted me in such a way that now I just can’t face problems as I should, I’m passive and weak, I need to run away from them instead of confrounting them. This passiveness comes also from too many shocks and another one was too much, it just hit me and caught me unprepared and I just could react at all.

It’s all so weird in the end. When I was 12 I had my frist diary. My grandma found it, read it and judged me for what I had been writing, asking me to burn it. So I did. After that I had a number of diaries that were read by my mother, my father, my brother, a friend, all without having my permission. Followed by intrusions into my intimacy by my boyfriends…the ones that mattered, in fact. And so, I come to judge my reaction: I was not angry that something was read without my permission, but that what I wrote caused trouble and pain…

And on top of everything, I feel I should go away, disappear for a while, because I’m harming everyone around me: my mother is unhappy because I’m difficult, stubborn and not close to her, my brother feels we don’t talk to much, my friends don’t know anything anymore about me, because I never talk or listen for that matter. And, of course, the worst is that I succesfully regressed in a relationship that was starting to evolve. This is what happens when I try to make everyone happy. I tried to please everybody in my life, not to make people sad or depressed, and I failed :((((. So..you can imagine my conclusions, my mood, my thoughts. Not happy. Not happy at all. What should I do about myself in this life? How am I supposed to be so that things like that shouldn’t happen anymore??

well, no matter how well things would go right now in my life...today, this very moment, I'm not feeling it. I feel bad, my belly hurts, I'm so nervous I could scream my lungs out, I hate my colleagues at work, they are stupid and narrow-minded, they are talking stupid things I don't care and quarrel over insignifiat matters of somebody else's life, they judge people and don't look in their own yard and above all expect me to be interested in their small-talk....gosh!!
Anyway, I suppose in a way they are harmless, I know there could be even more dangerous/mean/annoying people in other offices, so perhaps I should be grateful they are like that. Nevertheless, today I'm not into that peaceful mood when I think optimistically and don't mind stuff like that. Today I'm...selfish I think. Sometimes I feel the need to be selfish. To have everything my way and to get nervous if it isn't. Cause maybe I've been too much unselfish and I got bored...hell knows.
Eh, nevermind...Tomorrow will be a better day, I hope.

the root of all evil

...in my life is stress and psychic trouble. I don't show it and I have enough stamina to resist it for a long time. But evil starts showing its thorns little by liltte. I am irritable and nervous, I am not judging right, I am impulsive (and in a bad way), I talk back and I am always tired as hell, no matter how much sleep I get. But it's all like a circle of vices, one thing leads to another....I have to find a place to live with a smaller rent (that's because I can't buy a house, no way Jose), a rent I can afford, coz I realised that I've been going for too long with this stress every month. Or maybe to find a better-paid job. But I guess on Friday I had the first major failure of my life: I went to this interview, it was ok, I did ok, or at least that's what I thought, and they didn't call me.... I was 80% they'll hire me, I found the job perfect for me. Then I thought maybe I asked for too much money...this is also possible. It didn't depress me in a conscious way, but I think the bad influence of this failure is there somewhere and acts incognito in my mind....
I saw this movie...."Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind"....pretty weird, I liked it, I got the picture....and I didn't have to see that movie to know that even if you try to erase the conscient memory of a person from your mind, you could never erase the emotional memory, the tactile memory even. And no matter my memories, good or bad, they are mine, they are part of me and in them resides that past-Miruna I sometimes hate or like....but it's Miruna...
Well I guess the world didn't need my comment on this movie :)), I nevertheless delivered it, because it's my blog, I write whatever I want in here. Like in a vault. Not throw away the key yet:).

P.S. - Thank you for the positive considerations on my blog. It's not much and I decided not to write for the writing, but for the self, or better yet it's a writing with a catharsis function. So please don't criticise too much the style, just read between the lines.

felt like 1999

Two weeks ago, on a Sunday afternoon, waiting for a friend who was incredibly late, I had a very weird sensation of 1999. To me every year has a feeling, and of course, that year had a specific feeling, more like the ones that followed. I was near the University, on the edge of the fountain where I used to spend all the time I was loosing during my school days. That was like a "nexus of the universe" to me. And now...maybe because of that beautiful sunny day, a true spring day, or maybe because of the cigarette smoked with regular zips of cola, as I used to do back then, I really felt at one point that I was living one of my daydreams on the fountain, that it was time to move my ass to classes and when my friend finally arrived, I was looking at her as if she came from another planet, the words were avoiding me, she had to ask me three times if I was ok and where did I want to go from there.
Actually, this had happened to me before, but not so strong, the feeling, the voyage to the past was not so real as this one...I had a moment when I really felt that 6 years didn't pass just like that.....
Other than that, everything is ok, Easter just ended, today is the first day at work after a mini-holiday that I needed so. I got kinda depressed coz I miss my Dad these days more than ever....I think I miss the old traditional Easter with all the family, we had few days together.. Now my mother went to meet her sisters in their parents' house, my brother visited "the in-laws" and so I was left behind, or at least this is how I felt when I heard the Easter plans.... But it wasn't so bad as I thought, of course, as always, there was someone there who helped me get past these days, to even enjoy myself....to have a good time. And this is why I began to feel even better, just the thought that there is someone who thinks of how to make me feel better is already lighting up my day:)).
And I love the weather today, it's warm and sunny and I'm calm, I'm even a bit dreamy...I like this:).

Every time I begin writing, something wrong happens. And everytime I intend to write something comes up and I can't, and then, when I have all the time in the world to do it, I have nohing to say, just feel lobotomized and stupid and this makes me even more nervous.... Well, this mostly happens because I am tired very often, struggling with many things in the same time....sometimes I get lost in translation:). Just like yesterday when I was so tired I could barely think and keep my head up.... I slept 7 hours out of 48, and I also had to deal with my 8 years old pupils who are normally very funny but yesterday was more like a contest of "who is shouting louder" or "let's cheat on the test and see what happens, will she get mad?"... And after that, as I was walking home from the tram station, watching people, window shopping ( I saw a pair of cute shoes, I really like them), I suddenly realized that I hate going back to that lonely house... I like living there, I like the appartment, and I even like living alone sometimes, but yesterday I was feeling so weak and small in a world that moved so fast around me, that I just felt discouraged and alone... I needed someone to wait for me at home, I needed to get home and see the lights on, the TV turned on and somebody there....a warm house. That's what I needed. Instead I got home and a grey air floated there, my turtles were like dead, they didn't make a move...and that bed was so cold. And so I realized that living on your own is not all nice and funny as they say...sometimes you have to deal with moments like that.
And today is raining, a spring rain:). I noticed that everytime the season changes, there is a period of intensive rain...it's like preparing for the next season:). Well...as I said, I am weather dependent and this rainy atmosphere is very good for reading:). Oh, and yes, writing :).

april day

This spring is not like the last one at all..... That is not an entirely bad thing, maybe this spring, although not as "spectacular" in feelings as the last one, it's more stable (that's a key word, of course) and maybe more active. I'm doing stuff, solving problems that I left unsolved for a long time, I'm working on several levels so to speak....and that's very nice, I think. Of course, I couldn't do all that if it weren't for somebody to support and help me.... yesterday I felt quite surprised to see all that effort only for me, and that made me happy.
But....yes, there is a but....can't put my finger on it really well, it may have to do with spring mood and astenia, with a specific period I'm going through, it's just that all of a sudden I feel down, I feel there's no purpose in doing everything if I don't have that ...mood, that feeling, if I don't feel... desired, wanted. Something like that. I may be unfair right now, I mean what more could I ask, I am generally happy and I feel fine, I feel things are better and better, I am not entitled to complain I guess, and that's why I really have no idea why should I write about it, but it's a mood that won't go away. And that is all folks....I really cannot write in a normal way anymore....dunno why, maybe I should go on private. Iacs,....hate my mood.

my mistake

It suddenly struck me….my mistake, last summer’s mistake led me now to this impossible situation. In fact it’s not that impossible, I’m not living on the street or anything, but I’m on the edge of survival or at least this is how I’m feelin’ it right now, maybe I’m overreacting, but I’m having a state of panic and anxiety that I rarely, if ever, experienced in my life. I shoudn’t have left my brother’s house…that’s all. That’s a house that felt like home, like my old house, like my parent’s house in Deva, there were familiar things there and I worked for that place as if it were my own. I shoudn’t have left, that’s all. I rushed into a relationship with no chances of survival, I didn’t listen to people saying that M. is no good for me and it will only get me hurt, I was too eager to get over the trauma and the pain inside and I tried to kill all this by doing something foolish…. Well, now I know all that but there is nothing I can do, it’s all in the past, I only have to go through this anxiety, right now, this moment. Maybe it’s only today, maybe tomorrow morning when I wake up, it’ll all be just a bad dream. But I see that I got down too soon, too easy. With no fight at all.

It’s important, I think, to see everything from different points of view. Trying to…not today, I think today I’m entitled to be depressed.

C's birthday on Sunday... As I was "redecorating" (that means I rearranged all my books and wooden boxes and finally moved my bed in the bedroom, as it is normal), I was thinking about the appropriate time to call, cause I was thinkink he might have been partying and clubbing, and I was right and my timming was still bad, coz I woke him up and I know he hates that, it's irritating to him......but well, the conversation was very short and conventional, like I was just an acquaintance asking if everything is allright with him, if he is ok, what did he do the night before, well, bye then, thanks for calling.... That was about it. This is what's left after five years.... I'm not reproching it, I'm just noticing the strange nature and the weird development of human relationships. It's all so relative and shallow if you think about it...Well, beside all these "worries", I'm doing fine, that's if you were wondering:))). Yesterday I got nervous at one point coz I got hungry and walking pointless to find a stupid post office to get a stupid little package from somebody just as stupid as all of the above, and as I got home, my boyfriend was waiting in the car with pizza...I was in a hurry and irritated and behaved accordingly and then.....after few hours as I got into bed, I was thinking that this was one of his kindest gestures to me and all I did was to treat him bad...ufff...sometimes I am not empathetic at all...brrr...

word therapy

Just wanted to signal the good mood, nothing else. I feel good these days, not moody or anything, just me, calm and relaxed. I don't feel excited or enthousiastic, but this is nothing but an "extra option" of the "deluxe version" of my life. I think that this will come in time anyway.
But there are other things I'm thinking about, I really need to be more active about myself. Somebody told me once that all I really need is to find myself another job and to write. Well, as far as the writing is concerned...I'm doing it from time to time, not really satisfied with it, but doing is improving. The job....or anything connected to my carrier, it's like I'm stuck here, and though I see I'm going deeper every day, I do nothing, I just sit and wait for the perfect job to just pump up and come knocking on my door.
I can't imagine what would make me move already, maybe a very nasty athmosphere for a longer period of time, I guess.
I realized that I had begun writing for fun, but now this became a "safety valve" to me, it helps releasing the pressure in my head, clarifying my thoughts, depressurising me entirely. Now that I think about it, it's always been like this, since the 6th grade when I began writing a diary :))). Writing as a therapy, words instead of pills...killing the "mental viruses" by saying/pronouncing/expressing them.

words

Words are important to me, no question about that. I can feel people through their words, sentences, phrases. I can read between the lines and sense every intention, feeling, mood, state of mind, everyhting. My intuition works like charmed when it comes to words. So this is why I think I'm a bit out of reality and fail to appreciate facts. It is out of my scheme to dissect facts rather than words. And in the end, facts are the ones that matter, right? Still, I can't deny the importance of words, no matter my angle, my point of view.... but there are people who express themselves through their actions and sometimes maybe these actions/gestures/facts are so symbolic and meaningful that it would be a pitty not to see behind them.
How about words? What are their status in this case? Well, still trying to consider where the equilibrium should be, coz there must be an equilibrium here too... I'm just figuring it out these days :).

trapped

Now, i knew it would happen like this...don't you ever say something good about my writing, or anything bad, coz this will make me not write at all... I do have this problem, like I have nothing to write about, nothing to share, me of all people, me, the extrovertite, the sociable, the friendly, the talk-a-lot-about-all-stupid-things-in-this-world, me me me... I guess it has to do with my lack of trust, professionally that is, my lack of confidence in my powers or in my value (which is relative, I hardly see any value in my writing....but there are people with different views on this issue). It also has to do with a boring job and with my not-so-ambitious nature. I envy my colleagues who used these three years that have passed since graduation to become something.....me....I'm nobody, I feel like i achieved nothing and this was not my plan, seven years ago, when I left my pinkish bedroom from my parents' house. Ah, I know I wrote about it, but this ... issue, it comes up over and over, until I find a solution for it...
Well, but hey, it's the first day of spring....apparently, I should hope for more, shouldn't I?

spriiiing?

I feel spring coming today, dunno why, maybe it's just something in the air, maybe because it's warmer and raining instead of snowing as it was expected (though I heard some terrible news about snow coming....brrrr). I feel like I was asleep and now I opened my eyes and see real life...not a very nice view at times, but not as depressing as I thought . Step by step some things are getting into shape and now I confrount myself with another problem: several persons told me this blog is not as boring as I thought and that I write ok and now I became conscious of it and I am aware that now I should write something cool, something meaningful, something that people like, u know..SOMETHING....and so I'm afraid to write anything at all.
And I also noticed that I write well and that I have points of view especially when i'm mad or angry or in a bad mood, but not depressed. So, again, happy people are not interesting. See, nothing to complain about, nothing to dissect or to psychoanalyse, nothing to suffer from and friends to confort you.... But hell, I wouldn't want to be unhappy just to have subjects to write about!!!
Well, except that, i think a certain somebody deserves a big big HAPPY BIRTHDAY from me :)))). Today is a shinny day, the beginning of the weekend, it's that mood...you know...when you expect things and have that joyful disposition to make them happen....hopefully.

my life or something like it

Now I do have all the freedom in the world to finally do whatever I want....and I don't. I guess I'm stuck in the past, in my past habits and mental setups, I'm dealing with different people here and I can't ajust, I just judge them according to these setups. When i shoudn't judge anyone at all, when I should accept them for what they are... It's so difficult that I can't do it all alone. Coz I don't rationalize them all and in the end I'm the one crying, all because of me:((. I need patient understanding people around...but this kind of patience doesn't come out of the blue. Who's gonna be that patient as to understand me everytime I go crazy, everytime I'm sad or happy for no reason, everytime I am too sensitive about meaningless things that may mean a great deal to me? Who could be able to find me answers when I ask questions, who's gonna be able to love me for what i am not for what I might be?
I know, I know.....today i'm such a cry-baby, I hate myself for that really, but this is how I need to write it, to exorcize it out of me and to relax at last...
Yes, not in a perfect mood indeed, but I'm ok.
and yes, stable:).

age &stuff

I am 26. People expect me to act like 26. How is that? How am I to know how should I act? I am 26 now...I don't realize it and act accordingly and to tell you the truth I don't care. I got tired of fulfilling other people's expectations and forget about my own... It's true I define myself depending on others, but I DO have my own expectations of this life. I got a little bit sad remembering the day I got this job, my first day at work, how it all seemed bizzare and oldish and how I was swearing to myself that this would be only temporarely, untill I find something better. I got stuck here, I got used to them and to this atmosphere, but I didn't evolve, I kinda feel plain, like my brain only smoothened instead of getting more and more wrinkeled.
C. came back.... I was surprised to see him, I was curious to hear his stories, but nothing is like it used to be, I cannot pretend last year never happened, I don't want that. I just need my life to be as it is now, like it was last night ( I think it was one of those perfect evenings when nothing seems artificial, forced, blurry, everything was just...perfect), like it appears to become or evolve. I'm turning into something else, I know, I'm changing and I feel it, and yes, this is el fin de una epoca, so it makes no sense of hanging on to the past. So that was it.
But last night was perfect, as I said. And I say that for one reason in particular: this was one of those days when I was craving for tender touch and a bit of desire and passion and that was what I got, expectations fulfilled:)). I went to sleep happy and woke up smiling, that's what I call a good mood.
Happy people are not interesting at all, I have the feeling, while writing this post, that I only write facts, not feelings, like robots, it's like once you're well, the mind is too relaxed to make connections, to think, to be interested in stuff .... or maybe it's just too busy living every second of it since it's so rare and lasts so little.

Moody again.....of course it's the PMS, what else?!! And also, the small talk in the office, the problem of searching for a new job that'll fit me (but I actually don't know what fits me), my own complexes of stupidity, lack of ambition and self confidence.... And the worst is that whenever I mention this to people, they don't try to get me out of my gloomy mood, they would just leave alone to recover myself. I admit I am mean and not easy to deal with right now, but since people i talk to very often are supposed to be my friends and to care about me... they should think of how to get me out, not to just keep the distance, and wait for me to say "hey, I'm ok right now, I'm back, just as funny and caring for others as always"!!! I think I should be more selfish...although this is not me, selfish...cannot picture myself like that....
Enfin. On verra...it'll just pass away. Still...nevermind.

feel

Little by little I come to understand my life and its problems...the feeling of not belonging and of not being able to adjust (although people around me don't see it this way)... It's incredible how parents affect their children's lifes in such a subconscious and profound way that they don't even realize it. That's why I feel, unlike my woman-friends, that I wouldn't be ready for a kid right now.
But what I know is that I need to create new habits and new ways of approaching things for myself, impose them inside of me, because this means evolution...this is what I need for feeling better.
Weird thing...today i feel good, I feel confident and kind of happy, I feel stable and reasonable, it's been such a long time that I forgot how it is:)). And no, I'm not dissecting this feeling now, I'm just enjoying it.

frozen?

Yesterday I was trying to write something..... I was finally understating the idea of space in a couple, based, of course, on my previous experience. I remember how I turned, from an independent girl, to a control-controlled freak. And this happened only because I let C. invade my space and I invaded his. And I also remember that some time ago I regretted my hurry for intimacy, because I needed my space and I couldn't get it back... But right now this need for space was also a test...I thought that he could miss me, realize that I might mean something more than before. Well, "prognosis negative" to quote from Seinfeld.... That made me really sad. But I got to the conclusion that falling in love is not necessary for loving, that falling in love can be desastruous, but loving is not, that a relationship is not a struggle, a fight of who influences who or a process of adjusting to each other...by force and empowered by pheromons. Because sometimes it just happens to find somebody that doesn't require all those complicated actions. The routine calls for the torment, but it's vain. Hence, the frustration.
I just feel that I belong with him, that's all. And this, as far as I know, is pretty fucking rare. But I can't ask him to feel the same if he doesn't.
Can one fall in love after a while? Can one wake up one morning and discover that he/she is in love?
Relationships are like the lottery I think. Or like a box of chocolates. You never know what you gonna get.

too much Sex and the City

Apparently, this year started very good, in fact it was all that I wanted, something relaxed and not troubled.... It felt right, that's the word for it.... Step by step, the waters calm down and everything becomes clear.... The chaos that was my life last year transformed into something else. It feels like I've grown up, and now every day comes as a surprise, coz things happen to me and I don't really know how to react to some of them. Experiences from my adult life, things are shaping up now and maybe it's all thanks to this new relationship that is not like anything else I've experienced. Of course, now I'm being extreme on the other side: if years ago I used to treat my relationships emotionally, by impulses, without thinking of them at all, now I'm over-thinking them and it ruins the fun, the magic, everything else. Maybe it's a bad influence of this "Sex and the City" trend, very fashionable right now, to analyse in details the actions of the partner and your feelings as a response....but losing somehow the best of it. So, besides trying to find in me the resources to be a woman, exploring the possibilities of my inner self, I'm trying not to think too much... I never thought a 21st century woman could come to this conclusion, but here it is...

24th of December, Santa Claus, the phone guy and 2005

This is my last post of this year... I hope the next year will be much much better, cause this one has left me weakened and dried out, too much trouble and too many mistakes, too many people were hurt, and many lives have changed suddenly during this year... I really hate this kind of thinking, you know, conclusive and final. Maybe because my conclusions are not very satisfactory... Only these last days seem better, and I'd like to point out "seem", cause I wouldn't like to take the chance and say "is", it's too soon to be so sure that what's in my head is real :)). Anyway, it's promising, this, what's going on right now, not necessarely that I'm floating in a sea of joy, but I'm stable, that's what's important.... After all, I guess my inner equilibrium is regaining balance and I become me again... I wonder what I'll discover after that:)). But, as I said, these last few days were quite refreshing, so I have every reason to hope for better... Let's say...for an upgraded version of me.

I'm tired and very low mentally, I feel like this birthday of tomorrow is the worst day of this year, it was not enough that I've been through so many things meant only to destabilize me... now I have to face the fact that i'm also getting older and uglier, and lonelier.. I really hate myself right now. I hate myself for being so stupid sometimes, for not dealing with things when I was supposed to, for letting myself go, for being so dryed out right now... I mean it's not that I'm incapable to feel things, I do, but there's always something missing. God, i'm tired! I'm gonna sleep one of these days so deep that I won't get up until everything has gone away.....

f......g birthday week

at least I have no time get bored. Coz except for that I have everything. Got depressed today (I'm also very tired and I haven't slept for 2 days), I remembered my birthday is this week and I really hate it, cause I kinda feel old and you know... when I was ten I was sure that when I'll be 26 I'll be married with children... Well, it's not that I wanna get married, or I might but it takes two for that, but I feel like I must do something with myself, my life was not supposed to be like that, I should have been somebody who could make a difference. Hm I guess not, isn't it? And to make it even more difficult to endure, nobody is meeting me on my birthday, they are all home with their families... as I am supposed to be with mine, but I really can't stand those phonies more than 3 hours. So i'll be taking my brother and his girlfriend and go some place.... the very thought of it makes me feel like crying....
still, there is one thing, in fact one person that made these last few days easier. He knows many jokes, i love to laugh...Bingo! perfect match:)). But you know what's weird? we only met once, but we talk so much all day long that I feel I know him for ages.. and that's great.

invisible

I should do something about myself regarding my behaviour with guys..... I've been having this problem since highschool, gosh, such a long time... I'm too impatient to get what I like, I'm not mysterious nor play hard to get and this seems to mean something.. either that I am easy (which I am not!!!) or that I'm desperate (I'm not that either). So... this new guy... it started ok and I blew it because I grew attached over him, a stranger.. Well, i felt like we were friends, that's all. Of course, it's my problem, not his fault. But is there a cure for this? Except for turning invisible and hiding under the desk for being too embarassed for this situation.. Hmmm. I'll think about it.

don't you know that Rome wasn't built in a day

Let's say things haven't changed that much during the last few weeks. C. is still in Barcelona, M is still calling me every god-damn morning to ask me how I am... He came home few days ago to see me and I can feel that he is desperately hanging to this "relationship", he doesn't want to lose me, but he can't hold me since he left me.. He said he wanted to tell his parents about me. Oh come on!!! I thought, this summer I was unhappy he didn't do it, now I asked him not to. I don't wanna be official, I just want him to leave me alone, I want him to understand that we can be friends, but not lovers/a couple or something like that... I can't talk about all things that make my life, but I can write about things that are important, persons that I consider worthy of mentioning... and so is this guy.. Eh, you'll say that this is what my life was lacking: guys!!!! But it all started as a very pleasant Friday conversation and now... I kinda wanna see him, I feel some things about him... I mean I think I like him in a way (but I haven't met him yet, so it's kinda... I'll see after this weekend) and things are starting to be coloured and cheerful again. And I start wondering if that's what I need to be a little glad? Just a bit of attention from somebody I like? Maybe...

p.s. - OR MAYBE NOT... Perhaps all I need is someone to really care, difficult mission indeed, coz people who care about me, like M., don't get much out of me, and those I think I care about don't give me much.
p.p.s - I might get a haircut today, i'm sick of me like that. As a matter of fact, I'm sick of everything right now. Moods changed very quickly, I know...

I took a moment of thinking about a talk I had yesterday with him... and it seems to me that he accepted this whole situation and acts according to the given facts. I was sitting in my bed and trying to figure out if he really will end up being happy, he is happy right now, or he is not happy at all but cannot do anything about it. In fact, to be honest, I wanted to know his feelings for me. My friend told me it's no use of knowing this, this will hurt me even more... But it already does, so what's the difference? I need to know, good or bad, I hate uncertainty.
Nice things happen: people bzzz on YM, they are crazy, just like that, to buzz a person.

not happy

yes, it's true, it's no surprise anyway, considering the latest facts of my life.... and I don't think things will improve soon. But these are things that happen and I really can't make anything to change the situation. Maybe I'll decide eventually to write the novel I though of for some time now, not to make a difference in the literary world, but to tell everyone what's in me, to tell them the whole truth, beginning with my mother and finishing with you-know-who. In fact, on a second thought, I have nothing to tell him, nothing... He knows I love him (strangest thing is that this kind of love is so....free that i'm surprised of me, of my reactions, I could be able of many things that usually contradict the normal situation, if I knew it makes it easier for him), so I don't have anything else to confess or share with him. I mean I would have, but I can't....
Ahhhh, and this Christmas stuff, i really hate it, every christmas all i can think of is that I got older, one more year passed and I did nothing to make me feel that it didn't pass in vain. Hate this period....

serenity now.... insanity later

All day long I tried to convince myself to stay calm, not to panic, yes, tomorrow is a big and nasty day for him, yes, it doesn't concern me at all, this day, but still, because I care, because I cannot help thinking about it, I panic and it's no good for anyone, me included. So I kept repeating, over and over, "stay calm, it's ok, stay calm, don't panic", but now i just can't help it, I'm exploding, it's just not fair and I hate life for being so unfair sometimes!! i really don't know anything about his life from now on, what the future will bring. Maybe it's a lesson we should learn, maybe it's something we must go through, and maybe, just maybe, one day our time will come. and yes, love is like a nicer friendship (have I said that before? dunno).

vinegar and salt

Don't know if I should be happy or sad, really..... C. left yesterday, I was on the phone with him all day long (don't even think about the phone bill now), and after that calls started, some friends invinting me out, M. to ask me how I am, stuff like that, but most important of it all.... well, dunno how should I put this, but let's just say that I found out what I lost... The worst part of me losing someone who could have been important was not knowing it for sure. Well, yesterday I found out for sure, ufff, it was so good...... I was happy to discover that what I imagined is true, but not so happy knowing that it was for nothing, he's not mine.
So now, I really have no idea which is my mood. I'm happy and sad in the same time, the two are fighting inside of me, each with its arguments, nobody is winning this fight unfortunately. I'm really wondering what happens next, I get up in the morning and try to face all the surprises a day brings me. Some of them are not very pleasant. But at least now I know...

sleep

The purpose of my imediate life is sleep. I don't know if I'm tired, I'm more likely sick of everything and all seems to go away when I sleep or when I'm in bed and watch tv. Tomorrow we have a free day, it's the national holiday and it's great to have a free day in the middle of the week:)). This is why I feel so good today (except for getting my salary), I have a day of sleep and sweet laziness tomorrow....
something else makes me wonder... Yesterday C. came to my place to say good bye, he's leaving tomorrow morning. But I didn't cry... I think I don't realize it... Very sad though...

stability

That's the key word. That's what I need. That's what I've been missing for the last almost 2 years. And last night I finally decided I shoud stabilize for a little while at least. That's why I asked M. to move back in for good, I don't wanna see him move for a while somewhere else and to end-up eventually in the same place, that's my place. So he agreed and that's it. Coz I don't like being alone and my birthday is coming up soon. Coz even if I don't feel anything too intense now, and even if maybe I won't marry the guy, we both need each other right now. For different reasons, of course, but still, the interest is the same. Nevertheless, I can't help feeling guilty, like I betray C. and this is weird, he has someone else, he will leave soon (if he hasn't already), why should I feel guilty? Maybe it's because of his last text left on my computer, from Saturday night, he was happy, I was happy, why did we broke up? Sometimes I don't remember, some other times I feel it so present that i could break up with him again, just to make him feel the pain I felt.
Ohhh, and he suffered.... I know he did.
So... that's my decision. I might discover later that it was the worst move of my life. But now I see it like something temporary.

what the heeeeellllll?

well, cannot believe this, but it's true: C. is leaving to Barcelona after all, leaving me here, in the perfect chaos. His life is always a chaos, and this is why he is used to it, but me... that's a different story. And M. is coming back, oh God, i shouldn't feel this, this summer we were in love and now I can't stand the thought of him in the house... It's strange, but I can't actually tell him to move back in, even though I wanna help him, because I just can't. I thought of waiting for C. to leave and then.... I'll see.
This makes no sense. Yea, I know. so what?
And the one I love... he is in too much pain and unhappiness to be albe to talk about him right now. someday maybe..
And that's it for today.

the truth

I should tell now the truth about it all, although I really don't feel comfortable admitting that this way of life is actually my fault. Because it was me to let it happen, I was waaaay too indulgent with my ex boyfriend and everyone around me. So we broke up, of course i couldn't have done it without some extra help and so some other guy ... "happened". Well, and this guy was kinda married, kinda divorcing because of me, kinda going back to his wife for a while, not emotionally but physically (cause we made the mistake to move in together, and after that he was gone, leaving me all alone, I really wonder how I managed to pay the rent so far) and kinda wanting to come back now, when I threw him out of me.... On top of this, as I was wondering one Sunday afternoon "do I really love anyone, or I'm just dried out for a while?", I realized that I do love someone. And as you, readers, might expect, it's not my ex boyfriend (I see him Thursday to Sunday each week), nor my new one, it's someone else, who was there all the time, and now it's impossible for us to be together. I'm not saying I hit the jackpot with him, but now I don't even have the chance to see if it's true or not... And this leaves me a little bitter and sad. But hey, life's too short to be unhappy, isn't it?

As for the problem of the last post, well, actually I got discouraged to see how troubled I was (and I still am) during the past few months. I think I'm gonna be the happiest person on earth when this fucking year is done. But thanks for being there, you guys:)).... (that's no reference to male readers only :P )

weeellll

I made the mistake to read my previous posts, can't believe it, I am always complaining about something, and always mentioning my chaotic way of life (which, by the way, it's my fault:)), it's getting boring, huh?
I'll rethink the whole concept of this blog.... really. I hate being so fucking unstable and always complaining about it.

too close to Christmas

I like writting in different colours:)). Today I feel better, although, the perspective of another year passing by doesn't or shouldn't make me feel so good... One of my teachers once told me that nobody should be glad and party for their birthday, coz it's nothing to be glad for, getting older is not.... merry. Well, although my problems are getting more and more complicated (some are divorcing, others waiting for me to stabilize), I know that there are solutions for these problems and everything will be ok. Suddenly, I feel things will fall into their right places just like that. Uff, hope this mood will last longer than few hours:)).

oooh my God.....

i've been thinking a lot about different things that happened to me lately, it's not weird, it's just confusing and chaotic, this hurts me and the consequences of my actions will be seen a looooong time from now on. Unfortunately, I'm the most miserable of all, knid of think that it was my choice, why not be unhappy if it's possible...... And now i'm ok, but just sad. Not depressed, not crying, but sad. It'll go away, I'm sure.... Maybe once I will find someone...